Today was different. I kind of felt different. I got confronted by a friend. Finally seemed to be fed up with my lack of going through with something. I get to comfortable. And I am spontaneous. But I am more spontaneous with new things, new people. When I am with the same people, I tend to like to stay inside my lines. I am a room person too. When my room is neat, I stay in here for hours with a new record playing. I draw, paint, start projects that end up being never ending. I can occupy myself for days. Teaching myself guitar has taken up most of my time. It seems that I I feel bad that I can't be this person everybody wants me to be. But I am so tired of people accepting things.
After I saw him, Emily asked to feel my heart. It was racing. This is so silly. So so silly. For two people that have as many crazy things in common to not be on talking terms. But I can't do it anymore. The most self centered person. He only cares about himself, what he is getting out of a situation. In little ways, he does care. But with the big picture what is his motive. If he was in a room with 5 girls and was getting no attention. He'd probably freak out. He needs it from little girls. And when he finally gets a real on, he missed out.I am so tired of explaining what he missed out on. Because it's not me that loss.
I am just trying to figure out this world. I hung out with my give best friends tonight, it makes me remember that happy place. When I am with my friends, it's that time where I feel so content. I don't think about anything else. Because what we all say, I listen. And what I say they listen. Friends are so important and without them a lot going on in my life I wouldn't be sane. At all. I'd probably be hurting myself or ripping my hair out.
So much can be done through technology, that sometimes I forget how the real feelings feel. The way you act without a second to think. The way you react to another statement. I love beginnings. I love new things. I love new guys. Spending endless days with each other. I seem to be an all or nothing kind of girl. It always happens so fast with me. I want to be able to go back to them, each time with each person. And rewind to the favorite parts, and relive those parts once more.
I'm going away for a while, but I'll be back don't try to and follow me. cause I'll try to return as soon as possible. See I'm trying to find my place and it might not be here where I feel safe. See we all make mistakes and run from them, from them with no direction. <3
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Exposed.
To you I may seem so unkind
to me your another figment of my mind
I want to stay inside this kaleidoscope of time
the color you have made me feel aren't real
Giving myself to someone now seems so out
of the question when I am in this state
woooooah wooooah woooooah
I've been so quick to judge my life as tragic
almost missed out on my real life magic
how do I know whats real, or how I cant feel
It's so hard feelings, what you haven't learned to deal
with the things in your past, giving myself closure
so scared I will leave myself in over exposure
locked away, stay a mystery
locked away miss out on tragedy
I want to know what it would be like to actually give to someone
feel things, really feel them. stop hiding in my own past
keep myself from coming lovely and undone
to you, I seem unkind. trust me im a doll when I unwind
but lately I have been missing out on my findddddddddddddd
And So I leave, it all behind, out of this suitcase
that I pack away in, scared to look love in the face
I am AFraid of what it may to me, sweet baby
don't give up on me I think you can be the one to save me
save me
save me
save me
found.
to me your another figment of my mind
I want to stay inside this kaleidoscope of time
the color you have made me feel aren't real
Giving myself to someone now seems so out
of the question when I am in this state
woooooah wooooah woooooah
I've been so quick to judge my life as tragic
almost missed out on my real life magic
how do I know whats real, or how I cant feel
It's so hard feelings, what you haven't learned to deal
with the things in your past, giving myself closure
so scared I will leave myself in over exposure
locked away, stay a mystery
locked away miss out on tragedy
I want to know what it would be like to actually give to someone
feel things, really feel them. stop hiding in my own past
keep myself from coming lovely and undone
to you, I seem unkind. trust me im a doll when I unwind
but lately I have been missing out on my findddddddddddddd
And So I leave, it all behind, out of this suitcase
that I pack away in, scared to look love in the face
I am AFraid of what it may to me, sweet baby
don't give up on me I think you can be the one to save me
save me
save me
save me
found.
Get cape. Wear cape. Fly
So I am going to contradict everything in the message I said before. I think vitamins make me not able to fall asleep. I slept about 6 hours this weekend, and I am wired and only had one cup of coffee today. Maybe it is all in my head. And of course along with the night, brings these crazy thoughts. I am dangerous at night. Well my mind is.
I can't stop avoiding, thinking, talking about how I am really feeling about my birth mother. I have been texting, emailing her. But I won't call her. She told me she loved me, and every since then. I don't know what I am thinking. I can't even really grasp, understand, what I really feel about that. She doesn't know to. I know we had the 9 month connection but I am 18 years old and have never seen this woman. And it's not just some every day meet someone new thing. It is taking a lot out of me. Exhausting my brain. I feel like it's not happening to me though. I feel like it's happening to the me that I see and watch and act. Aka I am not excepting that IT IS HAPPENING TO ME. Me. Woah.
What are we tied to. Work, hobbies, family, money, routine, comfort. I want to lose all ties and run off somewhere with no guidelines. No dates. No time. I want that more then ever right now.
I had a lot of fun with Heather today. I realized what it was like opening up to a new friend so myself. Which is odd to me. I hang out with new people, but that friend friend I have a hard time making. I can be very not accepting sometimes. I like to stick to common ways sometimes. That a lot why I won't make this phone call. Heather reminds me of a friend I have always wanted, been missing ever since I was young.
I used to be best friends with this boy Sam. We would play store and house all the time. we had amazing imaginations. But Heather is like him, easy going, out going, funny, but very opinionated.
It's to early to tell but the beginnings are the best part. When you don't know a person at all. They are this complete new face of life to you. but someone they just became connected to you. By feeling. Through something, a common place, school, friend. Same place, same time. And then you just want to learn about this person because you are someone attracted to another human. I love beginnings. My beginnings never seem to progress anymore. I think I like them to much to let it get to far. I am crazy. Why am I crazy? Because I will always never know. I think I have only met one person who comes close to being equally crazy with me. Different crazy. But he's crazy. Mind is always going.
....libra <3
I can't stop avoiding, thinking, talking about how I am really feeling about my birth mother. I have been texting, emailing her. But I won't call her. She told me she loved me, and every since then. I don't know what I am thinking. I can't even really grasp, understand, what I really feel about that. She doesn't know to. I know we had the 9 month connection but I am 18 years old and have never seen this woman. And it's not just some every day meet someone new thing. It is taking a lot out of me. Exhausting my brain. I feel like it's not happening to me though. I feel like it's happening to the me that I see and watch and act. Aka I am not excepting that IT IS HAPPENING TO ME. Me. Woah.
