A white demon love song

Sometimes I can work myself up to be this big complexed puzzle of never ending questions, impulses, reasoning. Like a creature that I can't control. But then I grab hold of every sense of feeling and realize though I can't control them, I can direct them. Direct them to the right thing, that will help me in the long run. Like surgery. It hurts then, but it is good for you in the end.
Last December I was breaking hearts, he wasn't enough for me. He helped me, showed me together we made a good story. A story with no end. But abruptly I realized it wasn't a game anymore. The games that play us are the ones that I play. Looking at her blog, and you two close, touching. That body was once mine. That heart was once in sync with mine. And all I have to show you is a broken heart by someone who faked the three words I muttered to you every night before we fell asleep under the stars. I was wronged in the end. I am glad, I needed some Karma. To realize that big hearts are for breaking. You will get by in the end, you deserve her and more. I miss you now. But why because I was reminded. Fuck, see once again. My feelings I just cant control.
"Feelings, I can't control"
Step one to my new year, is myself. Clean room, clean slate, clean break. I don't know what I want with this "others". They found me. She found me. That is the craziest thing that happened to me this year. Every question I ever had was rushed to me like a huge ocean wave that looks like it is going to break any second and crash but it just keeps growing and growing.... Then it all comes down. Down to a twisting turning cold .... Confusing complexed story that spins to the tops and the bottoms of tree tops and  ocean floors.
Can I let my heart get close to someone else I feel isn't on the surface BUT THE SAME AS ME.
the same. in a hotel room, you are all somehow like me.
Now him. New beginning new crush, do I take you seriously though? What is it that triggers in me that decides if I can actually be honest with someone. It's not dishonesty, but it is... false feelings. On the surface.
2010... intheory will sell. my ideas will be worn on people chests. my best friends and I will adventure into complete unknowns and dirty hairs. I will start being real, real with myself and other. I will let others see me as weak, instead of always pretending to be strong. I will see the world, the better part. Forget about a heart, my heart will be satisfied in time with the world, laughs, video cameras, and need of places to sleep. And new clothes, new places, new beginnings. I will miss you all.

Last night was my holiday party. We will all grow old together. My ones are never leaving. Lately people don't always leave me, I'm doing good.