Real life winded

I am sitting in a dark dark room. I was filled with music, drinks, friends and family tonight. And it was enough for me. I was content and fulfilled. I wasn't thinking about my head being different or me feeling unwanted and misplaced. It was all so overwhelming that I felt completely just numb to everything except her voice. My eyes are closing as a I type this, I want to sleep. I haven't slept in days, no over exaggeration there. I get my work done before midnight but then I find myself wanted to design, sync my ipod, video chat with people across the world. and sleep doesn't come along until 5am. I realized my insomnia, isn't real anymore. When I was a child it was so apparent. I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried. Now all it is, is racing thoughts, racing mind, and the avoidance of sleep. Like now. I am so tired, and have an 8am painting2 class. But I am typing to my blog instead of letting these tired eyes win.

After a feel good night, recently it always has to come to an apparent stop. I get home, his cars not here. He ditched his 2 friends, and his meeting ended at 930. Where are you and what are you doing. I stood up for him so much at the dinner table today, saying my mother was wrong for telling other family members even though I understood how alone she felt and how she needed outside support. But you are now keeping everybody in this house awake. When you were away, we knew you were safe. Now your another lost soul in your car doing things unheard of. I fucking miss Greg, 17 years old. Following music, following girls, laughing, belly laughing. The other day it hit me, when you were 17 I thought you were the coolest kid in school. I thought everything about you was perfect. I watched you get on the bus every morning, go right to the back. Come home I would lay under your door and listen to you play for house until 3 am. I miss when this family was tied together by love and enjoyment in each other company. Now we are bound together by support of missing pieces and worry in this game of life.
I wish I had child issues to worry about. School projects seem to be the least of my worries. I remember I used to worry about what outfit I was wearing for elementary school the next day. I would go to sleep early morning, being so quiet so my mother wouldn't hear me. I would tip toe around trying on different clothes, day dreaming about seeing my 5 year elementary school boyfriend Kevin and pretend make out on my hand. Even though I lacked my first kiss until 7th grade? I avoided boys in middle school. I slept in my clothes so when my daddy would wake me up I would just run a comb through my hair and be able to spend time with him in the morning before school. When I was younger younger, half days of kindergarden my dad being a weekend musician. I went everywhere with him. Remember when you just went without complaining. You just had to go to music stores to get amps fixed, banks to pay bills, offices where I would be bribed by candy and presents. I was always picking up check and in my dads car. We'd sing the beatles and bob dylan and giggle so much. I was attached to my father, he taught me everything there is to know to a song, an artist.
I miss it when I was a child. I miss it when I was young and innocent.
When I didn't see everything in life I could have, when I just saw what was around me.
Now I lock myself in my room like when I was 16 going through that depressed stage. I stay away from the negativity. I still blast Brand New and Bright eyes so I can't hear a thing but their voices in my head. I flash back to each song reminding me of something so magical and new. 16 friends getting cars at high school. Cutting class to get iced coffees and listening to Conors voice sing about love and feeling. I miss taking the bus home with megan. I miss coming home to an empty house and running to the stereo to dance when no one would see me until 4:15. I miss the schedule of school, home, homework, dinner, mom take me to dance class night. I miss the group of 6 friends who thought we ruled the school, going to senior parties.
I know I love where I am right now. I love where I've been, who I left and what I have proven. But when I come home to a house where everybody is wide eyed at 2am wondering where the missing link is. I remember when the problems used to be that I dyed my hair with sun in at Samantha's without permission from my mother.
I'm frightened for him. I want to know what he's thinking what he's doing, why he's hurting us and himself. I go to these meetings and I see these people and I can't accept that my brotehr is one of them
Start accepting Lyn.
I've always been blind to things really happening to me.


Bright Eyes and Brand New make this all better, every time.