(IN) to you

3 finals:

Put a shirt on
                 (IN)theory


So much love (IN) my heart so much love (IN) my heart.

I'm (IN)


This is (IN) This is (IN).

Farewell my fair-weather friends

I am cutting the cord for all things negative in my life.
too much positive/cancel out the negativers/negativees!
I have trips to China and Israel to look forward to.
Trips to Buffalo.
The start to a company I have such high hopes for.
My camera to capture things with.
Many Bat Mitzvahs to keep money coming.
5 books on my to read list.
Christmas presents!
Christmas break (math class
Bonnaroo
Hopefully selling on Bamboozle and Warped!
Summer filled with travel and new people and best friends summer camp!
But First! Nassau community college graduation, going to City College of NY next year!
I will have my associates in English/Photo. Yay Lyn!
I'd list the negatives i'm cutting the cord, but that'd be being negative!

Oh and someone at my Bat Mitzvah told me 210 days till the Eclipse movie.

Reds and blue melt me

You only hold me up like this, cause you don't know who I really am. sometimes I just want to know what it's like to be you. We're making out inside crashed cars and sleeping through all our memories. I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive, now I only waste it dreaming of you.

Breaking points collide

You don't owe anything to anybody but yourself. When you really realize that and you stop worry about what other people think, then you start doing things with real feeling in them. Without doing something to please somebody else. Without force being motives. Just straight up doing things to please yourself. In the end you truly do things to make other people happy because it's what you want to do. I've been told it's all about me, egocentric, don't care about other feelings. It's not true. I have a conscious. But I want to be happy. Find my happy medium. I would never intentionally hurt someone. Anybody who thinks I would hurt them with no heart, is crazy. My heart feels things too. I am not a tough person. I'm fragile and small. I want to be able to do what I want, but I know sometimes people need to be thought of. Believe me when I say, I think of you too. I just am tired of being judged. Judged as looney. Judged as hard. I am a species. We all have hearts. I just do what I love everyday, meet people, eat food, dance and follow my ambition to places so far out of reach they can be called looney. Haha. That is it.

Today I am going upstate to dance. I am excited for the pretty drive. And to listen to my audio book on cd in my car. Such an awesome thing.

Good day.

4.. on the floor

high fashion meets me.
dream catch me.
left alone on a long street.
red light 1, 2, 3.
steal my heart, not my records.

The living years

I read with every broken heart, we should be come more adventurous.





bored.
first meeting.

Streetcar named desire

You either got it or you don't. You're either with or without. Depth or no depth. You hold no depth. Anybody who can without a friendship so fast, is without. I am embarrassed sometimes I rely on people so much and then this falls apart.

People Always Leave.

Pearls in wine

I leave your house and smell you all over me.

Some nights just feel right

We're only living where the hands are now
With a million different people.
That have never let us down
It's getting heavy with the tension of a tangled lie.


I'm not going to mess this up. We'd both be liars if we said it didn't matter to us.


I want so badly to get rid of this mess. This mess I created. I meet all these people, hear their stories. The ones of roads they crossed, families they belong to, people they believe in, people they rely on. It crossed my head if I could ever let them in, be one of those people to me. Those people in your phone when you cross their name you get butterflies. That feeling in your head, of the completeness they complete. Simple but true. Will I ever let anybody in? Or to me are they all the same species with different parts. Or am I the different. Or do 


When you sing on stage. I hear the words you sing to these people, I know every single meaning behind them. I see people  I let it move me. words written behind closed doors. But I wonder if you would ever be able to sing a song about me to the people. The people who want to hear it. Even though I'd much rather have a solo show in an egyption smelling house. wishful thinkingZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZmy cat just jumped on me and did that so its better left leaving it. little mush. 


I'm so over this drama filled basket case you live your life. If I had it my way i'd be running through the grand canyon on a donkey. Bring my cat along of course. People never change. People always leave. debbie downer... NO! just realistic. I got me and my diary. and my dance moves.




Yea yea.. live love (american eagle)

Edge of desire

  "I'm not like a car you can fix up. I'm never gonna run right."


oh Bella.

Finding love in all the right places

Thankful:

My mother for everything.
My father and his music and teaching me to hear the music not just listen.
My birth mother, for picking. For once, my whole life was laid out by a choice a woman made. You wouldn't be reading this right now if she didn't pick this Bassen household. The best damn choice a person even made. I am thankful everyday. Everynight. Every second.
My brother Leon, for being my best friend and my only constant real in a world full of fools.
My brother Greg, for getting healthy and my sense of humor. For adventures, always an adventure.
The three of us as triplets, when we are together no one else matters. They torture they put me through, I love it.
My Aunt, for teaching me piano, how to dress, and how to let go and just dance. To live in the now.
Grandma, for giving me candy behind my mothers back.
Grandma and Grandpa for taking me on trips because you taught me how much the world HAS.
My extended family, for the endless support and believing I am going to do something right even though I am quite scattered.
Cousins, for being friends who can't leave.
To the grand canyon, you changed my world.
My dance teachers for teaching me confidence and rhythm. Being in touch with my body is so important to me. You gave me friends and a place to go to when everything is messy.
To my Taylor, friends or not friends, you are my guide. My voice in my head telling me Lyn get up and go do what you want to do.
My Julia, for always picking me up and hearing me talk and talk and talk.
My Emily. My sister. The one person who's head is probably more insane then mine. You go it all going on girl and you give me a little bit of that. I can rely on you for honesty. That is rare.
My loves. The people I have told I loved you too. When I said it I meant it, with all it's meaning. I mean words, I let you all in. You will always be inside.
My house, for always giving me a place that I feel safe, where I can write to on this thing and not want to be anything else.
My 5th grade teacher, for teaching me how writing is a way of expressing yourself. Without I would hold way to much in. My diaries are all dedicated to her, Mrs. Wirth.
My friends. The 6 girls I cannot live without. All crammed in a 5 person car, smoking and talking and listening. We're all so different and I am thankful for that because you each are apart of me.
Mike, for teaching me to love myself before I can love someone else. I will always love you.
Dylan for being honest with how I can be so fucked up.
Samantha for being a sister since 5th grade.
Trina for listening. and being a girl with me.
Meagan for being a neighbor who always comes over and makes milkshakes with me.
To music for guiding my head and my heart to the right places.
My body for being healthy and letting me wake up everyday.
Nina for showing me the best friendship happens when you are young and clueless to the real world. We had it all. I will never stop. Unconditional love.
Angela for being tough on me<3
Anybody spending time reading this,  I will give back.

Thank you turkey for filling my belly. And twice baked potatoes.

Steal my records

I am ready, let's get it right this time. Color inside my lines, not outside of them. Grab me from my shoulders and pull me into, so close your col you skin pressed mine leaving marks of desperation and fulfillment. I want to feel your chest align with my hips, and you slowly press the small of my back. I will curve at the touch of you, leaving your hand with pressure. We are dancing, with our lack of words and spoken language of our body rummage. This silly game we play of guessing who. But this time, once again I am left guessing you, guessing your feelings. Feelings of wonder, fear and feelings of my heart close to yours, and how you lost the sense of knowing when the puzzle pieces fit. You have became blind to passion. I used to do this silent shuffle dance, in the moment. But now my mind floats hoping to see a word bubble above your head telling me this will happen again, because again can't come soon enough to me. If I had my ways, I would do this dance with you in a ball room full of spectators. So they could see our flow and melody, and believe me when I tell them no one created anybody as much as they created you for this. The curve of your body, baby. The sweet scent of your clothes as they lay on my floor is what I think about when I lie awake knowing its time to get my day on. My eyes haven't opened yet, so you could be next to me. Naked, stripped of feeling, care. Just simplicity that our bodies dance, closer then before the night before. You would touch my neck this time and pull it close to your red lips, to cure that loneliness you had for that minute. In hope in would be cured forever. But you know it won't happen. But the openness of the possibility, keeps me back every time. The build up in my head is unbearable in my sweet bed. I don't hear a breath and I know you aren't next to me. No clothes on my floor. Just wants and needs by a little girl, so naive. - me

Funk feel set

It's been hard. I put myself in situations where I am left but to feel so betrayed when I know no one is doing anything to purposely hurt me. And as 6am comes closer, another night is passed wondering what you want, what you were put here for and what you have showed me and when will I learn.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. 

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.

 And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. ?

Stars in motion

I got my chart read yesterday. It was freakishly on target. Pluto is passing through my home house, which is Libra (weird for libra to be in libra) but that is why I am most comfortable at home, and I get a lot done from my home. But Pluto is causing me to do a lot of traveling of my own person. Questioning of self. Self-Actualization as a person, and purposes and tracks. Kind of a loner kind of thing. I defiantly am being a lonely girl. But within the next year I am supposed to fall into place. And for the rest of my life I will be the one who dabs into different things with confusion but I am so much interest having my head house in leo I am all over the place with interests, and types and surrounding myself with different people. I wonder sometimes if people perceive me as knowing who I am. I do know who I am, 100 percent. I am just adaptable and changeable, my leisure house is in aquarius. And what I dreaded, haha. My romance/relationship house is in Scorpio. I've been feeing hot like a scorpio lately, not keeping my eyes in one direction, just talking to as many as possible. Sexually, I rack up with scorpio. And I always fall for scorpio eyes, maybe it's because I like my type. I have work house in capricorn like I guess, I need money, sense of security. It feels good to be busy with work, I've always been that way. In 12th grade I was in a dance company 4 days a week, working filenes 25 hours a week and dancing on weekends. I miss that, because I wasn't able to dwindle on the little things, like now. But people think I am such an indecisive person, which I am. But I have come to realize after yesterday, I always have the right instinct. When I feel something about a situation. Even if it is denied and proven wrong. In the end, I am always right. My inner self as a Taurus makes me always wanting to save people, and not focus on my strengths and similarities, more or less I look for the weak in people and get attracted to that as my pull. I like it when people are hurting, and I will admit because it makes me feel like messy. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever let someone know all about my health problems, head problems and family issues full out. I always beat around the bush. I don't like to make people feel sorry. Despite ongoing issues, I can live with them, sort them out, and be happy at the end of the day that I did another day. All my signs are on the people side. People are my muse. I am sidetracked form everything in my head when I am around people. And lately because of my life questioning I am staying away from people, I am going to change that. I liked going out dancing, and to bars and to shows. Girls nights and lunches with old friends. Communication is my key. I love talking, hearing, telling, helping, vice versa. Within the next years, moving into design I need to make business choices and smart decision but have fun with doing it. I am a leader, I have always been and I take other advice sometimes to much. I need to listen to the feeling and follow what I think is right. As a writer, I'm a thinking and of course my thinking house would hold my sun and my moon. Odd again. And Venus ruling me, I'm such a fucking girl. Girl feelings, girl dress, girl things, girl necessities, girl friends. I am a the optima of a girly girl. Go get your charts read, it's all things you know but it opens up to believing and accepting and sorting the things you know but don't see. We are what we know <3