What are we tied to. Work, hobbies, family, money, routine, comfort. I want to lose all ties and run off somewhere with no guidelines. No dates. No time. I want that more then ever right now.
I had a lot of fun with Heather today. I realized what it was like opening up to a new friend so myself. Which is odd to me. I hang out with new people, but that friend friend I have a hard time making. I can be very not accepting sometimes. I like to stick to common ways sometimes. That a lot why I won't make this phone call. Heather reminds me of a friend I have always wanted, been missing ever since I was young.
I used to be best friends with this boy Sam. We would play store and house all the time. we had amazing imaginations. But Heather is like him, easy going, out going, funny, but very opinionated.
It's to early to tell but the beginnings are the best part. When you don't know a person at all. They are this complete new face of life to you. but someone they just became connected to you. By feeling. Through something, a common place, school, friend. Same place, same time. And then you just want to learn about this person because you are someone attracted to another human. I love beginnings. My beginnings never seem to progress anymore. I think I like them to much to let it get to far. I am crazy. Why am I crazy? Because I will always never know. I think I have only met one person who comes close to being equally crazy with me. Different crazy. But he's crazy. Mind is always going.
....libra <3
Monday, September 28, 2009
A multitude of casualties
Where I end and you begin. I have been feeling so good lately. I have been taking all these vitamins and they really do something to you. Trying to regulate my sleeping habits is helping a bit to, but that is inevitable. I went into the city today, it made me realize how much I am looking forward to living with my half in the city. It will be easy, you know living with your best friend. She works 5 day work weeks, 10 hour days and I will be in school and dancing on weekends. So time together will be limited, but that makes it bettter. Taylor is my sister. I can't consider her a friend. We advice each other soo much and are able to know exactly how the person is feeling when we can play it off so good. It is so important to make that connection with another human being. Life is about making connection and I feel so lucky to have bonded with someone this early.
I think life is all about learning to be okay with yourself. You have to learn how to be okay with yourself. It takes time to learn to accept the things you cannot change. I am slowly learning to be okay with myself. But I don't think I will or any body can ever be fully until at least 30. It could take a lifetime of learning to be okay with yourself. Everybody is so hard on themselves, I am probably harder on myself then I let myself show.
Since I was 6 and started dance. You stare at yourself dance in mirror with 30 other girls. You can't help but compare yourself. And that's where you learn it. You learn compitition. Competition is inbreeded at such a young age that it is so hard to escape. I can for the first time in a long time, say that when I work a dance job, or go to an audition. I work my ass off. I stare in the mirror at myself. i am done comparing. Trying to do that. I have this style of lyrical that is different then most lyrical teachers teach. But it just happens the second the music turns on. I tried years to change it so I wouldn't look out of sort on stage, and that was okay. That was a learning process. I had to, to not be the only ballerina with her hands one way, and not the other way. But now auditioning and choreographing it is all about my style. Just like an artist, to become a sucessful artist or fashion designer you need to have sort of your own style. Obviously the technique is taught, but style is so important.
Just learn to be okay with yourself, accept the things you cannot take. And change insecurities to securities. I'm learning everyday. I feel like I should say REV RUN now. But I won't. (God bless)
I just got very good news about gina. Not only is she going to be an amazing fashion designer she is going to be Americas Next Top Model. You are beautiful. Good luck.
Now clean, paint, sketch, sleep, week of doom.
I love love.
I think life is all about learning to be okay with yourself. You have to learn how to be okay with yourself. It takes time to learn to accept the things you cannot change. I am slowly learning to be okay with myself. But I don't think I will or any body can ever be fully until at least 30. It could take a lifetime of learning to be okay with yourself. Everybody is so hard on themselves, I am probably harder on myself then I let myself show.
Since I was 6 and started dance. You stare at yourself dance in mirror with 30 other girls. You can't help but compare yourself. And that's where you learn it. You learn compitition. Competition is inbreeded at such a young age that it is so hard to escape. I can for the first time in a long time, say that when I work a dance job, or go to an audition. I work my ass off. I stare in the mirror at myself. i am done comparing. Trying to do that. I have this style of lyrical that is different then most lyrical teachers teach. But it just happens the second the music turns on. I tried years to change it so I wouldn't look out of sort on stage, and that was okay. That was a learning process. I had to, to not be the only ballerina with her hands one way, and not the other way. But now auditioning and choreographing it is all about my style. Just like an artist, to become a sucessful artist or fashion designer you need to have sort of your own style. Obviously the technique is taught, but style is so important.
Just learn to be okay with yourself, accept the things you cannot take. And change insecurities to securities. I'm learning everyday. I feel like I should say REV RUN now. But I won't. (God bless)
I just got very good news about gina. Not only is she going to be an amazing fashion designer she is going to be Americas Next Top Model. You are beautiful. Good luck.
Now clean, paint, sketch, sleep, week of doom.
I love love.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
IN motion
I keep running around back for me.
I realized today, I am turning into a hypochondria. Is that possible to turn into one. I don't need it.
I realized today, I am turning into a hypochondria. Is that possible to turn into one. I don't need it.
The games that play us
What a day. Today I felt reinvigorated. Wow. I had a normal day. And it is 1 and I am in bed. How ironic. I will probably lay here until my lap top dies. Then whip out the diary and write in there. And then count sheep. Whenever I wake up the first thing I think about is the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep. Where was my head, do I remember falling asleep. Then I think about my dreams. Where the hell my head was for the past 5 hours. (3 knowing me). Every night same time, on school nights about 1am when I devote an hour to photoshop, my cat always climbs up here and cuddles right on my chest. She reads the time. clocks and all. Amazing chrissy kitty.
We've all got something that won't go away. For me it's this war inside my head about needing to get inside people heads. I feel like I can't hold a conversation with someone without thinking what is going on their head. It is such a bad fucking habit. Because I am not paying so much attention to what they are saying. But what they are thinking. I can't read minds. The only way into a persons thoughts is their words. For me it's my diary. My words are bullshit.
Doesn't it scare the shit out of you, that you will never, can never get inside a persons head. I mean I guess it scares me because I know what goes on in this head. But for real, your head is so your own. I've lied to therapists before for the fun of it, so trust me not even they can get in this flower pot on my head.
