Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Verbs before nouns
Hello, I am here again. Sitting on the opposite of a laptop, confused about where the rest of my brainstems fell short of the prospects of my day to day activities. I know many a people feel that they can rest easy by covering up there problems with surrounding of other people, clearing their heads by slipping into another state of mind. Simple things like boyfriends, avoiding and work to stop them from thinking of the bad. I don't do that, I avoid confrontation at every cost. But lately I've been wanting to deal head on, but because this is all so new to me. I am unsure how to go about it. I lost contact with someone who found me this year, and she waited 19 years for me, and me I anticipated 19 years, and I am left all empty and not full of answers like I usually am. Instead I am, learning from feelings. Living on feelings. Play with feelings.
Then there is him. His look could kill me itself. And I slowly slip into this state of just prying myself at him to see if it would feel the same way. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and it is all an illusion of my heart being fooled by lust, and what there was and what was left unanswered. Is there always going to be something from my energy toward your energy, or is my energy going to eventually run down, and you will be dead to me. Like they all are. Cold hearts, cold hearts, don't deserve to be so cold.
And there it is. A text message. What does she miss. I leave some of the most important text messages unanswered, and the easy ones I wait on.. hope for. Meaningless conversation is my muse lately.
This company has its prospects. All being such creative people, I hope for the best 2010 has coming. Will we be able to pull ourselves together, organize, agree, disagree to agree on ideas and will our creative juices stay flowing... until we are complete. I can only hope everybody else in this hopes as much as I do.
The nights, where young love stirs, and I finally realize I'm growing up. The conversation is easy, but older. We are getting so much older. The sexual tension is apparent. The smile is hard to wipe off my childish face. I feel fire, but some reason ice is lowering this temperature. Lyn is scared again, oh god. But why do I shut every open gateway for a move, when will he work up the courage to just work it up on me, take control I need control. I want to feel something, so unknown and so new. But am I expecting to feel this, when it is not there. Once again is my mind playing the tricks that always seem to be something when there is nothing or nothing when there is something.
Happy New Year. I am belly dancing on New Years, hahaha. I will miss my friends/family. But money is what this world is all about now. Miss my New Years kiss
Then there is him. His look could kill me itself. And I slowly slip into this state of just prying myself at him to see if it would feel the same way. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and it is all an illusion of my heart being fooled by lust, and what there was and what was left unanswered. Is there always going to be something from my energy toward your energy, or is my energy going to eventually run down, and you will be dead to me. Like they all are. Cold hearts, cold hearts, don't deserve to be so cold.
And there it is. A text message. What does she miss. I leave some of the most important text messages unanswered, and the easy ones I wait on.. hope for. Meaningless conversation is my muse lately.
This company has its prospects. All being such creative people, I hope for the best 2010 has coming. Will we be able to pull ourselves together, organize, agree, disagree to agree on ideas and will our creative juices stay flowing... until we are complete. I can only hope everybody else in this hopes as much as I do.
The nights, where young love stirs, and I finally realize I'm growing up. The conversation is easy, but older. We are getting so much older. The sexual tension is apparent. The smile is hard to wipe off my childish face. I feel fire, but some reason ice is lowering this temperature. Lyn is scared again, oh god. But why do I shut every open gateway for a move, when will he work up the courage to just work it up on me, take control I need control. I want to feel something, so unknown and so new. But am I expecting to feel this, when it is not there. Once again is my mind playing the tricks that always seem to be something when there is nothing or nothing when there is something.
Happy New Year. I am belly dancing on New Years, hahaha. I will miss my friends/family. But money is what this world is all about now. Miss my New Years kiss
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Speeds of light slow gears
I'm holding tight so I can feel alive.
I am not sure of anything. I am sleeping soundly at night, on a bed of uncertainty beyond uncertainty. Should I go, should I stay. Should I open, should I close. Should I love, should I hate. (dislike). Should I feel, should I turn numb. Should I forget, should I forgive? Should I shine, should I turn dark. Do people leave, or do people come back? Does he think like me, or is he a impostor of someone who he wants to be.
So many question, unanswered.
Another night, dreaming of the possibilities.
I love Emily and Trina. 2010. They made me feel whole tonight. That's what I do know:).
The stars they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene, today. Tomorrow.
Open heart. let it open girl.
I am not sure of anything. I am sleeping soundly at night, on a bed of uncertainty beyond uncertainty. Should I go, should I stay. Should I open, should I close. Should I love, should I hate. (dislike). Should I feel, should I turn numb. Should I forget, should I forgive? Should I shine, should I turn dark. Do people leave, or do people come back? Does he think like me, or is he a impostor of someone who he wants to be.
So many question, unanswered.
Another night, dreaming of the possibilities.
I love Emily and Trina. 2010. They made me feel whole tonight. That's what I do know:).
The stars they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene, today. Tomorrow.
Open heart. let it open girl.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Crash course in polite conversation
Brainstorming:
you won't see me until i'm gone
running free in a field of flowers, come find me
Modern with and old soul
touch and feel
I am in
fascINation
(intheory)
stop trying to get in my head
Could you ever
he wants me, he wants me not
you won't see me until i'm gone
running free in a field of flowers, come find me
Modern with and old soul
touch and feel
I am in
fascINation
(intheory)
stop trying to get in my head
Could you ever
he wants me, he wants me not
Thursday, December 24, 2009
A white demon love song
Sometimes I can work myself up to be this big complexed puzzle of never ending questions, impulses, reasoning. Like a creature that I can't control. But then I grab hold of every sense of feeling and realize though I can't control them, I can direct them. Direct them to the right thing, that will help me in the long run. Like surgery. It hurts then, but it is good for you in the end.
Last December I was breaking hearts, he wasn't enough for me. He helped me, showed me together we made a good story. A story with no end. But abruptly I realized it wasn't a game anymore. The games that play us are the ones that I play. Looking at her blog, and you two close, touching. That body was once mine. That heart was once in sync with mine. And all I have to show you is a broken heart by someone who faked the three words I muttered to you every night before we fell asleep under the stars. I was wronged in the end. I am glad, I needed some Karma. To realize that big hearts are for breaking. You will get by in the end, you deserve her and more. I miss you now. But why because I was reminded. Fuck, see once again. My feelings I just cant control.
"Feelings, I can't control"
Step one to my new year, is myself. Clean room, clean slate, clean break. I don't know what I want with this "others". They found me. She found me. That is the craziest thing that happened to me this year. Every question I ever had was rushed to me like a huge ocean wave that looks like it is going to break any second and crash but it just keeps growing and growing.... Then it all comes down. Down to a twisting turning cold .... Confusing complexed story that spins to the tops and the bottoms of tree tops and ocean floors.
Can I let my heart get close to someone else I feel isn't on the surface BUT THE SAME AS ME.
the same. in a hotel room, you are all somehow like me.
Now him. New beginning new crush, do I take you seriously though? What is it that triggers in me that decides if I can actually be honest with someone. It's not dishonesty, but it is... false feelings. On the surface.
2010... intheory will sell. my ideas will be worn on people chests. my best friends and I will adventure into complete unknowns and dirty hairs. I will start being real, real with myself and other. I will let others see me as weak, instead of always pretending to be strong. I will see the world, the better part. Forget about a heart, my heart will be satisfied in time with the world, laughs, video cameras, and need of places to sleep. And new clothes, new places, new beginnings. I will miss you all.
Last night was my holiday party. We will all grow old together. My ones are never leaving. Lately people don't always leave me, I'm doing good.
Last December I was breaking hearts, he wasn't enough for me. He helped me, showed me together we made a good story. A story with no end. But abruptly I realized it wasn't a game anymore. The games that play us are the ones that I play. Looking at her blog, and you two close, touching. That body was once mine. That heart was once in sync with mine. And all I have to show you is a broken heart by someone who faked the three words I muttered to you every night before we fell asleep under the stars. I was wronged in the end. I am glad, I needed some Karma. To realize that big hearts are for breaking. You will get by in the end, you deserve her and more. I miss you now. But why because I was reminded. Fuck, see once again. My feelings I just cant control.