Numb

look like you feel

we all look like we feel

let yourself feel

act like youfeel

look like you feel

want what you feel

follow feeling

feeling numb

want to feel

feeling sure

feeling right

want so badly to feel

badly to feel

hard to feel

feel to touch

review what you feel

contemplate feeling

staring at feeling

overlook you feelings

analyze if you feel

hungry

to feel

evaluate your head

react without thinking

react effortless

effortless conversation

bedroom eyes

admire display

make me lack

self-control

Symptoms faded

Where's your head right now?
The semester is coming to an end. Art is kicking my ass. New curb was so good. I am hooked on Old Dexter to catch up to the recent. And scrubs is coming back! Vampire Diaries, my new guilty pleasure is amazing (RIP one tree hill, peyton). Funk philharmonic on Friday, best live band.

Friends come home for thanksgiving too.


very Tim Burton esque

Heartbreak warfare

Blood.






To much time on my hands, and too much room in my belly.

Catastrophe lullaby

 

I never miss our beat

Carry on

our hearts are symmetric


a word chart branch thing

with gone in the middle

then worlds coming off it... can't sleep


I want to find something that doesn't expire

Love has an expiration date


Modern with an old soul

undone to you

rush

lover collapsed

eye sex

I fancy you

insomniatic

thrive on fash

RECOGNIZE

looking for a suitor

hidden treasure

never sacrifice happiness for comfort

in a world where everything changes, I stay consistant


I am wearing this for a good cause and because it looks good



dis - heart

in⋅som⋅ni⋅a

–noun

inability to obtain sufficient sleep, EVER! anxiety girl

Dezine

Easy hearts

Bob Dylan and me


Red light sketch.. with it being yellow
Stop or go


FEEL
ALIVE   (messy handwriting... with heart thats beating maybe or plain)

my imaginary friends are better then my real ones


photograph that's polaroid photograph
of some.. like love scene or cool picture boy girl
"never get that back" saying


my free spirit

read my blog


Nobody say's it and everybody thinking it


I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel

I am flawed if I am not free


my thoughts are my own


a FORM... like mannequin form.. and say
"form" ing.

Why Georgia

Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllo!

It is two am and my insomnia has been back these past 2 weeks bad. I''ve probably slept 24 hours in 9 days. that is absurd! school is kicking my little behind and leaving me with no choice then to stay up until wee hours of the evening, typing and choreographing and practicing my guitar. At least I don't have to like study bio books right. Phonetics is the hardest class I've ever taken though. It's hard to think of things in terms of sound when for your whole life, your taught and ranted on for spelling correctly. Esp me. I have OCD with spelling right, so ofc phonetics is going to make me loooooOopy.

Tomorrow I have class so early, 8am until 2pm. Then home to get ready and get my package of clothes I ordered online, I hope. Then train into nyc, dinner at my favorite sushi restaurant and then the circus, well Cirque du Soliel! Which is better. More performance, but no elephants :(. I love elephants and monkeys! then at midnight New Moon. With brother, Justin and I believe my half sister Taylor and her friend Sara! I need to get my head into another world and the two hours of the movie will completely make me only think vampire ways. This weekend is going to be really good.  Birth mother is coming again, so spending time with her and meeting my half sisters for the first time. I am kind of eager, scared eager. Anxious too. I like this boy too and because of my lack of a clear schedule, I feel bad it's just been a texting relationship and me leaving empty promises of maybe hanging out. This weekend! But the anticipation is so sexy I must admit. I've never kept my phone so close to me, then with any other boy. I can tell in beginnings if I am going to run away, and this one, I'm going through. I like the way he.
This entry has been me trying to get my mind off of my anxiety and it did just that. To be honest, this lack of sleep and school overload needs to end. I want to enjoy myself tomorrow. 4 tests tomorrow and one on friday isn't helping. This is when I regret taking a 6 hour friday class.

But I must study. I just needed to get my eeeks and excitement out.

Goodnight cow jumping over the moon.

Past my surface

I'm afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of its meaning. -Andy Warhol

Refuge grab bag

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.— Maya Angelou

Bambi

Stella/McCartney <3

Friends, Lovers or Nothing

I never felt as good in a really long time as when I was watching John Mayer. The lyrics this man writes is so so so genius and moving. It really fucking blows my mind that a person can think like that. As a writer, I have never worshipped anyone. As a person who loves live shows, holy shit. As a girl, beautiful boy John.

I realized....

"I'm perfectly lonely"

I like my own company and doing what I want. I am 19 years old I don't want to be held down. I want to love, I want to give love, receive love,  I want company and friends and laughs and good times. I am a simple person with simple needs but inside my head is complex and so much love I didn't know it was possible to give.