You should be ashamed of the hearts you stole.
Your freaking me out. My room is so beautiful and clean I don't want to leave here. 3 most important sayings to me:
1) Do you feel?
2) People always leave
3) Let it be
I believe in make-believe. So won't you believe in you and me.
Tomorrow I am going to my Aunts house to really do something with my funky garage band. I wish I would let people listen to it, to get back feed back. It's like girl version dashboard meets owl city vamped up with a dark twisted Lyn side. I really am digging. It's just something I needed to do. To know I did it. Like mostly everything I dip myself a little bit into different pools of colors and I am this huge rainbow of color and things with no idea which one will sweep me off my feet and consume my life and time. When I do find that thing, it will be awesome because I am such a perfectionist that it needs to be lyn esque.
I am tired. Here is my attempt at sleep and little battery life. Copeland on Saturday I hope I am not working a night party.
Wheres your head?
We've all got something that won't go away. For me it's this war inside my head about needing to get inside people heads. I feel like I can't hold a conversation with someone without thinking what is going on their head. It is such a bad fucking habit. Because I am not paying so much attention to what they are saying. But what they are thinking. I can't read minds. The only way into a persons thoughts is their words. For me it's my diary. My words are bullshit.
Doesn't it scare the shit out of you, that you will never, can never get inside a persons head. I mean I guess it scares me because I know what goes on in this head. But for real, your head is so your own. I've lied to therapists before for the fun of it, so trust me not even they can get in this flower pot on my head.
You should be ashamed of the hearts you stole.
Your freaking me out. My room is so beautiful and clean I don't want to leave here. 3 most important sayings to me:
1) Do you feel?
2) People always leave
3) Let it be
I believe in make-believe. So won't you believe in you and me.
Tomorrow I am going to my Aunts house to really do something with my funky garage band. I wish I would let people listen to it, to get back feed back. It's like girl version dashboard meets owl city vamped up with a dark twisted Lyn side. I really am digging. It's just something I needed to do. To know I did it. Like mostly everything I dip myself a little bit into different pools of colors and I am this huge rainbow of color and things with no idea which one will sweep me off my feet and consume my life and time. When I do find that thing, it will be awesome because I am such a perfectionist that it needs to be lyn esque.
I am tired. Here is my attempt at sleep and little battery life. Copeland on Saturday I hope I am not working a night party.
Wheres your head?
Everyday is a Sunday evening
Mae. Whenever a new Mae CD comes out I tend to fall in love. amazing.
I’ve been dreaming such a long time
And I’ve been waiting for the sunshine
But all my friends they say I’m getting by with sleeping in
They say I’m sleeping in
You know whenever I try I want to get it right
But I distract my focus and blur my own sight
‘Cause I’ve convinced myself that my best can only come in the moonlight
And I keep sleeping in
I keep on sleeping in
And missing something
(Close your eyes before the daylight breaks)
There are things about me I just can’t ignore
I know I want to change and I see that door
On the other side daylight decides there will be war with sleeping in
Oh, I know they’ll be no more sleeping in
I wait, I wait, I wait only in jest
I wait, I wait, I wait with no need to rest I wait
“The day, the day, the day will come again,” I say
A ray of light can only get in if I say
I’ve been putting off this purification a rebirth
and a regeneration inside of me
And I’ve been saying “no” for far too long
even though something brand new is coming out of me
I’m going to wake up, wake up every morning and then decide
I’m going to wake up, wake up every morning and make it mine
Rain or shine
I wake, I wake, I wake and greet the day
The light is on the change is made I can see my way
The day, the day, this day has come again
Each ray of light will make its way into the core of me
I always knew that I was missing something
I know this time that I will leave nothing up to chance
And in the wake of this brand new day I see the light
and I feel the sun and I’ll do it all again tomorrow
I’ve been dreaming such a long time
And I’ve been waiting for the sunshine
But all my friends they say I’m getting by with sleeping in
They say I’m sleeping in
You know whenever I try I want to get it right
But I distract my focus and blur my own sight
‘Cause I’ve convinced myself that my best can only come in the moonlight
And I keep sleeping in
I keep on sleeping in
And missing something
(Close your eyes before the daylight breaks)
There are things about me I just can’t ignore
I know I want to change and I see that door
On the other side daylight decides there will be war with sleeping in
Oh, I know they’ll be no more sleeping in
I wait, I wait, I wait only in jest
I wait, I wait, I wait with no need to rest I wait
“The day, the day, the day will come again,” I say
A ray of light can only get in if I say
I’ve been putting off this purification a rebirth
and a regeneration inside of me
And I’ve been saying “no” for far too long
even though something brand new is coming out of me
I’m going to wake up, wake up every morning and then decide
I’m going to wake up, wake up every morning and make it mine
Rain or shine
I wake, I wake, I wake and greet the day
The light is on the change is made I can see my way
The day, the day, this day has come again
Each ray of light will make its way into the core of me
I always knew that I was missing something
I know this time that I will leave nothing up to chance
And in the wake of this brand new day I see the light
and I feel the sun and I’ll do it all again tomorrow
The tide that left and never came back
I always find myself getting caught up and catching up boys with ex girlfriend issues. They are always the ones I fall for too. I think I like this competition It is a turn on. I am sick person. Stop comparing me, filling the void. I am not her, I am someone else.
But I like him....
here we go again
But I like him....
here we go again
Bad body double
My pen is the barrel of my gun, remind me which side you should be on.
I am sweaty. Tired. Just danced my ass off.
Now to grandmothers house I go..
Just thinking, what are we connected to. We are all part of this crazy system. I just started taking vitamins again. I was wondering why I never took them, when there just a pill that make your nails, hair and teeth better. All in one. Magical little pill. I feel like I used to believe they were the worlds/government/secret agency way of drugging us. I used to have that HUGE fear when I was 14/15. that I was growing up in this society that plans everything. Then again I still think I am on the Truman Show. Young and naive and persuaded easy by some freak movie I watched on the SciFi channel a while ago, but it always stuck with me. The other day in english class we were talking about the novel Mystic River, great book, seeing the movie next class. Sean Penn<3. And we were talking about drugging and some man in my class, who was in the military said that while in the military they gave him (everybody) these shots, that they didn't really know what they were. But they think it was a drug that stopped men from feeling sexual/horny. How crazy is that.
Food for brain.
