Friday, July 24, 2009
White lines and red lights
I don't let anyone in. I am deep. I am frightened easily. I am a huge observer. I think to much. I don't let any of this get to me. I can't help it. I don't have an off button. So grow up.
Fear of Flying
There are humans out there that just don't see what I see. It's hard to accept that. I work with children with special needs. It is the most challenging, grueling, frustrating job but at the same time it is so rewarding and it is the best high in the world when they finally get it. When you see progress. I live for that. That little click to go off in that little boys head when he can count one more number or when they understand the difference between yesterday and today. I wonder sometimes, why these kids are the way they are. Why were they chosen to have this disorder, they all have a purpose. An obstacle to conquer.
Sometimes there stare is empty. I talk, direct. They don't perceive it at all. It's empty. What is behind those eyes. I want to know. I want to figure it out. I hold the responsibility of being the foundation of these kids lives. Growing time, birth-7. 2-5 especially is when the most developing happens. When habits, routine, consistency is most important. I want to give the kids exactly what they need to improve and go somewhere. I miss Boces.
Sometimes there stare is empty. I talk, direct. They don't perceive it at all. It's empty. What is behind those eyes. I want to know. I want to figure it out. I hold the responsibility of being the foundation of these kids lives. Growing time, birth-7. 2-5 especially is when the most developing happens. When habits, routine, consistency is most important. I want to give the kids exactly what they need to improve and go somewhere. I miss Boces.
Like a river in California
What are we tied to? Who do you belong to? What route are you meant to be put on to follow to gain or lose knowledge. Lately things just spiraled out of control. I can throw my hands up and back off but I need to fix. Fix Fix Fix. I just want him to realize how much he's hurting me and the ones he loved. He is slowly decaying himself off the ship. Into the huge open ocean, allowing no one to give a helping hand. But there is no getting through to someone so stubborn without the medicine throwing him even more off. I am so tired of the lies. Lies that are trapping. I am unable to forget a liar. But what when it's someone so close to you that in a sense you are destined, forced, supposed to love. I just want a reason to believe again. Believe that the people you are conditioned to trust are good people, really are. One who you know so well, you're best friend in a matter of 3 days everything can just go away. Everything worked at for years and years. Suddenly just turned into meaning little to me. What is he to me if he can just deceive me like I am no one. I'll never know if it's you or your medicine. And that I am conditioned to not forget.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Human act trial fake
"All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion and desire." Aristotle
I have reading so much Philosophy recently for my online summer class and I find myself going past the assigned chapter constantly because it makes me think....
This is my brain on this..
Chance: The unknown and unpredictable element in happenings that seems to have no assignable cause. What is the chance that something happens. We all say everything happens for a reason. Or it was meant to be. If it's meant to be it will find it's way. But what is the chance that you are there and I am there at the same time. Or the small world we live in. The chance that you see someone or something that makes you act on it. A force assumed to cause events that cannot be foreseen or controlled. Aka. Luck. Chance is UNCONTROLLED you have no control over the force of chance, it will always lead you to wonder, think and most importantly act. Who is in control of chance.
Nature: There is only one thing in this world that is untouched. Barely. But parts of this world are pure. Untempered with and just let be forever. Nature is the forces and processes that produce and control all the phenomena of the material world. Nature is our leading force behind everything we do. It could be the nature that one grows up in that leads to human actions. It could be the essential characteristics and qualities of a person or thing. It is the center of the fundamental character person. Nature is the pure world, but also the pure person. The natural or real aspect of a person, place, or thing. It leads to human actions because one should always trust there nature.
Compulsion: This is dangerous but it lays inside all of us. Compulsion is an irresistible impulse to act, regardless of the rationality of the motivation. You are glued to your impulse. Some people have control, others don't. But compulsion has the ability to subconsciously make the mind think, wonder, desire. Compulsion leads to actions weather it be uncontrolled impulse or uncontrolled questions.
Habit: A state that one is immune to and programmed to. We are shaped as individuals. To know right from wrong, to have a conscious or not. To feel, to be numb to feeling. Habit is always recurrent, anbd often unconscious. It is a pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition. You are shaped into routine as a human, as a student, as a daughter, as a girlfriend, as a mother, as a wife, as a dancer. Often routine becomes habit. Habit is a lifestyle and human actions often go hand in hand with lifestyle and habit from living.
Reason: We all need a reason to believe. What reason is right or wrong. How do we know the right reason is the right reason. We don't know the future, we don't know the outcome. Reason is often a safe haven or a way out as well. It is a declaration made to explain or justify action, decision, or conviction. It is a normal mental state; sanity. Reason to be sane.