Jm

Am I living alright?

Mendell

live everyday like it's the weekend

listen to your heart.. heart with headphones.

Judge Judy

Some ideas:  all girls

1) Tree scarf design. Black tree skyline on a white scarf.

2) Million faces all men looking the same no faces just outlines. One in color.. detailed in a crowd with
"your all I see"

3) Shooting stars, meteors. outlines bodies... sky says.. "wish"

4)  Rhinestone heart

5) Good morning cupcake

6) Once upon a time.... or maybe twice


7) Lost in my wonderland

9) birthday sex

10) The radio is on and there playing our song.

11) Girl walking with dress on.. silhoette pink dress.. grey shadow...
       I love my shadow


12) Say bye Boy

13) Constantly changing world

14) Being somebody doesn't make you anybody anyway

15) Rainbow mind... side in rainbow... beautiful girl outline.. with half face in light half out of ligth

Tension wishes

It's 10:04 am. I haven't slept. Not even attempted. I've been at the beach from 3am until  8am then went and  got ihop. Being at the beach when it was pitch black out and the sky was navy blue.. to being at the beach when it was so bright it hurt my eyes, was so strange. It doesn't just happen, it just gradually changes. We spin closer and closer the the sun and the moon disappears and we have day light. Half of the world is sleeping right now. I love science and astrology and astronomy. Painting:




Imagine. that is my dream that I have. I'll be standing on those rocks. and that will just happen above me.
So many wishes I could make everybody happy haha.


He knows <3

Meteor reprise

On Nov. 17, 2009, Earth will pass through the 1466 stream again, but this time closer to the center. Based on the number of meteors observed in 2008, Vaubaillon can estimate the strength of the coming display: five hundred or more Leonids per hour. The times provided are optimal view hours for PST, but the Leonid Meteor shower may last up to two days so there may be other times for optimal viewing.




This year I've watched 4 meteor showers and everytime I swear I saw more then 2 meteors. When I was a little girl me and my daddy would go outside and set up a blanket and lay down and he would tell me made up stories about the sky and people who lived up there. Every meteor shower I think back to those days. Remebering how I felt so small... and still when I watch the showers with girlfriends and boyfriends, I look up and still feel so so so small.




<3

Heartsick

H&m got Jimmy Choo line, oh man. Danger. I've been busy bee all day now I need to sit and just design. I can't stop listening to the damnwells. So amazingggg

Stop expecting change, he's just a lost cause that you're waiting on. - The Starting Line

Bomb in a birdcage

Is Love Alive?

friend: Julia


Waving goodbye


She said she's only got one wish, one wish
that I may be able to help her and assist
she wants me to leave her be
tells me she loves me, but she's chosen darkness


Imperfect
I'm perfect


We all carry something


I can't ignore feeling

Are we alive at all?


I've got no claim on you now.


our curves seem to aligned

Becca's closet


step over the line


goodbye my almost lover


turn your back on me

you payed me well in memories


Stay put, you don't owe me anything

heartsick


Part of a structure, break FREE


routine, I am not a routine


They are not you.

I rest  my head on your melody

Is this REAL LIFE?

bathtub scene
Clothes being drowned.
shirt.
drown me love


scene


secret beach

desire
   liar.


I love you. on a piece of paper


Remain
Re-
    use
me.


I am not the same.

feel
dear.


bare brances
wide open spaces

beautiful. disfunctional.



library romance.

ouch.

pain positioning.

LIVE BETTER.

what is causing this smile?

11/14

tree design on scarf... landscape.


wear around your neck


So... thanksgiving we are designing nonstop. Website up by January 22nd.
Store up by February 14th.

Selling through march/april

tour in may and june.



city skyline.

bridges falling


peace of head.

Cirque du soleil

This picture depicts my mood lately.
4 days till new moon. Midnight showing<3





Cirque du soleil on thursday. Best birthday present ever thank you to my chicas
Emily Heather Lora and Rebecca <3

Shifting and shaping

Tonight I had a mix of emotions. I love that people care about me so much, but I wonder my intensity of my caring back. I have to stop thinking People Always Leave, and accept the ones that stay, and will stay.


Text messages=misunderstanding but flirting central. I think I am a different person behind my phone this confident 230 am texted, when really I am just snugsing, getting ready for a hangover, watching some curb of course.

stop talking to my friends, there are a million girls in the world, more.. way more. Why do you have to hit on my friends, when you know the way I felt, seriously. Rude.  And stop spreading rumors that I am crazy. For the record I didn't jump out of a car, obvious a rumor stated in the heat of the moment. I merely said pull over several times, opened the door as a warning and when the car came to a stop I hoped out and ran to the nearest landmark and got picked up by 4 of my 6 gfs. End of story. Close it up, wrap it up. As much as you want me to be insane for you, it doesn't put risking my life, trust me. Alright that's over, won't be talked about again.