"Feelings, I can't control"
Step one to my new year, is myself. Clean room, clean slate, clean break. I don't know what I want with this "others". They found me. She found me. That is the craziest thing that happened to me this year. Every question I ever had was rushed to me like a huge ocean wave that looks like it is going to break any second and crash but it just keeps growing and growing.... Then it all comes down. Down to a twisting turning cold .... Confusing complexed story that spins to the tops and the bottoms of tree tops and ocean floors.
Can I let my heart get close to someone else I feel isn't on the surface BUT THE SAME AS ME.
the same. in a hotel room, you are all somehow like me.
Now him. New beginning new crush, do I take you seriously though? What is it that triggers in me that decides if I can actually be honest with someone. It's not dishonesty, but it is... false feelings. On the surface.
2010... intheory will sell. my ideas will be worn on people chests. my best friends and I will adventure into complete unknowns and dirty hairs. I will start being real, real with myself and other. I will let others see me as weak, instead of always pretending to be strong. I will see the world, the better part. Forget about a heart, my heart will be satisfied in time with the world, laughs, video cameras, and need of places to sleep. And new clothes, new places, new beginnings. I will miss you all.
Last night was my holiday party. We will all grow old together. My ones are never leaving. Lately people don't always leave me, I'm doing good.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Florescent Adolescent
I always think I never have enough. That there is always supposed to be more out there. Seriously, it sounds good; my dad always praised me on it. But now I am looking for love in all the wrong places. Dreams at unreachable heights. I don't want to mess anything up again. I just want it to be easy, A's on spelling tests, leads in school plays. I can't keep pushing myself anymore, I hate disappointment. I am growing tired. But I am becoming more and more dissatisfied.
And I have hurt him already, who else can I run all over? I don't want to be a killer. I just simply always and forever will want I can't have and when I get what I wanted, I walk away. Make excuses. I am so foolish sometimes. And not getting what I want isn't enough for me. I am just a little girl, among many more but somehow to me, my light is so bright that I can't settle for livable. I need it all. How am I going to go about and get it all? and when I get it all, will that be enough?
And I have hurt him already, who else can I run all over? I don't want to be a killer. I just simply always and forever will want I can't have and when I get what I wanted, I walk away. Make excuses. I am so foolish sometimes. And not getting what I want isn't enough for me. I am just a little girl, among many more but somehow to me, my light is so bright that I can't settle for livable. I need it all. How am I going to go about and get it all? and when I get it all, will that be enough?
Monday, December 21, 2009
Body language
There is so much I want to say to you, that I don't know how. and I am okay with never saying it, until I know exactly how I want it to be heard. Because feeling sometimes, can't be explained.
Winter wonderland.
Winter wonderland.
House on a hill
I’m convinced it can’t get any better. Sometimes I feel that I’m living in a constant reverie. Have you ever been truly impacted by another? One that can take the world as you know it and give you a whole new perception? I never thought that I would fall victim to such lunacy, but I found myself willing to surrender. You spend your whole life laying bricks to evade the attacks of apathy. It’s easier to build a foundation of security versus taking a risk that may construct a deeper void. What happens when everything you came to know is broken down with a smile? Or wrecked as each finger falls perfectly into place with yours? I can’t even explain it. Two sparks set on fire when placed together. Burning brightly through our passion and ideas. My heart is always racing as the chemistry is too evident to deny. It’s in the way we can spend hours consumed in laughter and magically transform it into the most intellectual conversation laced with eye contact and complete comprehension. Have you ever been completely electrified by another? His eyes tell me everything I need to know as he holds me in his arms. Always in tune with each other. There’s just something that he does to me. It never stops…and it’s exactly what I need.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Turpentine Chaser
Why would I spend all this time I have before life swings right hooks at me constantly chasing something that doesn't want anything in return. People spend there whole lives, chasing dream but not really doing them. Chasing boys, that never will fall for them. Making up excuses, for things you are working to earn. I am ready to just be this girl, I feel everyone was supposed to be. Every night I take a bath, I blast music. Lay under the water and hear the muffed sounds of brand new screaming at me. It takes me away from all the worries I have, papers due, clothes to wear, room to clean, parents outside fighting. I am just alone with water and noise. Since I was 9 I used to do this. Not with music but with the sound of water filled in your ears. and the banging under the bath tub I used to pretend were workers, keeping my bathtub running. Like the steel workers on the boat in titanic I pictured it. That is my run away place, safe zone. I am naked, alone, with possibilities in front of me and forgetfullness behind me. Ready for anything but for now just here. I feel so big in a bath tub I used to take up half of, it's hard seeing myself grow. Taking it all in, accepting that it was me 9 years old thinking there were little people underneath me. I thought that, my body was there.
These thoughts scare me. The world is always changing, going, running, it never stops for anything especially not me.
So.
This is it, I will do what I want with it.
Winter break, it comes to life.
What I want and more.
These thoughts scare me. The world is always changing, going, running, it never stops for anything especially not me.
So.
This is it, I will do what I want with it.
Winter break, it comes to life.
What I want and more.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I want to live where soul meets body
I am in the middle ground. I can make either of them happy, but I choose not too. I tell her one thing and am doing the opposite. I don't answer for no reason at all. Maybe I do need an outsider looking in. I have never been so naive in my life. Naive to how hard this is on everybody else but me. Especially my beautiful beautiful mother. She must feel so far and distant because I am pushing her away so much, for no reason at all. But to her, it's every reason at all.
Use your noodle
You spend your whole life convincing yourself you are better, just know you are better and then it comes naturally. -me!
Stop this train
Grrrrrrrr, finals make me dizzy. Does anybody else have the problem of being 19 and not accepting it. I still have the mind state of 14 year old, I feel like my body is 14. All these responsibilities, is an eye opening. Paying bills to college. I go to college!?!?? Welcome to the real world baby, I still feel like a big baby who loves when mommy cooks chicken cutlets for dinner, who stays in her room locked away, who still feels weird driving my car. When am I going to accept I am old, and growing up. Looking at apartments has made me feel, funky. I feel like my job is a social event, I feel like my art class is for fun and not for a B+. I don't know where to begin at making me realize I am getting older, even though I am good at being young. When I am in a car with people of 21 years of age, I feel like I am just hanging out with sophomores at my high school. Ugh high school, where I actually thought waking up for school was bad. I always think with this mind state of young and I think it helps me out sometimes, besides the fact of admitting I am getting older. But it helps me get up out of bed, go to school and dance classes. Because when I was 2 I used to do 10x more in a day then I do now. We're all so quick to take on responsibilities of a 19 year old. Getting cars, staying out drinking, no curfews but we're all also so bad at taking on the actual work that comes on with all those. That is the ideal age. The age where all this new is allowed, and responsibility is starting to grow, but it never really comes. 14-16. When I was starting to go out, have friends drive to me to dance instead my mom, homework on my own, first job babysitting business and every 20 dollars I made I didn't need to save, I just went and got a 20 dollars shirt at the mall on a saturday afternoon with 2 friends. Ugh. I miss that. I also love being old. I feel so much more in control of my emotions.
"Welcome to the real world now"
"So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young"
But.. Who's to say, anyway?
Radio station
"Pretty the world" matt nathanson
"Word play" Jason Mraz
"Styrofoam Ashes" Deathcab for Cutie
"Situations" Jack Johnson
"Where are you now" Michelle Branch
"Anna Molly" Incubus
"The Celibate life" The shins
"Left behind" Aqualung
"River" Lights
"California" Copeland
"The Dreamer and the realist" The Morning of
"Shut your eyes" Snow patrol
"Dreamworld" Rilo Kiley
"Jane" Ben Folds Five
"She paints me blue" Something corporate
"Goodie like two shoes" matchbook romance
"If your Feeling Sinister" Belle and Sebastion
"White feather" Wolfmother "
"Caves" Jacks Mannequin
"Me and the Moon" Something Corporate
"Martyr me" The Get Up Kids
"Billion Bees" Kevin Devine
"Road To Joy" Bright Eyes
"Light" Rocket summer
"Papercut skin" The Matches
"I'm not saying goodbye" A rocket to the moon
"Pacific Theme" Broken Social Scene
"On Your Wings" Iron and Wine
"Kissing you lips" Quietdrive
"Lonely day"Phantom planet
"Gimmi Gimmi shock treatment" The Romones
"Someone is waiting" Neutral Milk Hotel
"Lyrical lies" Cute is what we aim for
"Make out kids" Motion City Soundtrack
"Coffee break" FTSK
"Contellation" The Julianna Theory
"Fight" Ben Kweller
"You won't know" Brand new
"Radio Cure" Wilco
"July, July" The Decemberists
"Baby it's a fact" Hellogoodbye
"Stop this Train" John Mayer
"Almost lovers" A Fine Frenzy
"The Delicate Place" Spoon
"In the rearview" The Academy is
"The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" The Postal Service
"Sharp Knife" Third Eyed Blind ----> "All that we call chaos I will say is by design" <3
"On the Radio" Regina Spektor
k.