Passion: Passion lies inside all of us. Passion is engulfed by drive. Drive is strong in some and weak in some. Passion is the most powerful of emotions, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger. How various. Passion could be ardent love. Strong strong sexual desire or lust. Boundless enthusiasm. Or even a abandoned display of emotion, especially of anger. Passion sparks need, want and opens up to several others of these causes. If passion is MIA you are not human. One must be passionate to become what he/she was destined/meant to become.
Desire: Most human actions are merely sparked by desire. One wants, one goes and gets. Desire is a wish for or a long for. You act on desire. Some people live for desire. You might deny it, but you're tied to your desires.
I have reading so much Philosophy recently for my online summer class and I find myself going past the assigned chapter constantly because it makes me think....
This is my brain on this..
Chance: The unknown and unpredictable element in happenings that seems to have no assignable cause. What is the chance that something happens. We all say everything happens for a reason. Or it was meant to be. If it's meant to be it will find it's way. But what is the chance that you are there and I am there at the same time. Or the small world we live in. The chance that you see someone or something that makes you act on it. A force assumed to cause events that cannot be foreseen or controlled. Aka. Luck. Chance is UNCONTROLLED you have no control over the force of chance, it will always lead you to wonder, think and most importantly act. Who is in control of chance.
Nature: There is only one thing in this world that is untouched. Barely. But parts of this world are pure. Untempered with and just let be forever. Nature is the forces and processes that produce and control all the phenomena of the material world. Nature is our leading force behind everything we do. It could be the nature that one grows up in that leads to human actions. It could be the essential characteristics and qualities of a person or thing. It is the center of the fundamental character person. Nature is the pure world, but also the pure person. The natural or real aspect of a person, place, or thing. It leads to human actions because one should always trust there nature.
Compulsion: This is dangerous but it lays inside all of us. Compulsion is an irresistible impulse to act, regardless of the rationality of the motivation. You are glued to your impulse. Some people have control, others don't. But compulsion has the ability to subconsciously make the mind think, wonder, desire. Compulsion leads to actions weather it be uncontrolled impulse or uncontrolled questions.
Habit: A state that one is immune to and programmed to. We are shaped as individuals. To know right from wrong, to have a conscious or not. To feel, to be numb to feeling. Habit is always recurrent, anbd often unconscious. It is a pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition. You are shaped into routine as a human, as a student, as a daughter, as a girlfriend, as a mother, as a wife, as a dancer. Often routine becomes habit. Habit is a lifestyle and human actions often go hand in hand with lifestyle and habit from living.
Reason: We all need a reason to believe. What reason is right or wrong. How do we know the right reason is the right reason. We don't know the future, we don't know the outcome. Reason is often a safe haven or a way out as well. It is a declaration made to explain or justify action, decision, or conviction. It is a normal mental state; sanity. Reason to be sane.
Passion: Passion lies inside all of us. Passion is engulfed by drive. Drive is strong in some and weak in some. Passion is the most powerful of emotions, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger. How various. Passion could be ardent love. Strong strong sexual desire or lust. Boundless enthusiasm. Or even a abandoned display of emotion, especially of anger. Passion sparks need, want and opens up to several others of these causes. If passion is MIA you are not human. One must be passionate to become what he/she was destined/meant to become.
Desire: Most human actions are merely sparked by desire. One wants, one goes and gets. Desire is a wish for or a long for. You act on desire. Some people live for desire. You might deny it, but you're tied to your desires.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Kaleidoscope
Everything you said tonight is lost in time.
My lap top wire went MIA about two weeks ago so I haven't been on in weeks. Lost in touch with my internet life. It's okay though because I have just been living. and I have been spending so much more time reading, writing, painting and sketching. Not facebook stalking. mmmchm.
I need to do lots more a sketching to get into real art school. I think art school is my decision. If you have ideas and passion you need to get it all out there. I have my taste and I want people to see my art as I make it. Look at is and get the feeling that I had when I made it. Sketches, in my pictures, in my collages, in my clothing designs. I want to be able to hand to people feelings in constructive abstraction, think outside of the box pieces.
Within 3 years I will have a gallery opening called "Displaced". The whole night, theme, feeling that will take you over will explain my 20 years of living and how I see it. How I think so much different. Art is the only way to describe this brain of ambition and loneliness.