After a big heart to heart with my fashionista. I believe we have only right intentions and I was just mislead by wrong circumstances, and sometimes you have to be mislead to be lead the right way. And truthfully.. distance and all. She is nothing but good for me. Pure love, from me as well. I know I can count on her and I would hope only the same from her

I wonder sometimes about first impressions. I had such a good night tonight. Laughs, fun, drinks. I am drunk now. I am living my life as full, wonderful as I can. And truthfully I am thinking in terms of me right now. 19 is the age where you need to decide the path to go on, follow or lead. And I want to lead myself to only good things, health and love.

I like a boy and he has no idea and we play call of duty, more then normal together.


goodnight please

Almost lover

Playlist - A Fine Frenzy  
so... inspiring music. makes you feel.
So last night me and heather designed from 6 to about 1130. It felt so good to get all these ideas out of my head and lay them on another person. Today Trina comes, finally. Gosh. I want to dress up and go see some good music, and drinks. I really need that.
I love blue eyes boys. Ah. They are like so mischievous. When you are done kissing and you look into these blue sparkling eyes. I am not kidding it is so attracted.  I sound crazy.
Final name: bye Boy, bye Girl

I never want to see you unhappy.

I have sisterssssssssssssssss. I want to hang out with Taylor really bad, have a heart to heart. Talk boys and clothes. And sleep and wake up next to someone who shares blood with me.
What is sharing blood define though?
ugh.


Drew(11) and Taylor(14) Taylor is such a diva. She reminds me so much of me when I was 14.


Style: If I had to explain my style in a week. I dress comfortable sometimes, but I do admit I tend to dress up for events that don't entail dressing up.
My style is a lot like


Except I live in my cowboy boots. They are breaking. Always the right front rips :( must have a bigger foot.


I recommend : A Fine Frenzy - The minnow & the trout

I was lost and I was found.




bye Boy, by Girl designs by Lyn, Emily and Trina xoxo.


not your everyday circumstance.

Bad romance

"I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun" <3

watch lady gaga - Bad Romance. Yes! I want to be her dancer. end of story. Here I come.

Cheshire Cat

Tim Burton I want your creativity and thought process. Only you.



I am counting down the days till March 10, 2010



You've got a very important date.

Big eyes.

I wish I was a new. Attracted by the new's. But me I'm just merely attracted by the olds, old thoughts. I want to know where his thought process comes from. What goes on behind his thought process when he makes those eyes at me? For me I am brought back to big eyes with empty promises behind them, but really... I have to think new fresh slate.

New History

Inside out palm

You've got so much love in you.

A lot is going on in my head lately.
I've lost three friends in the past week. The first one the most important to me. And the only one I think I will struggle to get back. I can type that it is not all entirely my fault, but sometimes people need a break. Tensions were high because of a car accident. That was my fault. Stupidity really. And from those tensions, money problems, confusion, insurance.. it caused us to both be very close to cracking. And miscommunication and the two of us wanting different things, led to her not wanting to be my friend anymore. I have accepted the fact that people aren't always stable. I am willing to give her, her space. But a best friend, who was their side by side with me in the four most important moments of my life, just walked out on me. I feel abandoned in a sense, I know time will come around but... it just hurts like hell. The next one who I always thought knew and understood me so well, was more then just a best friend, family close like a sister. Who knew exactly how I felt for him. Then and now. and then just slipping behind your back and needed so much attention that she canived her way in.  I don't care the connection, or who is tied to who. Maybe I just know, that.. that doesn't fly. And losing her made me realize the easiness of friends. How I work friendship up to be this huge thing, when merely it could just be another human wanted company, and that is that. Third, a boy who I thought was this different soul. But according to the last two girls he was interested in, one being my friend I learn.. he's really not interested/drawn to what I thought. He is so talented and I am hoping he will go far, but now it's just the matter of what did I see in him, that my head was so into for months leading to this. Sometimes it takes losing people, feeling alone, and different to get your head on and realize it's you. And you alone. I have the few people in my life that I know.. I hope are here for the long run. Which is a crazy run, in lyns world. I wonder sometimes what kind of friend I am, I know I am not always there. I don't always answer. I like to think in benefit of me. Selfish. But I was to start giving off the energy I want to receive back. Because people deserve people to count on. The night that things went down, 1 am on a road alone. My four girlfriends piled up in a car, dropped everything they were doing/with/sleep dates... and came to me in need. That is something that I hope they would call me if tables were turned.

On top of all this, I have telephone problems, confrontation problems. You would never think. My presence is very comfortable and kind of easy. But I feel like being in the show business as a dancer and performer I am so used to putting on that kind of act. I do feel comfortable a lot of the time. And I do love new situations. But this situation with my birth mother has got me.. Caught in a pickle. I can't put myself in her shoes, I've never had a child but I feel slight overbearing from her, and confusion on my part. What do I do. I have such trouble letting new people in my life, or in this situation back into a part of her life. I answer texts, but sometimes I let them go unanswered. I won't commit to going there and everybody there is dyeing for me come. My head is so clouded. I need to be sat down and helped very badly. I'm getting my charts read again next week and I am very anxious. I feel like the stars knew my birth mother was going to find me the last time I went before this happened because she said you always feel like people leave.. well sometimes they come back. How does a stranger know I life by that quote? Freaky.



Now.. with all this going on. My social life is down the drain. I have just been designing all these ideas into paper and making them come to life. I have so much planned, this year is about getting it launched and next year is about getting it around the world. I cannot wait to travel.