I am sweaty. Tired. Just danced my ass off.
Now to grandmothers house I go..
Just thinking, what are we connected to. We are all part of this crazy system. I just started taking vitamins again. I was wondering why I never took them, when there just a pill that make your nails, hair and teeth better. All in one. Magical little pill. I feel like I used to believe they were the worlds/government/secret agency way of drugging us. I used to have that HUGE fear when I was 14/15. that I was growing up in this society that plans everything. Then again I still think I am on the Truman Show. Young and naive and persuaded easy by some freak movie I watched on the SciFi channel a while ago, but it always stuck with me. The other day in english class we were talking about the novel Mystic River, great book, seeing the movie next class. Sean Penn<3. And we were talking about drugging and some man in my class, who was in the military said that while in the military they gave him (everybody) these shots, that they didn't really know what they were. But they think it was a drug that stopped men from feeling sexual/horny. How crazy is that.
Food for brain.
Coffee shop soundtrack
I can't get out of my bed. I wish someone would bring me breakfast in bread. This rain is ridiculing the productivity I wanted of this morning before I go to dance. But instead I'm writing. At least not completely useless.
I am your common girl. Common, dancer, cheerleader, boy crazy, painter, silly, 6 girls, kind of girl. I am simple. But what I feel inside my head and what I want out of this world isn't simple. The places I want to bring myself are out of this world. I have this tendency to push myself a little further then I can but I can't help it. I feel so much more capable of what I do...
So this is my ambition list..
Next year.
-Buffalo to meet her family after she comes here
-Make back up dancer for Selene Gomez; Demi Lovato, Emily Osment. Somehow get myself into disney. $$ there.
-Tour possibly
-Graduate from NCC in June with Associates in Art Ed
-Go to four year university in NYC or California.
-Speech Mythology major. Art minor.
-California residency
-Complete my 104th diary. Pathetic.
-Publish a book of short stories.
-Go to Israel with leon because it's free and I am dumb for not taking advantage.
-6 girls, trip to Aruba because we live once.
-Get into ballerina shape 110.. join a ballet.
-Teach underprivileged kid the gift of dance :)
-Put together a benefit concert. For kids with AIDS. Include bands, dancers, singers, talents. Raise money. A lot of $.
-Find serenity within myself. Be at peace with this conflict stirring always in my left side of my body. weird.
-Tell one person nothing but the truth.
I am ghandi. Hhahhahah. fuck. All me now, I'm running on empty but I have to fill myself up start today. get up now, bank, dance, meetings with Broadway people. Make a big footprint in this world. Find a peace within myself. Give someone everything I have. I've been yearning for a best friend. I miss Mike sometimes. We were inseparable and he always pushed me to do these things. Because he really believed in me. I didn't believe in him enough. I wish I didn't hurt him, he'll never know because I'll never know how much I really loved him, I was just in a bad spot. The end of our relationship I pretended he didn't exist. The sex turned into rowdy, I just want to sounds so repulsive but it's how it was. I just wanted to FUCK. I was insecure with distance, him being so far away from me. I always said People Always Leave .. I just didn't realize I was in that 'People' category. Know that when I look back on diary entries of that summer we spent together. I was in love. The adventures to the new parks. Where you would ride and feel alive. I'd take pictures and write under trees. I always left with chachkas, things I found. There all in a box now. Stored for safe keeping. The box smells like you. The nights on the beaches, they were in your backyard. The early mornings, 5am of boats. Smell of fishes. Your dad and me talking all day while you sat on the front of the boat. Your head filled with fear that exactly what happen,.. would happen. You knew me so well. I didn't give you enough credit. I am so happy you are happy right now. With someone who I think is capable of more love then I was able to give you. She's beautiful and take only the best from her. I think about you all the time but I know not to hurt again.
~Star
I am your common girl. Common, dancer, cheerleader, boy crazy, painter, silly, 6 girls, kind of girl. I am simple. But what I feel inside my head and what I want out of this world isn't simple. The places I want to bring myself are out of this world. I have this tendency to push myself a little further then I can but I can't help it. I feel so much more capable of what I do...
So this is my ambition list..
Next year.
-Buffalo to meet her family after she comes here
-Make back up dancer for Selene Gomez; Demi Lovato, Emily Osment. Somehow get myself into disney. $$ there.
-Tour possibly
-Graduate from NCC in June with Associates in Art Ed
-Go to four year university in NYC or California.
-Speech Mythology major. Art minor.
-California residency
-Complete my 104th diary. Pathetic.
-Publish a book of short stories.
-Go to Israel with leon because it's free and I am dumb for not taking advantage.
-6 girls, trip to Aruba because we live once.
-Get into ballerina shape 110.. join a ballet.
-Teach underprivileged kid the gift of dance :)
-Put together a benefit concert. For kids with AIDS. Include bands, dancers, singers, talents. Raise money. A lot of $.
-Find serenity within myself. Be at peace with this conflict stirring always in my left side of my body. weird.
-Tell one person nothing but the truth.
I am ghandi. Hhahhahah. fuck. All me now, I'm running on empty but I have to fill myself up start today. get up now, bank, dance, meetings with Broadway people. Make a big footprint in this world. Find a peace within myself. Give someone everything I have. I've been yearning for a best friend. I miss Mike sometimes. We were inseparable and he always pushed me to do these things. Because he really believed in me. I didn't believe in him enough. I wish I didn't hurt him, he'll never know because I'll never know how much I really loved him, I was just in a bad spot. The end of our relationship I pretended he didn't exist. The sex turned into rowdy, I just want to sounds so repulsive but it's how it was. I just wanted to FUCK. I was insecure with distance, him being so far away from me. I always said People Always Leave .. I just didn't realize I was in that 'People' category. Know that when I look back on diary entries of that summer we spent together. I was in love. The adventures to the new parks. Where you would ride and feel alive. I'd take pictures and write under trees. I always left with chachkas, things I found. There all in a box now. Stored for safe keeping. The box smells like you. The nights on the beaches, they were in your backyard. The early mornings, 5am of boats. Smell of fishes. Your dad and me talking all day while you sat on the front of the boat. Your head filled with fear that exactly what happen,.. would happen. You knew me so well. I didn't give you enough credit. I am so happy you are happy right now. With someone who I think is capable of more love then I was able to give you. She's beautiful and take only the best from her. I think about you all the time but I know not to hurt again.