We have so much love to give and I just want to give it to people. I want people to understand I don't want to hurt them I just want to love them. I just want to show them love. ~Lauren In the end I hurt anything that gave me true devotion. Friends.. classmates, teachers, artists, lovers... etc.
"Love is all there is, all there ever was and all they'll ever be"
As I fall away and everything you said to me is lost in time. The radio will bring the rain. As I fall away and everything you said tonight is mine in time.
My lap top wire went MIA about two weeks ago so I haven't been on in weeks. Lost in touch with my internet life. It's okay though because I have just been living. and I have been spending so much more time reading, writing, painting and sketching. Not facebook stalking. mmmchm.
I need to do lots more a sketching to get into real art school. I think art school is my decision. If you have ideas and passion you need to get it all out there. I have my taste and I want people to see my art as I make it. Look at is and get the feeling that I had when I made it. Sketches, in my pictures, in my collages, in my clothing designs. I want to be able to hand to people feelings in constructive abstraction, think outside of the box pieces.
Within 3 years I will have a gallery opening called "Displaced". The whole night, theme, feeling that will take you over will explain my 20 years of living and how I see it. How I think so much different. Art is the only way to describe this brain of ambition and loneliness.
We have so much love to give and I just want to give it to people. I want people to understand I don't want to hurt them I just want to love them. I just want to show them love. ~Lauren In the end I hurt anything that gave me true devotion. Friends.. classmates, teachers, artists, lovers... etc.
"Love is all there is, all there ever was and all they'll ever be"
As I fall away and everything you said to me is lost in time. The radio will bring the rain. As I fall away and everything you said tonight is mine in time.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Cross this country on a frequency
Sing until you lips become cotton candy
Sketch until your hand turns frosty
Dance until your feet melt green
Sketch until your hand turns frosty
Dance until your feet melt green
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Deconstructive piano
I am afraid of night time. Especially when I sleep alone. I admit I slept in my parents bed till I was about 12. Maybe 15. I tend to disappear and make everyone worry. When really I just don't keep my phone at my waste. No fanny packs here. I want to sit home for a whole 24 hours and just sketch sketch sketch and come up with some genius million dollar plan on how to target 10-17 year old's in a spending frenzy.
I don't understand the chemical imbalance between men and woman. I mean other then our parts and bodies. We're both still human race. And it is just a simple fertile that make's us different. It's all about the way environment and nature plays part in gender roles. But men, they think 20x different them woman. Woman are complicated, thinkers who never let it be enough. Men can make enough be enough, but they miss the intellectual side that everything could possibly be ey ok if they just woke up and smelt the fresh coffee.
You, I am leaving you alone. It is over. You had me the second you bent into my car with a hood over your head. It was the eyes. Scorpios. I tried to make you right. But truthfully I am not right myself and I can't have someone pulling my collar down.
I like knowing the first thing we did. It seems romantic. I just wish I could've walked away before the sweet went sour. I hope you find yourself. When you find you, come find me.
I finally feel grounded. With direction. Motivated. But still free of worry, flower child at heart.
Lately my mom has just been so... frustrated and always on edge. I don't know what to do, to make this better.
No one should let money hold them back.
... What's your crime?
I don't understand the chemical imbalance between men and woman. I mean other then our parts and bodies. We're both still human race. And it is just a simple fertile that make's us different. It's all about the way environment and nature plays part in gender roles. But men, they think 20x different them woman. Woman are complicated, thinkers who never let it be enough. Men can make enough be enough, but they miss the intellectual side that everything could possibly be ey ok if they just woke up and smelt the fresh coffee.
You, I am leaving you alone. It is over. You had me the second you bent into my car with a hood over your head. It was the eyes. Scorpios. I tried to make you right. But truthfully I am not right myself and I can't have someone pulling my collar down.
I like knowing the first thing we did. It seems romantic. I just wish I could've walked away before the sweet went sour. I hope you find yourself. When you find you, come find me.
I finally feel grounded. With direction. Motivated. But still free of worry, flower child at heart.
Lately my mom has just been so... frustrated and always on edge. I don't know what to do, to make this better.
No one should let money hold them back.
... What's your crime?
Friday, July 3, 2009
Saltwater room
Total different side of the bed. Hungover. But feel good. Tomorrow is the Fourth. Be safe. The feeling I get when I ride a wave out. The up in the beginning, the feel of flying. Being lifted by an outside source. The crash and the end. When you can't find up. For 5 seconds you're not in any control. I love that feeling. The beach is my home. Now I am going to Forest City park with my camera, that has not been out for quite a while. A blank canvas and paint. I want to paint landscape. Nnnnnnnnnnnnow.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Machine hearts need batteries
This begging is exciting. I can get so giddy by the smallest things. The "me too's" and the "really's" make me crazy. I don't have a taste, off the surface is a necessity. usually I can tell right away too. But still, I am known for this game. This game of lead on, and no let it. I just have a strong guard. But lately I need a suit of armor.