"Welcome to the real world now"
"So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young"
But.. Who's to say, anyway?
Radio station
"Pretty the world" matt nathanson
"Word play" Jason Mraz
"Styrofoam Ashes" Deathcab for Cutie
"Situations" Jack Johnson
"Where are you now" Michelle Branch
"Anna Molly" Incubus
"The Celibate life" The shins
"Left behind" Aqualung
"River" Lights
"California" Copeland
"The Dreamer and the realist" The Morning of
"Shut your eyes" Snow patrol
"Dreamworld" Rilo Kiley
"Jane" Ben Folds Five
"She paints me blue" Something corporate
"Goodie like two shoes" matchbook romance
"If your Feeling Sinister" Belle and Sebastion
"White feather" Wolfmother "
"Caves" Jacks Mannequin
"Me and the Moon" Something Corporate
"Martyr me" The Get Up Kids
"Billion Bees" Kevin Devine
"Road To Joy" Bright Eyes
"Light" Rocket summer
"Papercut skin" The Matches
"I'm not saying goodbye" A rocket to the moon
"Pacific Theme" Broken Social Scene
"On Your Wings" Iron and Wine
"Kissing you lips" Quietdrive
"Lonely day"Phantom planet
"Gimmi Gimmi shock treatment" The Romones
"Someone is waiting" Neutral Milk Hotel
"Lyrical lies" Cute is what we aim for
"Make out kids" Motion City Soundtrack
"Coffee break" FTSK
"Contellation" The Julianna Theory
"Fight" Ben Kweller
"You won't know" Brand new
"Radio Cure" Wilco
"July, July" The Decemberists
"Baby it's a fact" Hellogoodbye
"Stop this Train" John Mayer
"Almost lovers" A Fine Frenzy
"The Delicate Place" Spoon
"In the rearview" The Academy is
"The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" The Postal Service
"Sharp Knife" Third Eyed Blind ----> "All that we call chaos I will say is by design" <3
"On the Radio" Regina Spektor
k.
Monday, December 14, 2009
"I just can't decide"
I make these pre planned days of waking up, going to class, library, gallery, nap, homework, dinner, study, paint. But then I wake up, and except for class, I don't do one thing right. Not that I don't do my work, because I do. But out of order, fun first, library for longer. At the end of the day I find myself going, look at what I just did I like to be okay with my whole day. But still everyday I make these to-do's. I've always been a planner, especially when it's something I am anxious for. But recently I have let go. Spontaneity has not only taken over my free time, but my work time too. I don't read the paperwork for bar mitzvahs anymore, I just go and read the people while I'm there. Everything will just fall into place. I don't have much, but what I do have I cherish greatly. I have realized I like having my own things recently. Groups, plans are great. But getting an unexpected something, that only you get is so so nice. I wonder something what I will be like married with kids. What is going to be to myself. Besides the fact I will stay in great shape and do bar mitzvahs until I am 35 pretending I am still 24 I don't know. I always need a side thing. No, I am not a cheater or deceiving. I just like my own things. Belongings, people, not everybody intertwined with everybody else. My personal space and unknown. Unknown is sexy. I never really know what to say, when all of my emotions get in the way. I'm just trying to get on the same page. I always get it right, afterwards. When all the wrong impressions are said and heard, why can I never find the right words? I am indecisive with futures, days, mornings, bed times, boys, feelings, family, thoughts. If you stepped into my brain it would easily confused you. Its like that devil angel thing, but with want and needs. Desires and disgust. Going or staying. Home or out. Good and bad. Off and on. Surfaced and deep.
Face up
Have I ever told you?
I can hear your heartbeat from 6 feet away.
Without looking, I know it's you calling.
I like your imperfections more then your perfect hands.
When you laugh it sounds genuine, but I always wonder what is genuine about you.
Your initials are my alarm clock name, every morning.
Reading between my words, is something you do best and your secret power.
I drive around the block an extra time, every time just to hear that line.
People don't always leave.
Sentimental with you should be my middle name.
I blush when I see your stomach.
Excuses are my specialty.
I got out at that light and screamed loudly each night.
I've never washed that sweatshirt.
I lie about my feelings, constantly because I don't know them.
I know your patterns like the back of my hand.
Temporary is temporary for me but for you it is permanent.
Everything seems to have gone and come and I am standing idle wondering why the red light isn't green yet.
I can hear your heartbeat from 6 feet away.
Without looking, I know it's you calling.
I like your imperfections more then your perfect hands.
When you laugh it sounds genuine, but I always wonder what is genuine about you.
Your initials are my alarm clock name, every morning.
Reading between my words, is something you do best and your secret power.
I drive around the block an extra time, every time just to hear that line.
People don't always leave.
Sentimental with you should be my middle name.
I blush when I see your stomach.
Excuses are my specialty.
I got out at that light and screamed loudly each night.
I've never washed that sweatshirt.
I lie about my feelings, constantly because I don't know them.
I know your patterns like the back of my hand.
Temporary is temporary for me but for you it is permanent.
Everything seems to have gone and come and I am standing idle wondering why the red light isn't green yet.
Little motel
We treat mishaps like sinking ships and I know that I don't want to be out to drift. Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and they both tell me that we're better than this.
Glasses on, i'm out the door
lost in wonderland.. with all animals like bambi animals all around.
hiding words, animals trees. all over shirt. busy. cartoonish.
I fancy you
Being somebody doesn't make you anybody anyway
heartsick
something old nothing new
the games that play us
F. you and your chemistry
in - periodic table b&w
eye sex
i love my shadow
bye boy. by girl. COLLECTION.
dream catch me.
dream catcher - autumn colors
my past
stays in my past.
hiding words, animals trees. all over shirt. busy. cartoonish.
I fancy you
Being somebody doesn't make you anybody anyway
heartsick
something old nothing new
the games that play us
F. you and your chemistry
in - periodic table b&w
eye sex
i love my shadow
bye boy. by girl. COLLECTION.
dream catch me.
dream catcher - autumn colors
my past
stays in my past.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Lions make me brave
"I always invite the Vampires in"
"We are in a recession, now the only thing that matters is looking good"
in-theory
[eh-nn-theer-ee]–i'm in
| 1. | always looking good. |
| 2. | you get it.. (brainstorm) |
| 3. | Th[in]k [in]theory. |
War on free
In range, of raging
This week is stress involved. I cannot wait for @trinatyler to be home, eating sushi in her basement with her and Emily having meetings of the mind. This is going to be exactly the kind of break I need. The break where I work harder and go where this needs to go. I want my life to dramatically 360, I have been in Prep stage for too long now. All right, so .. Brainstorm ideas. Finish final.. Make 8-10 layouts of final designs. Colors. Patterns. Shirts. Get this going, please. I feel trapped.
I laid in bed all day watching Glee. hahaha!
I just want people to know I mean the best by my actions even they are hurtful at first.
Right person.
Wrong timing.
Restless thoughts
...keep racing.
[IN] time..