~Star
Happiness is a warm gun
You know why I fucked it all up. I fucked it all up because I could never really tell if I was the rule or the exception. I wanted to bad to be the exception. To be barring. The thing that changed your ways. Remedy to broken heart flu. Why. Because you gave that to me. When I met you I was so out of the loop. I was on a breaking heart rampage. I felt like a vampire, sucking blood. I'd meet someone, fall head over heels. Go into it way to hard. All their great qualities would shine. I'd dig for something bad. Once I found it, I would hold onto it until I drove myself away so hard. Never any explanations. I would stop showing up if it was in groups of friends, I would stop answering, I would stop. Cold turkey. Suck the blood, leave it alone. Then I met you, and at first I didn't want anything to do with you. I didn't see anything even worth sucking. (hah dirty). But then he got all emotional, told me I had IT. And I saw him play, 2 weeks later. And I have seen a lot of bands. A lot of singers. But I have never wanted to have sex with somebody as much as after that happened. It was a brain connection, that triggered this chemical to want it. It took over my body, made me weak in the knees. I just met this kid, I wait months. This was a whole new ball game. Anxiety drew me in, Wanted to heal this fast heart. I'm sure I did. For the moment. I'm sure the 10 girls after me, you said healed you too. In a room. In that room. That room drags you in sucks you up and spits you out. I've never liked a room as much as mine, and that plain room did it for me. I loved that room. But then again I loved that boy. Another boy, another heart break. Resulted in artistic breakdown. I gave it all for weeks into my art work, I've never pushed myself so hard in dance. I truly was in a bad place after this ended ended. The day he started dated this blonde. Who I saw last night at a bar making out with someone new, and I thought fuck. MY heart is too fucked up to be normal. It's all in my head what we had. My head. To you I was a ploy, a way to get over your insecurities and I was just good. then. And to gay me. You were a shooting star. A breakthrough in my books. I think to much and I am thinking too much now.
It's a fight between my heart and mind.
It is raining. Makes me not want to get out of bed. When it rains I always remember this time I woke up on a Tuesday or Wednesday, 5th grade. It was raining so hard out. Dark, you have to look at the time to know it is 8 am and you should get up for school. My daddy snuck into my room at about 8:15 and told me to get up come eat some breakfast, tell mommy I'm not that hungry though. She'd leave at 8:30-8:45 then we'd go to Ihop and get smiley face pancakes and sausage links. Then we'd come home and watch Big comfy couch in my dads big comfy bed. Those days were the best days of my life. My dad was a superstar in my eyes. To this day he still is a god damn super star. I would spend every day with him. Running errands to Music Emporium, spend hours talking to men, looking at rack after rack of endless guitars. Banks, and amp supply stores. Offices where the secretaries knew my name and gave me the best gum balls ever. I need to go bear hug my dad.
It's a fight between my heart and mind.
It is raining. Makes me not want to get out of bed. When it rains I always remember this time I woke up on a Tuesday or Wednesday, 5th grade. It was raining so hard out. Dark, you have to look at the time to know it is 8 am and you should get up for school. My daddy snuck into my room at about 8:15 and told me to get up come eat some breakfast, tell mommy I'm not that hungry though. She'd leave at 8:30-8:45 then we'd go to Ihop and get smiley face pancakes and sausage links. Then we'd come home and watch Big comfy couch in my dads big comfy bed. Those days were the best days of my life. My dad was a superstar in my eyes. To this day he still is a god damn super star. I would spend every day with him. Running errands to Music Emporium, spend hours talking to men, looking at rack after rack of endless guitars. Banks, and amp supply stores. Offices where the secretaries knew my name and gave me the best gum balls ever. I need to go bear hug my dad.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
I fell asleep with X's on both my hands. Now one is on my left cheek. (buttttttt cheeeeeeek). No Cheek. Face cheek. And I have to be at dance rehearsal in three hours and no intention of going to scrub this. I will go sweat it off. So happy I am finally part of a team. Competition on a Sunday. Yes. I had a great time last night, and got the perfect text message this morning. Saying "I know you are but what am I" ahhaha. after I left him with him asking me what I think of his goodbye skills and I said cute. So 8 hours later I am still on his mind.................................... fuck. I need to run away. To my upstate house. Next weekend. Forget bar mitzvahs. Mazel tov. I want to go hang out with grandma and bake some crumb cake with her and her to tell me stories about what she was young and had to sew all her jewelry to the inside of her jackets because the Nazi's wouldn't let her come with any silver or gold. My grandma is fighter. My mom is a fighter. In 50 years from now, if I am still here. Now I am thinking about death (ugh). I will let you know if I am a fighter. Where does hate from. Is it grown inside of you, to automatically have hate inside of you. To feel such strong disposition inside of you, that you are willing to go places, extremely bad places to fulfill this glitch you have in your brain. I am not against glitches i have so many glitches in my brain. But what is this inhuman glitch that makes it ok to hurt innocent people.
My brothers are both safely in there room. First time in a long time I woke up with a clear head. I feel blank. Blank canvas. Ready to be filled in, completed, and satisfied. I stayed up until 6 am painting my walls as if they were me. me a white sheet of paper and now I have gardens on me, with words of Bob Dylan. I needed to go get my leotard on. go team go.
19th birthday. Last teenage birthday. I liked being 18. 18 was a good year. Last birthday I was with you. I had such a nice birthday. Such an unfortunate death occurred right before. But we all know, he wanted us to celebrate his life, his existence, his footprint in dreams, and that we did. And this year as I pass one year until I lost him. I love him more than he will every feel.
People always leave.
Bad subject to start this day eyyyyyy.
My brothers are both safely in there room. First time in a long time I woke up with a clear head. I feel blank. Blank canvas. Ready to be filled in, completed, and satisfied. I stayed up until 6 am painting my walls as if they were me. me a white sheet of paper and now I have gardens on me, with words of Bob Dylan. I needed to go get my leotard on. go team go.
19th birthday. Last teenage birthday. I liked being 18. 18 was a good year. Last birthday I was with you. I had such a nice birthday. Such an unfortunate death occurred right before. But we all know, he wanted us to celebrate his life, his existence, his footprint in dreams, and that we did. And this year as I pass one year until I lost him. I love him more than he will every feel.
People always leave.
Bad subject to start this day eyyyyyy.
High life scenery
Do you feel?