Travel plans:
Study abroad: Italy september or next January for a semester
Spring break: Cancun with my 6<3 April 1st back for round 2
Israel with my brothers in February 
And then if this company takes off and works out the way I have it all set up in my head... This summer 50 states with two of my favorite designers:)

I love surprises! Do you?

positive energy activates constant elevation!

On my playlist: Wolfmother
                         New dashboard
                         Between the trees (saturday!)
                 The Rocket Summer, who I missed yesterday (it was worth it;-))
                 always ... *Bob Dylan   SOOOOOON in concert.
                   Imogen- Dec 2nd
                        



 I am going to the circus on thursday with a bunch of school girls and emily
and then that night at midnight is new moon.
I am counting down. I need to prepare myself psychologically for this haha.
I will go, dork book and all at midnight.



With shaky legs, ignoring the fact that my action was useless, I followed him into the forest. The evidence of his path had disappeared instantly. There were no footprints, the leaves were still again, but I walked forward without thinking. I could not do anything else. I had to keep moving. If I stopped looking for him, it was over. Love, life, meaning… over.
Bella Swan, New Moon, Chapter 3, p.73

Anxious toes.

November 11, 2009


Today was a hard day for me. I woke up 7am after a night of hardcore partying (doesn't seem so hard, does it). Getting out of bed is so hard for me, I am like a rock who doesn't budge. But once I am up,  I am good. I mean an insomniac who wakes up almost every morning to catch a 7am ballet class. Then some starbucks then my day is set. But the getting out of bed, when I know every veteran is sleeping so late. A bit hard. My dads on vacation, so I sleep in my mommys bed with her. More the reason, to stay there all day. I woke up short of 8am. Slept 45 minutes late. This day I was looking forward to as well. I get very anxious building up to something. Like vacations, booked weeks in advance I am horrible at. It is the anticipation build up, and of course anxiety of getting there, it going the way I planned. I have anxiety very bad with plans. Seems silly, because I'm the one always bailing out, and not answering and changing things about but that is part of the anxiety in my head.




Today. I got to see my brother. After 3 weeks of kind of not speaking, he would call but on a 25 cent call how much can you say. He seemed very fufilled getting the best out of his problem, situation and fixing it. He seemed different, happy. He talked about people he met with worse problems.

And still I haven't accepted it.

Sometimes I wonder if I just don't accept things are happening to me, until after they are gone. And why. That is so unhealthy.

I am unhealthy person.

I have to get rid of the bad and just give out the good.

Spread love.

After these 21 intense days he will come home, and I will be happy again. Stress levels in thsi house will be high again. But maybe then I will be able to sleep in my own bed. I worry about my brothers. I want him to just be healthy. They have so much inside of them, that they aren't using. That I see. Especially Greg. This charisma I want to see put to such amazing use.

Trina feeds you

bye boy, by girl.
by Lyn Emily and Trina xoxo.


Bgbb

Follow us

In Cc

It's easier to think and harder to feel.


You're always saving me.

Moon talk.

Must watch this.
Wake up call



I feel so great about this.

It's alright ma ( I'm only bleeding)

I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me.



- Bob Dylan

Unopened letter to the world.

Maybe I am a high believer. Maybe I think I am so different, to the point where I drive  myself insane and become a replica of all of you. I think I am just different in my own head. I have feelings just like she does. I feel pain, physical and emotional more then most, but not as much as most. I care about how I look. I strive for perfection in my art, talents, hobbies and in pleasing people. I am more ego centric then I'd ever like to be or admit. I am broken. A broken heart that never healed from past that I will not name. I feel inclosed in myself. Extroverted in my own. I want excellence, life in its entirety. To the point that it is absurd. I get jealous easily, and am very hot tempered. I would never hurt a one I love, but I expect, assume to be hurt by ones I love. I believe People Always Leave, as down as that may seem. I seem to live my that. Since my 8th birthday when I found out of my adoption. I write to myself, and talk to myself more then I let anybody else in. But in the past five months I have seem to grown more grounded, level headed with myself.

A snap/realization that I was holding onto something that never seemed to exist. But in my head, it existed like a elephant in a room. I am one to read into situations, but the result of this one I have seemed to read all the signs wrong. I am sorry but you do not tell someone you love them on a piece of throw away paper, on a night where everything seemed to right. The traffic light, the realization, the leaving for tour. The sweet smile on your face, and the way you fly into your house like a 5 year old doing airplane on the playground. He makes my heart flutter, to the full extent. And I can't help the way I feel. I can stop it, reprimand myself, tell myself all the bads about you. But when I get to sitting and reading the nights, the times, I remember the times I had with you and I hold onto those. I feel like with you though it was all in the head. You are the only other person who feels a certain way, thinks a certain thing and doesn't let it be known. You don't lay all your feelings out on the table. You keep so much to yourself in fear, uncertainty that others will understand. And that is intriguing. intriguing. 

Now after diary entries of heated moments, chemistry, what to I have thought was all there, underneath the shell you put out of scared-ness. You tell me it is all gone. It was never there. I don't own something. So I close the entries about the feelings I have for you, and all that five months of built up butterflies in my stomach, it ends with a ..?. I was wrong about another one. Somehow I must have misunderstood your signs, your chemistry. Or else you have it all confused in your head. You can't help how you feel, so I will feel this way. But I will never give in to something/one/situation that has played me for way to long. The games that play us.