My decision making skills have been so lOOpy lately. I don't know the difference between my dreams and reality. I am anxious for my date, with the boy I have loved my whole life. But at the same time, I like keeping things fantasy. That is my problem and most likely if you are reading my blog on your free time, it is probably your problem too. I don't know what I want, how I want it, and what to do with it when I get it. I am at the point in my life where I really don't care what people think about me anymore. I am going to make decision based upon my demur and what my objective is. Even if my decisions seem silly and meaningless I am learning to tell the difference between right and wrong and my heart and mind. And that is my mission, MISSION confusion I have lived with for the past 2 years. Is what does my heart want and what does my mind want. My mind is all about the literals. What makes sense, what feels right, what is logical. Like going to class, when my heart wants to snugs all day. My heart is the mush. The mush to big eyes, and good music. Now which one is the sex one. My mind, 100 percent. My mind thinks sex, it tells me if I want the sexual part or the heart part. That is when I have trouble deciphering. I liked this boy, but did I stay liking him because sex never happened. I mean I know sex isn't needed, trust me I know that. I've had several relationships where sex was waited months. But with this one, was sex the deciding factor. I don't know.
I am losing weight, it is shedding quicky. I have lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks, but I miss brownies and easy mac. Like hell. It is 130 am and I think I am going to make me some easy mac. Some strong diet skills right, some self control.
My name is Lyn Bassen and I lack self control.
My name is Larry David and I enjoy wearing women's underwear.
I laid in bed all day watching Glee. hahaha!
I just want people to know I mean the best by my actions even they are hurtful at first.
Right person.
Wrong timing.
Restless thoughts
...keep racing.
[IN] time..
My decision making skills have been so lOOpy lately. I don't know the difference between my dreams and reality. I am anxious for my date, with the boy I have loved my whole life. But at the same time, I like keeping things fantasy. That is my problem and most likely if you are reading my blog on your free time, it is probably your problem too. I don't know what I want, how I want it, and what to do with it when I get it. I am at the point in my life where I really don't care what people think about me anymore. I am going to make decision based upon my demur and what my objective is. Even if my decisions seem silly and meaningless I am learning to tell the difference between right and wrong and my heart and mind. And that is my mission, MISSION confusion I have lived with for the past 2 years. Is what does my heart want and what does my mind want. My mind is all about the literals. What makes sense, what feels right, what is logical. Like going to class, when my heart wants to snugs all day. My heart is the mush. The mush to big eyes, and good music. Now which one is the sex one. My mind, 100 percent. My mind thinks sex, it tells me if I want the sexual part or the heart part. That is when I have trouble deciphering. I liked this boy, but did I stay liking him because sex never happened. I mean I know sex isn't needed, trust me I know that. I've had several relationships where sex was waited months. But with this one, was sex the deciding factor. I don't know.
I am losing weight, it is shedding quicky. I have lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks, but I miss brownies and easy mac. Like hell. It is 130 am and I think I am going to make me some easy mac. Some strong diet skills right, some self control.
My name is Lyn Bassen and I lack self control.
My name is Larry David and I enjoy wearing women's underwear.
Santa baby
Christmas list, yes we get christmas gifts here.
1) Wild Fox clothing. I am obsessed
2) Carlos Falchi bag, white
3) One Tree Hill and Dexter newest seasons
4) Jimmy Choo "hole" boots. Black
5) Libra Ring
6) Cheetah Snuggie
1) Wild Fox clothing. I am obsessed
2) Carlos Falchi bag, white
3) One Tree Hill and Dexter newest seasons
4) Jimmy Choo "hole" boots. Black
5) Libra Ring
6) Cheetah Snuggie
Tied to my desires
Gather the people
Move to a new place
Gather the people
Do it in a few days
Gather the people
Find out the new ways
To start a new phase
In a few days
In a new place
-rilo kiley
Forgiveness. Where does it happen inside of you to forget what your past. Is there really a state of time forgiving people or is what happens evident from the start. I am confused in my bed at 2pm and in cuddle mode. snugsies. It's such a bad feeling, but the feelng what you wake up and wonder if that was really you 1-2 hours before you fell asleep. It feels like a dream. Everything. But it's me and you pay for what you do, every time. No escaping life.
Move to a new place
Gather the people
Do it in a few days
Gather the people
Find out the new ways
To start a new phase
In a few days
In a new place
-rilo kiley
Forgiveness. Where does it happen inside of you to forget what your past. Is there really a state of time forgiving people or is what happens evident from the start. I am confused in my bed at 2pm and in cuddle mode. snugsies. It's such a bad feeling, but the feelng what you wake up and wonder if that was really you 1-2 hours before you fell asleep. It feels like a dream. Everything. But it's me and you pay for what you do, every time. No escaping life.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Goodnight nobody.
When I get drunk, I pretend I am a super hero and that I am in invincible and fights crime with a head band on her waist.
<3
goodnight everybody and happy hannukah. MAZEL TOV.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Darkness my old friend
http://trinatylerfeedsyou.blogspot.com/2009/12/oh-adademia.html
I'm with that girl.
I'm with that girl.
Is this real life?
"I was a postcard, I was a record, I was a camera until I went blind and now I'm riding all over this island looking for something to open my eyes."
getit?
getit?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Let's play pretend
Once in a while I act like a child to feel like a kid again. It gets like a prison in the body I'm living in. Cause everyones watching and quick to start talking. I'm losing my innocence.
Wish I were a little girl without the weight of the world.
It would be nice to start over again. Before we were men. I'd give, I'd bend, Let's play pretend.
And when its the end, our lives will make sense and love, we'll bend.
Lets play.... pretend.
Wish I were a little girl without the weight of the world.
It would be nice to start over again. Before we were men. I'd give, I'd bend, Let's play pretend.
And when its the end, our lives will make sense and love, we'll bend.
Lets play.... pretend.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Secret sexy santa
Want to know my secret santa?
NO! it's a secret
My sisters got a blog, f0ll0w http://8456732.blogspot.com/
<3
I feel sick, trina got me sick via video
I am going to sleep before 4am, well I am attempting. Pajamas, vitamins, chrissy on my lap, disney channel on and all. Let's see where this brings me. No I am not in my own bed. I am sick. Weekend I am ready for you. two jobs, thank god I need to get my SECRET girl a good gift and host the best 2009 holiday party of the century.
Goodnight again.
Boy you have taken my attention<3
Lights tomorrow with wife.
P.S. goodnight
NO! it's a secret
My sisters got a blog, f0ll0w http://8456732.blogspot.com/
<3
I feel sick, trina got me sick via video
I am going to sleep before 4am, well I am attempting. Pajamas, vitamins, chrissy on my lap, disney channel on and all. Let's see where this brings me. No I am not in my own bed. I am sick. Weekend I am ready for you. two jobs, thank god I need to get my SECRET girl a good gift and host the best 2009 holiday party of the century.
Goodnight again.
Boy you have taken my attention<3
Lights tomorrow with wife.
P.S. goodnight
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Lost and trying to get back
I don't know where being okay and not feeling complete went.
When do you reach that medium.
Is it a life long struggle of trying to be ok.
When will I know I'm completely there.
Will I look different or feeling different when I get there.
Does anybody else feel like a 19 year old who can't accept they are 19 and still feel like you're looking in the mirror of a 14 year old. Maybe I'm stuck in 14. I drive a car, I have responsibilities, I work more then I play, I pay bills, I will have a college degree this year, and I can buy tobacco products. But why do I still feel funny making my own doctor appointments? And why do I look at other 20 year olds, depending on who they are I feel so much younger. Do they look at me and feel the same way?
I don't know where my head is. "Where I hung my coat is where I left my head".
I had a huge fight with Leon. It's got me real upset. It's 2 am I should be fast asleep, but I feel bad. I feel sorry even though I still can't accept I did anything wrong. He threw iced tea at me because I didn't want to cheat. I was in the kitchen studying, you came around and started helping. You made it easier, but I'm still the one taking the test. Sometimes I'm scared of anger in boys. I always drop to fetal position. I guess that has a lot to do with 1st relationship, but I just can't seem to come around anymore. I have a guard up, a huge one up these past 2 weeks. To everyone. Especially my mother and father.
Two weeks ago, when I came around and decided to forgive two people who did something and acted like it was nothing, but for 5 days it was the center of my life. I feel like it's going to happen. With taylor, with greg, with julia. I am just walking on eggshells. But they are my own eggshells no one else. I'm scared of giving someone my word, and having it thrown back in my face, by "casual conversation" and a "I never felt that way" and by rumors that I am psychotic and I make up shit. I know facts when I see them. I have diaries of proof but still you deny. I have grown tired of these games. You are dead to me.