I ask myself that question 10x a day. at most.
I don't kiss. i don't like to kiss. Right when I meet someone a kiss is kind of not expected for me. I feel like it's not right. So when someone tries to kiss me right away. I kind of get turned off. I think it is kind of a respect issue. But then again, I am such an easy turner offer. I dislike men that can't spell. Give me a break. I wish I can help it but I can't. I like people that like their own kind of music. I don't care if you like country or hardcore. If it triggers something inside of you and makes you feel viable then so be it. Like what you want. You can't chose what you want. It is in generate. Without it you are morose.
I have two big X's on my hand and they smell like sharpie. I don't know why but it is bothering me.
Is it better to know someone is there, or not know someone is there.
I think about him all the time. Why. I was an amity but now I am insignificant. It makes me wonder how easy people are. How in and out of it people can fall. Easy hearts are a turn off. But then again, I am a living easy heart. If you have it all, you can win my heart over. I wonder sometimes about what I was thinking about in past situations/relationships and wonder, hope that I will look back on this and think, what was I thinking.
It is 230 am. I will admit I am drunk. Not usual Lyn wine drunk, beer and heavy liquor drunk and I am not going to sleep soon. I just extremely cleaned my room today. So for the first time in about 12 nights, I am going to sleep in my own bed. Since my birth mother contacted me I haven't slept out of the den or my moms room. I am five years old. But when I sleep in my room, messy or clean. I tend to stay up all night. On this device or writing until my hand falls off. But tonight I want to paint. This new sitting area I made for myself. With floor pillows and pictures of The Beatles and fairies and stars all around me. And it needs a good panting on the empty wall so tonight that is my mission.
Someone can say they love you and not mean it, don't say it. I am sorry for hurting you still, but maybe I didn't mean it. And the fact that I didn't mean it then.. means that the new him doesn't mean it. Karma. It keeps coming back to me.
Yesterday everybody was doing things for me. My company girl got me in with a new company and now I have doubles every weekend until christmas. And a older girl in Speech mythology gave me all over her old text books, and reports for the phonetics class I am taking. Saved. I owe it tomorrow to give back to someone. Because I believe once the energy is put out there and received it comes right back to you. I put the energy out there 3 months ago registering for my birth mother and 3 mothers later without any recognition of the trials I put out there, she found me. I believe in all of that.
So Mr. that means, what you did to me and how you played my heart. Will come right back to haunt you. And as much as I hope that it will lead you back to me, I know that I really subconsciously am wishing it never comes back to me. because I have had enough of fake, easy hearts. Mine at least is a real, easy heart. God dammit. I need a real slap in the face. A REAL real slap in the face. I need to paint.
I ask myself that question 10x a day. at most.
I don't kiss. i don't like to kiss. Right when I meet someone a kiss is kind of not expected for me. I feel like it's not right. So when someone tries to kiss me right away. I kind of get turned off. I think it is kind of a respect issue. But then again, I am such an easy turner offer. I dislike men that can't spell. Give me a break. I wish I can help it but I can't. I like people that like their own kind of music. I don't care if you like country or hardcore. If it triggers something inside of you and makes you feel viable then so be it. Like what you want. You can't chose what you want. It is in generate. Without it you are morose.
I have two big X's on my hand and they smell like sharpie. I don't know why but it is bothering me.
Is it better to know someone is there, or not know someone is there.
I think about him all the time. Why. I was an amity but now I am insignificant. It makes me wonder how easy people are. How in and out of it people can fall. Easy hearts are a turn off. But then again, I am a living easy heart. If you have it all, you can win my heart over. I wonder sometimes about what I was thinking about in past situations/relationships and wonder, hope that I will look back on this and think, what was I thinking.
It is 230 am. I will admit I am drunk. Not usual Lyn wine drunk, beer and heavy liquor drunk and I am not going to sleep soon. I just extremely cleaned my room today. So for the first time in about 12 nights, I am going to sleep in my own bed. Since my birth mother contacted me I haven't slept out of the den or my moms room. I am five years old. But when I sleep in my room, messy or clean. I tend to stay up all night. On this device or writing until my hand falls off. But tonight I want to paint. This new sitting area I made for myself. With floor pillows and pictures of The Beatles and fairies and stars all around me. And it needs a good panting on the empty wall so tonight that is my mission.
Someone can say they love you and not mean it, don't say it. I am sorry for hurting you still, but maybe I didn't mean it. And the fact that I didn't mean it then.. means that the new him doesn't mean it. Karma. It keeps coming back to me.
Yesterday everybody was doing things for me. My company girl got me in with a new company and now I have doubles every weekend until christmas. And a older girl in Speech mythology gave me all over her old text books, and reports for the phonetics class I am taking. Saved. I owe it tomorrow to give back to someone. Because I believe once the energy is put out there and received it comes right back to you. I put the energy out there 3 months ago registering for my birth mother and 3 mothers later without any recognition of the trials I put out there, she found me. I believe in all of that.
So Mr. that means, what you did to me and how you played my heart. Will come right back to haunt you. And as much as I hope that it will lead you back to me, I know that I really subconsciously am wishing it never comes back to me. because I have had enough of fake, easy hearts. Mine at least is a real, easy heart. God dammit. I need a real slap in the face. A REAL real slap in the face. I need to paint.
Friday, September 25, 2009
A most peculiar man
It is fall my favorite season, the season of leaves and wind and feelings. The seasons of birthday. The season my parents got married in. Warm days and chilly nights where you cuddle and windows open while you sleep and wake to the birds and the wind coming through your window. I like being woken up my nature. It's natural. How it should be, how it would be everyday. If I had my way out in a tent in the woods.
I saw the movie pandonium. and if you want to see it don't keep reading this. S T O P. But it got me thinking, we could be somewhere we don't expect it. Like the whole time their ship was in the middle of the ocean while they thought they were floating out in space. We could be the size of bugs compared to the people watching us as a game, for pleasure. Ever think of that? Food for thought.