Some people think I am nuts, weird, crazy, I am all of those things but if you looked at my detail you'd see that I just do what I feel. I don't think before I do things, I just let them be done. Because my feelings are the only ones I will really ever be able to feel.

We have a company name.. now the designs, myspace, and following. This is where it all starts.

and ends.

Life in my glass house

We artists are indestructible, even in a prison cell or a concentration camp I would be almighty in my own world of art. Even if I had to paint my pictures with my wet tongue on the dusty floor of my cell. — Pablo Picasso

feel surreal. 

Romantic claws

Who ever thought romance was old, they were wrong. I definatly didn't look for romantic. With my streaming high line of asshole, I was who wanted the hard to get bad boy. A little bit of real romance never hurt <3 It actually.. is quite the high.




I have paint on my fingers and am getting my black MAC daddy all green paintie.

Yellow light

A lot of things have happened to me at stop lights. For that 20-60 seconds you are stopped. Going somewhere or leaving somewhere. Thinking about what you left behind or thinking about what you are getting yourself into. I have laughed so hard at stop lights. Been anxious, late for something at stop lights. Fixed my hair, sprayed myself, flixed my makeup. Changed a CD. Listened, really listened to the words blasting out my radio. Thought about if the light never changed what I would do. Wondered who is running these lights. Thought throughly about what I was going to say, act like, feel like once I got there. And when the lights green. You go. Something in your head knows to go.

I have fallen in love at stop lights. Been fallen in love with. Been kissed so hard. Thought about how for that 20-60 seconds I was stopped. I was conditioned to stop. Taught. I have fought with friends at stop lights. Gotten out of the car at stop lights. Walked home in anger. Felt complete at stoplights. Thought so hard about what I just left behind and how intense that was. Thought about the goodbye I had. Thought about the places I was going.

The places you have come to fear the most.

Emily

I wouldn't know my life without you

Untitled

I feel like I exist in every state.

Much needed happening.

Update:

Today will be the first day I start getting serious. Coming up with ideas and putting my creativity into one thing. Soon a myspace will be up with a hook up to a website with all our designs on it. At this time I am thankful for everyone helping me, backing me up and believing in me. And us. And believing in eachother. It needs to happen, and I believe we both can make it happen. After Christmas I look to be traveling, selling, making things happen. SO right now this is the take over.

Get ready.


Design design no sleep. no sleep.

I'm wide awake, it's morning

Sometimes i wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is There Still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable,left to interpretation, grey. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it, cause we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.

Head ache

Design:



-Alice lost in wonderland

bippty bobbity boo

-Something old
Nothing new


Me Vs Love


a
non
y
mous

All Q's
No A's


games play us

get cape
wear cape
FLY.


party~
Friday everyday


F.
you and
your chemistry


Penny
Lane

thrive
on
human connection


Machine hearts
need batteries <3

we're all are not
on
the same
page

get
a way with
words


We
cross the country
on frequency

road dreams


always
searching
for
   more


show
must
go on


my
shadow
is
hot

162 candles

draw
draw
paint
pant
sketch
sketch

Lyn vs dream

I live by:

 Optimistic Fantasy

Anonymous.

Over night factory worker


I have been attending Naranon meetings in support of my brother. I truly believe we are so naive to admit we don't know how to deal with it. And because of it, my house is just so uptight and we all are on edge. This all is coming from, simply, fear. Fear of death, addiction, hurting, and of it never going away. These meetings are opening my eyes to this side that some people have.
I have trouble accepting it. I hear these stories of spouses doing crack, or alcoholics, and it is so hard for me to accept that I am a victim, it is happening to me. Still after 2,3 meetings I have trouble knowing that, this is all real. It's hard for me to see the outside of the situation as an insider. I've never been an insider in a situation like this. Growing up I was always told, your family is so great. Bounded by real love, real want for children. My brothers are my best friends and it's not likely that everyone has that. Not only are they my first people I run to talk to. But I enjoy their company and we keep each other updated in each others lives, but we are such big parts in each others lives. Especially now all living home. Leon has been so strong through this. His twin brother, best friend has sort of, broken him. Leon and Greg are always shadowing each other. Except for gregs very impulsive behavior. Leon thinks. Greg never thinks. It is hard for a brother who is very attached to another brother, for them to be separated especially by a drug, a thing that alters changes,  ones mood. Family is so so important to me so I will continue to learn to be a better support system for the most important person to me, right now. I am just wishful thinking. I know it doesn't happen over night, but I have high hopes in him. And can't wait for him to come home. Because without him home, something's missing.


And being in these groups, you always realize there are people living with this everyday, years and years among years they live with this problem, as the person doing it, or family members. Just learning, teaching, trying, helping.

Alice in Wonderland

Flash back scene

Prologue:
Hello.

the longer you think the less you know what to do.

Like Before? 
No, like before is gone dear.


In front of me..
beat beat beat beat beat
B r e a t h e




Don't live your life alone.
Let us in.




To me the world is blurred.


It is clouded so it my head.


Your feathers are tattered. 


In the end we'll leave it all behind because the life I think I'm trying to find is probably all in the mind .