I am acting 14 more and more. Foolish and insecure.
Like before is gone
P. Sawyer, Lyn
B. Davis, Taylor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OCrE_nk8rU&feature=related
it's crazy I feel like the show was made to play us. 4:08 ahahah.
6:14 . "you're my brooke"
7:31.. best friend."brooke were 9"
Crinkled note by the side of the road
designing doodie'ing yodeling .. a few on my list of extensive talents.
"I feel designed like someone's drawings of me. I play in her story book for her entertainment".
Mania girl
Friday night out for Franks bday :-)
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?_dyncharset=ISO-8859-1&navAction=jump&id=17362948&search=true&isProduct=true&parentid=SEARCH+RESULTS&color=001
Is it bad that I am obsessed with this outfit. Shopping online is danger.
Remember John Lennon
With your hand in mine
We'll soar through the night
And like the dozens of spaceships we'll dance with satellites
We'll keep our eyes closed
And we won't let go
And with the millions of stars we'll will never be alone
That's the vacation I want.
I have such a high love passion for lyrical geniuses. On a day like today, I just realize that putting words and expressing feelings into simple, straight forward but yet metaphorically, poetic words is such a difficult thing. Something that needs to be done correctly. I love it when I hear a great song or hook and it just explains, sums up my feelings of my thoughts that race a thousand miles per second through my mind in a matter of 3 or 4 words. It just hits me like, woah. Everyone interprets it different but it hits the spot. John Lennon, Paul Simon, Jackson Brown, John Mayer, Conor Oberst, Rilo Kiley, Aaron Marsh, Will Pugh, Bob Dylan, Andrew McMahon, Vanessa Carlton, Karen O, Dan Layus..... this is not even close to how many great lyricist there are out there, just my recent. Serious respect and envy. After these intense guitar and piano sesh's, maybe my writing and poetry I can put with a melody. When someone already has a melody I find the right words, it just comes. I want to write music. I want to do so much and too much.
Holidays are soon, I'm hosting the christmas party for all my ladies. I want to decorate and go all out. For Julia birthday too. This end of semester is draining me. I am looking forward to travels asap. This christmas break we will get everything together, and plan for them. California, I am coming. Soon I promise.
I wish this state was stricter with school. People take such advantage of school, in China and India kids have school 50 more days then us. Shorter vacations and longer days. Much longer days, and look at how advanced they are. When I call a computer company for help with my illustrator programs, it's usually always India I am transferred to. If we didn't know better we couldn't complain, right. I know from my teaching experience, when kids come back in September you have to spend 3 months re teaching. That is a waste, I know I hate waking up in the morning early, and I love coming home with daylight while I was in middle and HS, but elementary school and middle school should be extended. Kids aren't getting what they are learning now, at all. Studies show, I am doing this for my final research paper for my 'Life Span' class and it is insane what I am learning about kids in other countries and their cognitive abilities.
We'll soar through the night
And like the dozens of spaceships we'll dance with satellites
We'll keep our eyes closed
And we won't let go
And with the millions of stars we'll will never be alone
That's the vacation I want.
I have such a high love passion for lyrical geniuses. On a day like today, I just realize that putting words and expressing feelings into simple, straight forward but yet metaphorically, poetic words is such a difficult thing. Something that needs to be done correctly. I love it when I hear a great song or hook and it just explains, sums up my feelings of my thoughts that race a thousand miles per second through my mind in a matter of 3 or 4 words. It just hits me like, woah. Everyone interprets it different but it hits the spot. John Lennon, Paul Simon, Jackson Brown, John Mayer, Conor Oberst, Rilo Kiley, Aaron Marsh, Will Pugh, Bob Dylan, Andrew McMahon, Vanessa Carlton, Karen O, Dan Layus..... this is not even close to how many great lyricist there are out there, just my recent. Serious respect and envy. After these intense guitar and piano sesh's, maybe my writing and poetry I can put with a melody. When someone already has a melody I find the right words, it just comes. I want to write music. I want to do so much and too much.
Holidays are soon, I'm hosting the christmas party for all my ladies. I want to decorate and go all out. For Julia birthday too. This end of semester is draining me. I am looking forward to travels asap. This christmas break we will get everything together, and plan for them. California, I am coming. Soon I promise.
I wish this state was stricter with school. People take such advantage of school, in China and India kids have school 50 more days then us. Shorter vacations and longer days. Much longer days, and look at how advanced they are. When I call a computer company for help with my illustrator programs, it's usually always India I am transferred to. If we didn't know better we couldn't complain, right. I know from my teaching experience, when kids come back in September you have to spend 3 months re teaching. That is a waste, I know I hate waking up in the morning early, and I love coming home with daylight while I was in middle and HS, but elementary school and middle school should be extended. Kids aren't getting what they are learning now, at all. Studies show, I am doing this for my final research paper for my 'Life Span' class and it is insane what I am learning about kids in other countries and their cognitive abilities.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Such Great Heights
"Hello"
"Hey, why are you calling me this late?"
"Because I can't sleep"
"Because you know I'm guna be up?"
"No because your so boring, you're going to make me fall asleep"
I can't sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep world.
Hey taylor, if you got a blog FOLLOW ME <3
The Postal Service. The Kooks. Art projects done.
"Hey, why are you calling me this late?"
"Because I can't sleep"
"Because you know I'm guna be up?"
"No because your so boring, you're going to make me fall asleep"
I can't sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep world.
Hey taylor, if you got a blog FOLLOW ME <3
The Postal Service. The Kooks. Art projects done.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Carry your heart with me
| I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart I am never without it. Anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling. I fear. No fate, for you are my fate my sweet want no world for beautiful you are my world,my true and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you. Here is the deepest secret nobody knows here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart. - E.E. Cummings, american poet<3 |
Baby we're invincible
'Tis the season...
After a long weekend of holiday fiascos, egg nog and movie night with ladies, cold nights, so cold your breath shows, long drives to and from jersey in the snow, cold feets and christmas mayhem, two bat mitzvahs. My friends and family are doing gifts this year, big. So I have been spending, spending non-stop. But it feels really good, getting the presents I know people will love. (and ofc my list was a great one:))
After christmas I will go to Buffalo, I am a little anxious about it. I won't take the plane, small planes are terrifying. When we were in DR and the stop over was in Puerto Rico, small plane to DR was terrifying. Gina and me were freaking, gina more. Hahaa. The bus ride is eight hours though. I am undecided if I want to go alone or with Leon and Greg and me and Taylor. I am feeling all sorts of feelings, that I can't identify. They will come overtime. School boils down to these two weeks, so here goes. Hell. Finals. Final art portfolios due, guitar presentation. I am not ready, I will get through it. I can't decide if I should take a class over the winter break.. I need the credits but I also need the break.
I want to go see the tree with him!
Taylor and I are right back to the basics, having a best friend is something you should all invest in. haaha.
After a long weekend of holiday fiascos, egg nog and movie night with ladies, cold nights, so cold your breath shows, long drives to and from jersey in the snow, cold feets and christmas mayhem, two bat mitzvahs. My friends and family are doing gifts this year, big. So I have been spending, spending non-stop. But it feels really good, getting the presents I know people will love. (and ofc my list was a great one:))
After christmas I will go to Buffalo, I am a little anxious about it. I won't take the plane, small planes are terrifying. When we were in DR and the stop over was in Puerto Rico, small plane to DR was terrifying. Gina and me were freaking, gina more. Hahaa. The bus ride is eight hours though. I am undecided if I want to go alone or with Leon and Greg and me and Taylor. I am feeling all sorts of feelings, that I can't identify. They will come overtime. School boils down to these two weeks, so here goes. Hell. Finals. Final art portfolios due, guitar presentation. I am not ready, I will get through it. I can't decide if I should take a class over the winter break.. I need the credits but I also need the break.
I want to go see the tree with him!
Taylor and I are right back to the basics, having a best friend is something you should all invest in. haaha.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Flying at tree level
Isn't is crazy what time can do?