No updates on the adoption. Just confusion for the past week. A week, only one week and I feel like this is a permanent, has been consistent part of my life. Confusion. Where I draw the line between holding on and letting go. I wonder what she wants, what she thinks. If she'll remember my birthday. She's going to come here. What is she going to look like. What will we talk about. You think, you'd have endless conversation with a woman who gave birth to you; but what would you really talk about? No small talk. I must say first. haha this boy used to tell me to say that right away when I got in the car for a long drive. I say it all the time now when I am preparing for a situation where it will be the simple where do you go to school, It hasn't rained in days, did you hear what kayne said on the grammys. No I'm more of a life conversationalist. But they again he stopped talking to me because I am too deep. Go figure. I wonder sometimes if I am. Too deep. Because when I am in a room full of people I think that I am thinking 100002023 racing thoughts that are different then everybody else's in the room. I don't think about outfits or who looks good or what guy am I going to go home with. I am such an analyzer. I think why that person is making that face, what is she thinking, who is she thinking about too. I think about the family life that person has. Try to read people on the small information I get by just seeing them interact.
He did it again. And again. and again. But this time we sent him away. For 3 days, lived out of his. It broke my heart. I couldn't ever get him out of my head. Cried myself to sleep a few times when he wouldn't answer any of our phonecalls. Just thinking that the next siren I heard was for him. Because he took to many and fucked up. Or drove on them. My mom said I'd have to be prepared and for the first time in my life I wanted to slap her across the face. She was doing the right thing though. He couldn't be here anymore. Passive. If someone keeps doing something you don't want them to do, you have to change something.
Lately I'm alright. And lately I'm okay. I think I've figured out, what you do to me feels like I'm floating on air.
College, when school comes around I snap right out of summer mode and right back into, I can survive on 4 hours of sleep a day, intense dance rehearsals 2 times a week and classes 5 times a day. I find myself doing homework at the most odd of times. Working my weekends away. But it's okay because my company becomes my life now. All weekend, party after party. Then we always go out for sushi and drinks even though we all work an early party on sunday too. But making work play, while the job is already play. You can't get better than that:).
When I fall, I fall hard. But lately I have been falling and falling. Falling easy which is weird because usually I have freakishly weird expectations. (not dirty, sounded dirty). It's comfortable to have a lot. Because usually I am so wrapped up in one. And for the first time, I don't want to fix any of these. I think they probably want to fix me. But there's nothing wrong. They are head straightened, ambitious, funny, sensitive, off the surface people. I like that. I like this. I like it lately.
Then there's... everything else in a jumble.
Now.. I feel like I am not doing anything.
I need to go do something.
Write, garage band, probably watch Vampire Diaries
Because I am a vampire
Obviously
Do you feel?
I saw the movie pandonium. and if you want to see it don't keep reading this. S T O P. But it got me thinking, we could be somewhere we don't expect it. Like the whole time their ship was in the middle of the ocean while they thought they were floating out in space. We could be the size of bugs compared to the people watching us as a game, for pleasure. Ever think of that? Food for thought.
No updates on the adoption. Just confusion for the past week. A week, only one week and I feel like this is a permanent, has been consistent part of my life. Confusion. Where I draw the line between holding on and letting go. I wonder what she wants, what she thinks. If she'll remember my birthday. She's going to come here. What is she going to look like. What will we talk about. You think, you'd have endless conversation with a woman who gave birth to you; but what would you really talk about? No small talk. I must say first. haha this boy used to tell me to say that right away when I got in the car for a long drive. I say it all the time now when I am preparing for a situation where it will be the simple where do you go to school, It hasn't rained in days, did you hear what kayne said on the grammys. No I'm more of a life conversationalist. But they again he stopped talking to me because I am too deep. Go figure. I wonder sometimes if I am. Too deep. Because when I am in a room full of people I think that I am thinking 100002023 racing thoughts that are different then everybody else's in the room. I don't think about outfits or who looks good or what guy am I going to go home with. I am such an analyzer. I think why that person is making that face, what is she thinking, who is she thinking about too. I think about the family life that person has. Try to read people on the small information I get by just seeing them interact.
He did it again. And again. and again. But this time we sent him away. For 3 days, lived out of his. It broke my heart. I couldn't ever get him out of my head. Cried myself to sleep a few times when he wouldn't answer any of our phonecalls. Just thinking that the next siren I heard was for him. Because he took to many and fucked up. Or drove on them. My mom said I'd have to be prepared and for the first time in my life I wanted to slap her across the face. She was doing the right thing though. He couldn't be here anymore. Passive. If someone keeps doing something you don't want them to do, you have to change something.
Lately I'm alright. And lately I'm okay. I think I've figured out, what you do to me feels like I'm floating on air.
College, when school comes around I snap right out of summer mode and right back into, I can survive on 4 hours of sleep a day, intense dance rehearsals 2 times a week and classes 5 times a day. I find myself doing homework at the most odd of times. Working my weekends away. But it's okay because my company becomes my life now. All weekend, party after party. Then we always go out for sushi and drinks even though we all work an early party on sunday too. But making work play, while the job is already play. You can't get better than that:).
When I fall, I fall hard. But lately I have been falling and falling. Falling easy which is weird because usually I have freakishly weird expectations. (not dirty, sounded dirty). It's comfortable to have a lot. Because usually I am so wrapped up in one. And for the first time, I don't want to fix any of these. I think they probably want to fix me. But there's nothing wrong. They are head straightened, ambitious, funny, sensitive, off the surface people. I like that. I like this. I like it lately.
Then there's... everything else in a jumble.
Now.. I feel like I am not doing anything.
I need to go do something.
Write, garage band, probably watch Vampire Diaries
Because I am a vampire
Obviously
Do you feel?
Sunday, September 20, 2009
We're all on the same page
Anxious.
Since Tuesday I haven't felt all real. I feel like everything that is happening to me I am pretending it's happening to a person other then me. Attached to me. Next to me. The person inside my head. I'm having trouble accepting anything. What is the word acceptation to you anyway. How do you accept things. I am thinking there are stages of accepting. And I am at the first stage. Shock. I need time after the shock wears off to decide what I want with my own blood. I know you can't get in peoples head. But what is inside the head of the woman who had a baby and 19 years later, wants to see that baby. I've never felt abandonment, and because I've never felt that is it necessary to go make things more complicated. I am a curious mover. I tend to do things in my life out of pure curiosity. But where will my curiosity lead me in a situation like this. I am settled. Living. What does she want from me. It is simple, a relationship with something she says she's thought about everyday for 19 years. I am filled with feeling like I am owing people things. I need to be selfish in this situation are really figure out what it is that I want now and out of this.