All in the mind.





I hope that your hearts always warm.

Through my eyes. It could all be easy.

But who see's what I see?

Let me show you. where it comes from.
My story.
Page 1.

The smallest things. Have no relevance.
But see the relavance. The beauty, The construction.
It.
small.BIG    I feel so small. but look at my detail.


You wake up, only to find there was no piece of mind in your sleep.
The memories you can't seem to keep.
can't seem to keep.
l e t  g o.


d o u b l e. me. double.
PAGE 2. two.




You want so badly to feel. Feel. feel. .FEEL.
Just....
give it time to find a pattern we will find a cure in this design



It hurts right where you need to feel. 
Cover it up with time.


Spend your whole life counting down.

But. What do I know?. But.


PAGE 3. tides change beautiful 


See through the eyes of a child. He says.






They seem to know what they want more.
But what I want.
Is that feeling 
"It's when you go and see a really great band live for the first time and, you know it, and nobody's saying it, but everybody's thinking it, "we have something to believe in again. I want to draw that feeling, but I can't. And if I can't be great at it then. I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me. 
that feeling.

Remember me as a time a day. As a time of day.


So let go. Let go. Give in. 
What are you waiting for?


Find IT. in the comfort of good friends.
along side the road in a box holding treasures.


In a good belly laugh.


Belly laugh.


Let it be real. 
   "Let it be"           .I'm not allowed to be sad.
  



... Yesterday our troubles seemed so far away
   and I believe in yesterday. 


Yes. Yesterday.




I'm trying to find my place, it might not be here where I feel safe.
safe.
unsafe.
scared.
frightened.


the ones we trusted the most pushed us 
F      forget
A      above
R      run
A      anytime
W      wise
A      accomidate
Y      young


PAGE 4. YOUNG GIRL PAY ATTENTION
.  


turn away you're falling on the inside
from your sky.
Because no one is as lucky as us.
Yes.
Lucky. 
If I sang this loud enough, you'd sing back to me?
NO ONE IS AS LUCKY AS US.


No matter how many of the same.
BE DIFFERENT.
Feel myself slowing down. Feel myself turning around.
I collapse. 
I am here again. I am here again. I am here.
upANDdoingCircles.
A  constant  game  of  falling  short.life.


Find your place of power.
POWER
pow⋅er

–noun

1. ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something.

2. great or marked ability to do or act; strength; might; force.

Run with it. you own it.

I will forever.
4ever.


feel nothing?


Beach front property.
Time has such a way with words, with simple sides.

Settle. Settle. in where you feel ALIVE.




My body moves, like curtains waving in out of wind.
In the d a r k. . . . . . . .I'm not proud
Nothing will seem easy about me.




Do what you love to do.
move how you move.
feel how you feel.
don't ever feel different.
F E E L
-positive energy activates constant elevation 






love. what you do. do what you love
to another magnet. 
seem so very tall


I LOOK INTO THE MIRROR TO LOOK FOR EVIL
THAT JUST DOES NOT EXIST.
I DON'T SEE WHAT THEY SEE.
FUCK.


I SEE A SENSE OF WONDER DEEP WITHIN YOUR EYES
so we seal the deal in the parking lot with a 


kiss.






You are like a sunset to me.
BURN THE FIRE INSIDE. 
never let it burn out.


dream like scent. A nightmare you could not concieve. inside your mind. I will come close.

i love you but i've 
         chosen darkness

i'm trying to wake up.
but i can't.
I can't.




don't be the one, don't be the one to fall out of line. fall
     watch the blue roses fall from your hands                                                    fall
                                                                  fall

Now. time for a sequel.
Lock yourself away. To feel
DO YOU FEEL?




I dance it out.
Go on girl. Twirl.
twirl.
spinning.
make him smile.


Never ending.
It never ends
no how much 
"I will always never know"
I know
I am ALIVE.
I want life in every single way. 
             All of it.
I will not cover my face.


I write how I feel.
now I narrate
    to a live I lead


I never thought I'd be this safe again.






wanting to tell you everything running through my mind.
it is mine.
So I will 
accept the things I cannot change.
   I want to write a song about our love.
But their is none.


on the safest ledge.


PARDON ME.


I am me.
Inside: I will show you
Outside: I am what I put off.
My energy is Purple.


humming a sad forgotten song.


FEEL LOVE GRIPPING YOU
FEEL LOVE RACING THROUGH 
your body.
   my body.


Fragile.


Some people say they will change the world.
I am changing it from where I am.


they will all ask what became of you?
TELL THEM:


I run wild.
and look different.
and feel different.
Summary:


But really. I am just like you
and you are just like me
All it is. I can only get into my surface.
Off the surface.
feel it.
I was born for this I swear.


Little GIRL....


show them everything. 
you have.
Smile everyday.




Her first time exposed.
said he'd hold me forever.




His head was a city of paper building.
Of old friends and lovers.
Together in his brain.
Once is starts its harded to tell them apart.
Always distracted.  by the mention
Of an open door
Not a remainder.




I AM FLAWED IF I AM NOT FREE






I hope you have more love than me.


You are all so quick to say goodbye.
I never say goodbye.








goodbye.
     


Could you be happy now?




yes. Content.