This day was so important to me. From 14-16 years old it was a birthday to someone I think I loved. And today, I woke up and went on with my day and didn't remember it was his birthday! Years can make you just forget something once that was so apparent, there. Happy birthday! It really freaked me out as I was driving home and I saw a familiar car. One that I had so many memories in it. Memories that I can still relive and reenact. So familiar, but yet so out of my head I let myself forget. At the red light. Everything hits me at red lights! I mean it; red lights are just time to stop, think to where you are going. And think about what you just left behind. I saw a familiar hand smoking a cigarette. Then the stop I heard the familiar music I once knew every line to that we'd sing together or that I'd childishly turn up as loud as I could during a fight, to get the last word. These memories streamed my head. I love that you can forget something, not think about it for a day or months; in this case, years! But it's in a back pocket in your brain, just waiting to be remembered. Rediscovered. That spark that goes off when you think about or speak about a memory. That's all you hold with past lovers, past friends. A back pocket full of memories that is only kept inside you and them. Uncharted territory. Food for though, eh? What a great day! Thank you for making me feel like a little kid tonight. I really do love my job, I love my friends. Most of all, I do love this looney family. In all this chaos, I gather myself and realize how it isn't bad, it could be worse. It could always be worse. And all this handed to me and presented to me, is what I will deal with when I want to and how i'd like too. It has to be dealt with, feelings need to be dealt with of course, to keep it all working right up here. That can be done, on my own time. That is why my side says "In all that we call chaos, I will say is by design". Goodnight world, Dream Catch Me.
This day was so important to me. From 14-16 years old it was a birthday to someone I think I loved. And today, I woke up and went on with my day and didn't remember it was his birthday! Years can make you just forget something once that was so apparent, there. Happy birthday! It really freaked me out as I was driving home and I saw a familiar car. One that I had so many memories in it. Memories that I can still relive and reenact. So familiar, but yet so out of my head I let myself forget. At the red light. Everything hits me at red lights! I mean it; red lights are just time to stop, think to where you are going. And think about what you just left behind. I saw a familiar hand smoking a cigarette. Then the stop I heard the familiar music I once knew every line to that we'd sing together or that I'd childishly turn up as loud as I could during a fight, to get the last word. These memories streamed my head. I love that you can forget something, not think about it for a day or months; in this case, years! But it's in a back pocket in your brain, just waiting to be remembered. Rediscovered. That spark that goes off when you think about or speak about a memory. That's all you hold with past lovers, past friends. A back pocket full of memories that is only kept inside you and them. Uncharted territory. Food for though, eh? What a great day! Thank you for making me feel like a little kid tonight. I really do love my job, I love my friends. Most of all, I do love this looney family. In all this chaos, I gather myself and realize how it isn't bad, it could be worse. It could always be worse. And all this handed to me and presented to me, is what I will deal with when I want to and how i'd like too. It has to be dealt with, feelings need to be dealt with of course, to keep it all working right up here. That can be done, on my own time. That is why my side says "In all that we call chaos, I will say is by design". Goodnight world, Dream Catch Me.
A poem on the underground wall
I am having such a good day. I handed in 18 english papers today, what a relief. Now I need to shower and pull myself together after that all-nighter. Shopping seems evident and a must right now. Visit darlene at work, then spend the night with Emily who is stuck at home, but feeling a lot better. I want a movie night involving wine and nonsense with a fine lady.
I hear of rumors of a Something Corporate reunion. I hope they are true.
This boy has got all my attention.
I believe in nothing but the truth in who we are.
I hear of rumors of a Something Corporate reunion. I hope they are true.
This boy has got all my attention.
I believe in nothing but the truth in who we are.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Alternative Lifestyles
There is so much going on right now and I know eventually it will lead me to where I need to be. Everything you go through in life has a meaning behind it.. There is reasoning to everything.. You will always learn more with each and every day of your life. Sometimes its good, but sometimes we have to go through pain to achieve it. It's all worth it I believe. Trust me on this one. Take if from someone who hasn't lived a story book like since day one. I had trouble my whole life coping with certain things I just couldn't change. And because of it I am so independent.
But with everything going on I still can put it behind me and move forward because life is about moving forward. Talking to people, communication is key and I have plenty of people in my life right now who without showing me good times, waking up with happy texts, going to sleep on long phone calls, and trading playlists. School, being at Nassau for 8 hours a day helps so much. I have an english class where we all make fun of the teacher (nice right). Then I go to art class where my teacher plays my ipod and everybody in the class is singing A Spill Canvas, Brand New and John Mayer by the end of 4 grueling hours of painting. Then there is my dance class. Where everyday I slip on my sheer tights and my old ratty leotard from 7th grade that I can't part with. I love standing in front of the mirror and when the music starts we all move the music all in sync but each one of us different because of our form, technique, bodies, movement. It is the best high I experience. Always do what you have to do to get through the hard times.
For me right now it is this bottle of pinot grigio I bought and heading to my friend joannes house to indulge in it with some fine women.
But with everything going on I still can put it behind me and move forward because life is about moving forward. Talking to people, communication is key and I have plenty of people in my life right now who without showing me good times, waking up with happy texts, going to sleep on long phone calls, and trading playlists. School, being at Nassau for 8 hours a day helps so much. I have an english class where we all make fun of the teacher (nice right). Then I go to art class where my teacher plays my ipod and everybody in the class is singing A Spill Canvas, Brand New and John Mayer by the end of 4 grueling hours of painting. Then there is my dance class. Where everyday I slip on my sheer tights and my old ratty leotard from 7th grade that I can't part with. I love standing in front of the mirror and when the music starts we all move the music all in sync but each one of us different because of our form, technique, bodies, movement. It is the best high I experience. Always do what you have to do to get through the hard times.
For me right now it is this bottle of pinot grigio I bought and heading to my friend joannes house to indulge in it with some fine women.
Good Old War
My birth mothers husband got a job in White Plains, I know them being that close is could cause a lot more tension and I don't know if that's okay. How is my mom going to deal with this? That's my real worry. I mean I can't stop it and I don't want to. But for me, being the way I am I like things in distance. Or do I. Is it the distance that keeps me away from friends/family. Maybe this will be easier. White plains, an hour away. A weekly visit is apparent. I know I don't owe anything to anybody but that is how I feel. I can't help what I feel. At the same time it is kind of refreshing, easier then 8 hours every time, not a trip just an everyday experience. It is all an experience. I hope they look at it that way too. This is all for money for them, but to me it's a lot more. It is a new brand new journey. And this is what life does, I have to take it in and let it all happen because it isn't in my hands. Life is a lot bigger then me.
I'm on my way to a meeting, for support. Then Brooklyn to meet up with some friends to go shopping and see Good Old War. One of the greatest bands of all time. Music makes it all better and shopping too. Haha. Such a woman. Head head head needs some clearing. and tummy needs some mexican food. pronto!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Rant of odiseus
This world is full of people that don't have things, that say that they have things because they want to be looked at as if they have those things.
Art students who aren't artistic.
Dancers who have never danced.
Insomniacs without insomnia?
OCD with quite the opposite.
Anxiety with no nerves.
Relying on music when don't.
Talking about books you haven't read?
Movies that are unseen.
Why would you say things you don't do. Why would you prance around boasting about things you can't fulfill. I want something real, something so real that the realness seems unreal. Rawness to a person is such an attractive thing. Honestly is such a beautiful thing. You will only be loved, wanted when you become honest with who you give off to people. I can make anybody believe anything they want about me. But the truth of the matter is, I'm going to let you know me because I can't change the evident.
Lately I am coming across these people more and more. Figuring out that people I thought really did something don't. Be for serious now. With yourself. Come to terms you are such a beautiful, full of life person. Now give them what you have. Don't spend time making up for things you can't do. And don't do things to get someone's attention. They will like you just the way you are/were.
Like what you like.