I don't want to upset my mother. I could only imagine the fear she has, if she is thinking of the worst. She shouldn't be thinking of the worst, because I have my head on straight and I see what it is. What a parent is. No matter what happens, where this new thing goes she is the woman who showed me how to live my life. I owe all of me to her because she was there every morning and night. I just don't know anybodies intentions, not even my own. I have never felt so confused in my god damn life, my head is always in this and no where else.
Tired. Physically and mentally.
Goodnight*
Since Tuesday I haven't felt all real. I feel like everything that is happening to me I am pretending it's happening to a person other then me. Attached to me. Next to me. The person inside my head. I'm having trouble accepting anything. What is the word acceptation to you anyway. How do you accept things. I am thinking there are stages of accepting. And I am at the first stage. Shock. I need time after the shock wears off to decide what I want with my own blood. I know you can't get in peoples head. But what is inside the head of the woman who had a baby and 19 years later, wants to see that baby. I've never felt abandonment, and because I've never felt that is it necessary to go make things more complicated. I am a curious mover. I tend to do things in my life out of pure curiosity. But where will my curiosity lead me in a situation like this. I am settled. Living. What does she want from me. It is simple, a relationship with something she says she's thought about everyday for 19 years. I am filled with feeling like I am owing people things. I need to be selfish in this situation are really figure out what it is that I want now and out of this.
I don't want to upset my mother. I could only imagine the fear she has, if she is thinking of the worst. She shouldn't be thinking of the worst, because I have my head on straight and I see what it is. What a parent is. No matter what happens, where this new thing goes she is the woman who showed me how to live my life. I owe all of me to her because she was there every morning and night. I just don't know anybodies intentions, not even my own. I have never felt so confused in my god damn life, my head is always in this and no where else.
Tired. Physically and mentally.
Goodnight*
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Dignified exit society
360'd. Last night I got the email that was anticipated my whole life. I've replayed this moment hundreds of times in my life, acting out my first words, my first thoughts. When something so awaited finally happens it always pans out so unexpected. But thats what life is twists and turns that are so unexpected you don't know where they start or end. Earlier in the day, I accepted 2 friends that I had no idea who they were, but I usually accept everyone. assuming they are bar and bat mitzvah kids. Later one I opened the facebook message. Just like any other, another invitation to an event I will rsvp "yes" to and never show. haha. But this one was from that girl earlier. A girl named taylor. My first thoughts were taylor finally got a facebook. But this girl was younger. I read it at 130am. It was like reading a poem that was written in a Jodi Picoult book. I read it very slow and mumbling. It said everything I doubted it would say. It was my half blood sister. Saying my birth mother thinks about me everyday and they both hope I want something to do with them.
Recently I have been looking, but like everything I start, I get slightly sidetracked if it doesn't come easy. I never thought facebook would be the way I would meet this woman. But I guess nowadays that should have been pretty assumed. I ran into my mothers room. Shaking. I've never felt anything close to what I felt last night. I asked if my Birth mothers last name was the same as this girls. My mom said, looked at me with a look I've never seen her give me all 19 years of my life. I shut the light off and melted to the floor. Crying hysterically thinking how now that this has happened, I can't undo it. I looked at this little girls pictures, a girl that was blood related to me. Someone I have never looked at before. I have never been anywhere near anybody blood related before. Except for the day I was born obviously. This girl looked like me. My thoughts were racing. I had to go tell my brothers. After my mom asked a million questions about what I was going to do, I thought i'd sleep on it before answering. If I could sleep... I went downstairs to share this unrealistic situation with my brothers.
Then she IMed me. Via facebook. She was online at 2 in the morning. I knew that she was up because she couldn't sleep. Finding out your mother had a child and gave her away must be pretty hard to accept too. I didn't know if I should answer what would I say. I answered. My birth mother was next to this girl. What was going through her mind. What did my birth mother look like if my half sisters looks so similar to me.
After 4 hours of questions, and explanations. I simply feel. I don't feel anything. I just FEEL. Feeling is so rare for me. To feel something so indescribable.
Something that I have always thought about, crossed my mind at least once a day. Was here. Right here in the tip of my fingers. Knowing that there were two people up, wondering just as much about me as I was them, was so... strange.
I still don't know where I want to go from here.
But this is the start of something new and unknown
I can say I'm not scared, because I'm terrified.
Of how I will feel, act, think, desire, satisfy,
Now that it's there I'm sure my curiosity will kick in,
But for the first time I want to soak everything in before I jump into something.
I tend to jump into something without protecting myself
I need protection.
Found.
Recently I have been looking, but like everything I start, I get slightly sidetracked if it doesn't come easy. I never thought facebook would be the way I would meet this woman. But I guess nowadays that should have been pretty assumed. I ran into my mothers room. Shaking. I've never felt anything close to what I felt last night. I asked if my Birth mothers last name was the same as this girls. My mom said, looked at me with a look I've never seen her give me all 19 years of my life. I shut the light off and melted to the floor. Crying hysterically thinking how now that this has happened, I can't undo it. I looked at this little girls pictures, a girl that was blood related to me. Someone I have never looked at before. I have never been anywhere near anybody blood related before. Except for the day I was born obviously. This girl looked like me. My thoughts were racing. I had to go tell my brothers. After my mom asked a million questions about what I was going to do, I thought i'd sleep on it before answering. If I could sleep... I went downstairs to share this unrealistic situation with my brothers.
Then she IMed me. Via facebook. She was online at 2 in the morning. I knew that she was up because she couldn't sleep. Finding out your mother had a child and gave her away must be pretty hard to accept too. I didn't know if I should answer what would I say. I answered. My birth mother was next to this girl. What was going through her mind. What did my birth mother look like if my half sisters looks so similar to me.
After 4 hours of questions, and explanations. I simply feel. I don't feel anything. I just FEEL. Feeling is so rare for me. To feel something so indescribable.
Something that I have always thought about, crossed my mind at least once a day. Was here. Right here in the tip of my fingers. Knowing that there were two people up, wondering just as much about me as I was them, was so... strange.
I still don't know where I want to go from here.
But this is the start of something new and unknown
I can say I'm not scared, because I'm terrified.
Of how I will feel, act, think, desire, satisfy,
Now that it's there I'm sure my curiosity will kick in,
But for the first time I want to soak everything in before I jump into something.
I tend to jump into something without protecting myself
I need protection.
Found.
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