Lost and trying to get back

I don't know where being okay and not feeling complete went.
When do you reach that medium.
Is it a life long struggle of trying to be ok.
When will I know I'm completely there.
Will I look different or feeling different when I get there.
Does anybody else feel like a 19 year old who can't accept they are 19 and still feel like you're looking in the mirror of a 14 year old. Maybe I'm stuck in 14. I drive a car, I have responsibilities, I work more then I play, I pay bills, I will have a college degree this year, and I can buy tobacco products. But why do I still feel funny making my own doctor appointments? And why do I look at other 20 year olds, depending on who they are I feel so much younger. Do they look at me and feel the same way?
I don't know where my head is. "Where I hung my coat is where I left my head".

I had a huge fight with Leon. It's got me real upset. It's 2 am I should be fast asleep, but I feel bad. I feel sorry even though I still can't accept I did anything wrong. He threw iced tea at me because I didn't want to cheat. I was in the kitchen studying, you came around and started helping. You made it easier, but I'm still the one taking the test. Sometimes I'm scared of anger in boys. I always drop to fetal position. I guess that has a lot to do with 1st relationship, but I just can't seem to come around anymore. I have a guard up, a huge one up these past 2 weeks. To everyone. Especially my mother and father.
Two weeks ago, when I came around and decided to forgive two people who did something and acted like it was nothing, but for 5 days it was the center of my life. I feel like it's going to happen. With taylor, with greg, with julia. I am just walking on eggshells. But they are my own eggshells no one else. I'm scared of giving someone my word, and having it thrown back in my face, by "casual conversation" and a "I never felt that way" and by rumors that I am psychotic and I make up shit. I know facts when I see them. I have diaries of proof but still you deny. I have grown tired of these games. You are dead to me.

I am acting 14 more and more. Foolish and insecure.