Me, I watch Disney all the time. Hannah Montana and Sonny with a Chance and that's ok! I'm a total geek I read boring books about history because I like facts. Non-fiction. I write fiction, things. made up in my head. But reading things that didn't happen sometimes freak me out. Movies though, fiction all the way. I am fascinated by the dictionary and only have OCD with grammar, I wish I had OCD maybe then my room would be clean. It is never clean. I take 2 hours to get ready. Sneezes scare me because it makes me nervous about breathing. But other then that I'm a healthy clown. I hope. I get happy attacks that are uncontrollable spurts of happy. I don't sleep in my own new bed in 2 months? Because I hate being alone.
go out and be a person, you're person. you are you because of what you like.
Real life winded
I am sitting in a dark dark room. I was filled with music, drinks, friends and family tonight. And it was enough for me. I was content and fulfilled. I wasn't thinking about my head being different or me feeling unwanted and misplaced. It was all so overwhelming that I felt completely just numb to everything except her voice. My eyes are closing as a I type this, I want to sleep. I haven't slept in days, no over exaggeration there. I get my work done before midnight but then I find myself wanted to design, sync my ipod, video chat with people across the world. and sleep doesn't come along until 5am. I realized my insomnia, isn't real anymore. When I was a child it was so apparent. I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried. Now all it is, is racing thoughts, racing mind, and the avoidance of sleep. Like now. I am so tired, and have an 8am painting2 class. But I am typing to my blog instead of letting these tired eyes win.
After a feel good night, recently it always has to come to an apparent stop. I get home, his cars not here. He ditched his 2 friends, and his meeting ended at 930. Where are you and what are you doing. I stood up for him so much at the dinner table today, saying my mother was wrong for telling other family members even though I understood how alone she felt and how she needed outside support. But you are now keeping everybody in this house awake. When you were away, we knew you were safe. Now your another lost soul in your car doing things unheard of. I fucking miss Greg, 17 years old. Following music, following girls, laughing, belly laughing. The other day it hit me, when you were 17 I thought you were the coolest kid in school. I thought everything about you was perfect. I watched you get on the bus every morning, go right to the back. Come home I would lay under your door and listen to you play for house until 3 am. I miss when this family was tied together by love and enjoyment in each other company. Now we are bound together by support of missing pieces and worry in this game of life.
I wish I had child issues to worry about. School projects seem to be the least of my worries. I remember I used to worry about what outfit I was wearing for elementary school the next day. I would go to sleep early morning, being so quiet so my mother wouldn't hear me. I would tip toe around trying on different clothes, day dreaming about seeing my 5 year elementary school boyfriend Kevin and pretend make out on my hand. Even though I lacked my first kiss until 7th grade? I avoided boys in middle school. I slept in my clothes so when my daddy would wake me up I would just run a comb through my hair and be able to spend time with him in the morning before school. When I was younger younger, half days of kindergarden my dad being a weekend musician. I went everywhere with him. Remember when you just went without complaining. You just had to go to music stores to get amps fixed, banks to pay bills, offices where I would be bribed by candy and presents. I was always picking up check and in my dads car. We'd sing the beatles and bob dylan and giggle so much. I was attached to my father, he taught me everything there is to know to a song, an artist.
I miss it when I was a child. I miss it when I was young and innocent.
When I didn't see everything in life I could have, when I just saw what was around me.
Now I lock myself in my room like when I was 16 going through that depressed stage. I stay away from the negativity. I still blast Brand New and Bright eyes so I can't hear a thing but their voices in my head. I flash back to each song reminding me of something so magical and new. 16 friends getting cars at high school. Cutting class to get iced coffees and listening to Conors voice sing about love and feeling. I miss taking the bus home with megan. I miss coming home to an empty house and running to the stereo to dance when no one would see me until 4:15. I miss the schedule of school, home, homework, dinner, mom take me to dance class night. I miss the group of 6 friends who thought we ruled the school, going to senior parties.
I know I love where I am right now. I love where I've been, who I left and what I have proven. But when I come home to a house where everybody is wide eyed at 2am wondering where the missing link is. I remember when the problems used to be that I dyed my hair with sun in at Samantha's without permission from my mother.
I'm frightened for him. I want to know what he's thinking what he's doing, why he's hurting us and himself. I go to these meetings and I see these people and I can't accept that my brotehr is one of them
Start accepting Lyn.
I've always been blind to things really happening to me.
Bright Eyes and Brand New make this all better, every time.
After a feel good night, recently it always has to come to an apparent stop. I get home, his cars not here. He ditched his 2 friends, and his meeting ended at 930. Where are you and what are you doing. I stood up for him so much at the dinner table today, saying my mother was wrong for telling other family members even though I understood how alone she felt and how she needed outside support. But you are now keeping everybody in this house awake. When you were away, we knew you were safe. Now your another lost soul in your car doing things unheard of. I fucking miss Greg, 17 years old. Following music, following girls, laughing, belly laughing. The other day it hit me, when you were 17 I thought you were the coolest kid in school. I thought everything about you was perfect. I watched you get on the bus every morning, go right to the back. Come home I would lay under your door and listen to you play for house until 3 am. I miss when this family was tied together by love and enjoyment in each other company. Now we are bound together by support of missing pieces and worry in this game of life.
I wish I had child issues to worry about. School projects seem to be the least of my worries. I remember I used to worry about what outfit I was wearing for elementary school the next day. I would go to sleep early morning, being so quiet so my mother wouldn't hear me. I would tip toe around trying on different clothes, day dreaming about seeing my 5 year elementary school boyfriend Kevin and pretend make out on my hand. Even though I lacked my first kiss until 7th grade? I avoided boys in middle school. I slept in my clothes so when my daddy would wake me up I would just run a comb through my hair and be able to spend time with him in the morning before school. When I was younger younger, half days of kindergarden my dad being a weekend musician. I went everywhere with him. Remember when you just went without complaining. You just had to go to music stores to get amps fixed, banks to pay bills, offices where I would be bribed by candy and presents. I was always picking up check and in my dads car. We'd sing the beatles and bob dylan and giggle so much. I was attached to my father, he taught me everything there is to know to a song, an artist.
I miss it when I was a child. I miss it when I was young and innocent.
When I didn't see everything in life I could have, when I just saw what was around me.
Now I lock myself in my room like when I was 16 going through that depressed stage. I stay away from the negativity. I still blast Brand New and Bright eyes so I can't hear a thing but their voices in my head. I flash back to each song reminding me of something so magical and new. 16 friends getting cars at high school. Cutting class to get iced coffees and listening to Conors voice sing about love and feeling. I miss taking the bus home with megan. I miss coming home to an empty house and running to the stereo to dance when no one would see me until 4:15. I miss the schedule of school, home, homework, dinner, mom take me to dance class night. I miss the group of 6 friends who thought we ruled the school, going to senior parties.
I know I love where I am right now. I love where I've been, who I left and what I have proven. But when I come home to a house where everybody is wide eyed at 2am wondering where the missing link is. I remember when the problems used to be that I dyed my hair with sun in at Samantha's without permission from my mother.
I'm frightened for him. I want to know what he's thinking what he's doing, why he's hurting us and himself. I go to these meetings and I see these people and I can't accept that my brotehr is one of them
Start accepting Lyn.
I've always been blind to things really happening to me.
Bright Eyes and Brand New make this all better, every time.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
December daze
Aw that was my first post of December. December let's see. Where was I last December.
I had just broken up with my boyfriend in November I was still coping with the feelings of leaving someone you told you loved them, and then one day waking up and realizing you want to be alone. December was my unwind month. Defiantly. The 6 girls were hanging out, going out meeting people every night. I was still on and off with Mike. I had a fling last December that was probably the most fun I've had with a boy... Ever? It was effortless and because me and him were both tied to other things and new at this single thing it was all just fun. I needed fun. Maybe that's what I need this December too. These 3 months have flown by. I feel like it was yesterday I was on a beach with Heather sipping sangria talking about possible bbq's that evening. This year flew by really. Dominican Republic was in April. Ah sweet April. Last December and last April were the best months of my life I might say. Everything was easy, no tangled webs. Just friends being friends and lovers being lovely. This year I made a lot of money, (a lot more then I have to show) duh to my spending habits. Yes my closet tripled in the past year. I saved a lot though and I am very happy. Saving for the future feels just so sweet. Sweet triumph. ahha. I met some awesome people in this year and rekindled past relationships as well. I saw friendships start and end quickly in a year. And many year long friendships rip their last string. I met my fucking birth mother this year. I got my heart broken this year. I broke a hear this year. On a good note, I love new years. I feel fresh, rejuvenated and easy. January, you always make me feel so easy. Last January I felt like I was on top of the world with dancing and Nassau going so god damn well. And 2010 entails graduating! a new chapter in my life. I will be able to say I have an Associates Degree. Laugh at me. But god damn, I worked my confused ass off for an A in every single class minus my C in science (I hate you Kadar.hahaa). Scholorships are now in the works and they give back to me the endless hours I spent awake on this top lap. This year I feel older, mature. Capable of making huge decisions regarding money and people. I am going into fucking business with people, devoting my time and effort into something I have my heart in. I am making a name for myself and a future for me. Ambition in me feels more on fire then ever before. I want to do so much with myself, and this is exactly where I want to start. Over 25 auditions I tried out this year also. Saying that is amazing to me. I did it all. Put my heart into a movement my body is meant to make. Even being denied half of them I still went, pushed and went through with something. Now I can say I am a lead dancer, and I like feeling lke I deserve it. And anybody who knows me, knows I don't go through with things a lot of time. I make up excuses and fall out last minute. I can't do that anymore. I don't have excuses to bury my head in anymore. I have only the road ahead of me. Long and winding road! I am ready to be tossed any obstacle and not even say I will overcome it, but fuck it I'll try. I'm also 19. And I love fun. Drinks, ladies, dancing, singing, making fool out of myself, falling in and out of love like night and day, flirting, saying things I don't mean. And I'm ready to do it another year. Traveling is always a must for me and now it when I start to book my travel plans. China here I come! Isreal hopefully in march too! So December you will end and January will start. Even just months and made up things, I feel brand new.
2010:
Video girl
Publish a diary
Dance on broadway?
Friends=ideas=success
(IN)theory .. all you got
China
Israel
Back to DR or aruba with ladies (carefree)
Travel the states, meet everybody
do something different in each state
Grand Canyon.. take 2.
Say I love you in each state
Graduate NCC with killer gpa
get accepted to city college
Teach dance to my little ballerinas
Go somewhere far with my brothers.. be together. Healthy!
Waterfalls 18x !
Get an apartment in the city
Live independently
feeeeeeeel alive!
family, another year together!
I had just broken up with my boyfriend in November I was still coping with the feelings of leaving someone you told you loved them, and then one day waking up and realizing you want to be alone. December was my unwind month. Defiantly. The 6 girls were hanging out, going out meeting people every night. I was still on and off with Mike. I had a fling last December that was probably the most fun I've had with a boy... Ever? It was effortless and because me and him were both tied to other things and new at this single thing it was all just fun. I needed fun. Maybe that's what I need this December too. These 3 months have flown by. I feel like it was yesterday I was on a beach with Heather sipping sangria talking about possible bbq's that evening. This year flew by really. Dominican Republic was in April. Ah sweet April. Last December and last April were the best months of my life I might say. Everything was easy, no tangled webs. Just friends being friends and lovers being lovely. This year I made a lot of money, (a lot more then I have to show) duh to my spending habits. Yes my closet tripled in the past year. I saved a lot though and I am very happy. Saving for the future feels just so sweet. Sweet triumph. ahha. I met some awesome people in this year and rekindled past relationships as well. I saw friendships start and end quickly in a year. And many year long friendships rip their last string. I met my fucking birth mother this year. I got my heart broken this year. I broke a hear this year. On a good note, I love new years. I feel fresh, rejuvenated and easy. January, you always make me feel so easy. Last January I felt like I was on top of the world with dancing and Nassau going so god damn well. And 2010 entails graduating! a new chapter in my life. I will be able to say I have an Associates Degree. Laugh at me. But god damn, I worked my confused ass off for an A in every single class minus my C in science (I hate you Kadar.hahaa). Scholorships are now in the works and they give back to me the endless hours I spent awake on this top lap. This year I feel older, mature. Capable of making huge decisions regarding money and people. I am going into fucking business with people, devoting my time and effort into something I have my heart in. I am making a name for myself and a future for me. Ambition in me feels more on fire then ever before. I want to do so much with myself, and this is exactly where I want to start. Over 25 auditions I tried out this year also. Saying that is amazing to me. I did it all. Put my heart into a movement my body is meant to make. Even being denied half of them I still went, pushed and went through with something. Now I can say I am a lead dancer, and I like feeling lke I deserve it. And anybody who knows me, knows I don't go through with things a lot of time. I make up excuses and fall out last minute. I can't do that anymore. I don't have excuses to bury my head in anymore. I have only the road ahead of me. Long and winding road! I am ready to be tossed any obstacle and not even say I will overcome it, but fuck it I'll try. I'm also 19. And I love fun. Drinks, ladies, dancing, singing, making fool out of myself, falling in and out of love like night and day, flirting, saying things I don't mean. And I'm ready to do it another year. Traveling is always a must for me and now it when I start to book my travel plans. China here I come! Isreal hopefully in march too! So December you will end and January will start. Even just months and made up things, I feel brand new.
2010:
Video girl
Publish a diary
Dance on broadway?
Friends=ideas=success
(IN)theory .. all you got
China
Israel
Back to DR or aruba with ladies (carefree)
Travel the states, meet everybody
do something different in each state
Grand Canyon.. take 2.
Say I love you in each state
Graduate NCC with killer gpa
get accepted to city college
Teach dance to my little ballerinas
Go somewhere far with my brothers.. be together. Healthy!
Waterfalls 18x !
Get an apartment in the city
Live independently
feeeeeeeel alive!
family, another year together!
Racing fingers match head
So today was a head race. My brother comes home tomorrow so I am playing housewife and cleaning and fixing. I want to make him comfortable but the few things I learned in meetings is I can't make it easier for him. Wooooof. I am so excited and anxious for him though. I don't even want to go to my classes, but 2 tests means I have to! I am watching boxing. It is clearing my head, hhaha I have been sucked in since I got home. Getting my body back to technique is going to be such a challenge. Doing a split today HURT! It used to be cake. I had to stretch for an hour to get it. I am in pain down all over. Poor Emily, I might go sleep in the hospital with her if Adam doesn't. I hate hospital though bad things happened in my hospitals.
Today I feel so fixed. I talked with Taylor for 4 hours. We went to the mall and ate and shopped. Then when we got in my car. It was on. All talk. I love the girl, more then I love anybody else. She is limitless to me, someone who can actually depict me and pull me apart. It scares me letting people who are not definite know me because of the fear or departure. But Taylor, she's got me and it feels damn good finally realizing that. We've had our perks that brought us closer, high school, 5 girls, brother, boys groups but at the end of the day the bottom of the pit. She and me are the rock of something some people don't ever get to experience. I have to lighten up on the fact that people come and go and not everybody is different. But when you find it. Take my advice, don't even let it wander or stray. Keep it close. In a pocket over your heart. awwww.
Take chances, be the change you want to see in the whole world.
I feel like a rope all tangled up for years unraveling, letting my ends fray.
Exactly how I feel.
Now I must paint japanese art and pretend to be a Geisha.
Today I feel so fixed. I talked with Taylor for 4 hours. We went to the mall and ate and shopped. Then when we got in my car. It was on. All talk. I love the girl, more then I love anybody else. She is limitless to me, someone who can actually depict me and pull me apart. It scares me letting people who are not definite know me because of the fear or departure. But Taylor, she's got me and it feels damn good finally realizing that. We've had our perks that brought us closer, high school, 5 girls, brother, boys groups but at the end of the day the bottom of the pit. She and me are the rock of something some people don't ever get to experience. I have to lighten up on the fact that people come and go and not everybody is different. But when you find it. Take my advice, don't even let it wander or stray. Keep it close. In a pocket over your heart. awwww.
Take chances, be the change you want to see in the whole world.
I feel like a rope all tangled up for years unraveling, letting my ends fray.
Exactly how I feel.
Now I must paint japanese art and pretend to be a Geisha.
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