Ting Tings
Anxious for a reason. I am having really bad feelings. About my knees. They have been hurting me so much lately. I've always had serious knee problems and people always told me I couldn't keep with Ballet, but I just did it. 12 years and nothing. Why now when I want to start professional dancing more, they are bothering me. When I was in the studio I was stretching in second position, by the bar. And since my first plea they have been so so painful. When I bend the wrong way a shooting pain goes up my left knee and it is the excruciating pain 2bh. I should go to a doctor, but one I hate doctor appointments and I make the appointment so far because I am scared, but then everyday until my appointment I think about it nonstop. About shots, and major things that he could say, or see. I don't want to hear from someone to stop dancing. I can't take that news. Ever. I want to be 80 dancing my ass off teaching young girls, putting together a company. Watching my choreography. Blabbity blab. It is nice out, I am going to go lay on hammock and read My Sister's Keeper for the 3rd time around, in case I missed anything. I want to see the movie, Abigail Breslin is adorable. And Cameron Diaz, looks like Jules. Enjoy your day.
Believe in the make believe
Believe in the make believe
Lips that need no introduction
Anberlin. I feel like I can't focus on one thing. I get into something with so much, and do it full out. But I get tired and bored and need to move on. It happened with dancing, cooking, drawing, painting, photography, horseback riding, ballet, pointe, competitive dancing, guitar, teaching, piano, acting. I have been everywhere, but a little of each isn't going to help making a decision on what it is that I really want to do. A spoon full a sugar helps the medicine go down.
Waking up, is the true test to how you are feeling. Because if you wake up in your room alone, with no intentions for that day. What are you living for you ask, what is your fire, your passion. I'm on fire when I am near you. Ugh. I am living for desire.
Desire (emotion), a sense of longing or hoping.
Desire is my emotion everyday lately. I have desire for being a better person everyday. I have a strong desire for him. I have a strong desire for following my dreams and just to have that feel good. Feel good.
"but thoughts they change and times they rearrange i don't know who you are anymore
loves come and go and this i know i'm not who you recall anymore
but i must confess you're so much more then i remember
can't help but entertain these thoughts
thoughts of us together"
Waking up, is the true test to how you are feeling. Because if you wake up in your room alone, with no intentions for that day. What are you living for you ask, what is your fire, your passion. I'm on fire when I am near you. Ugh. I am living for desire.
Desire (emotion), a sense of longing or hoping.
Desire is my emotion everyday lately. I have desire for being a better person everyday. I have a strong desire for him. I have a strong desire for following my dreams and just to have that feel good. Feel good.
"but thoughts they change and times they rearrange i don't know who you are anymore
loves come and go and this i know i'm not who you recall anymore
but i must confess you're so much more then i remember
can't help but entertain these thoughts
thoughts of us together"
Split screen sadness
Just follow your heart. Your head has knowledge, but it's your heart that has desire and is the one thing that doesn't think... it just feels.
What's your crime?
Fourth of July weekend! I always work fourth of July, this one I want tradition back. Like when I was 2-14. Before I got myself into this crazy entertainment business. I want fireworks, family, friends, laughs, sparklers, wine (this is a new one) and bbq. I need to sleep but insomnia has caught me once again. I just lay in my bed. Eyes wide open. I like it when someone sleeps with me. The past 3 nights I've been on floors and tents with people and last night I convinced Julia to stay with me by persuading her about my dads delicious breakfast. Tonight it's just me and my stars. I need sleep. This week is a long one
-Work 2 graduation parties
-Get all my paperwork done for job, July 13th:)
-Make 14-22 lesson plans on art for 3 year olds
-Try outs for dance team
-Unemployment BS
-Go hiking
-Make schedule, this should be top of the list.. I am indecisive about what classes to take.
-Finish My Sisters Keeper a third time before I see the movie
-Buy rollerblades
-Get warped tour tickets
-Studio time is essential ofc
I just want to get my groove back on, The summer time is always slow for me. All the Jewish kids go away to sleep away camp and I have no work. I'm anxious for my summer job. I get to do art projects with little kids and I think that's really what I want to do in my future. I love art and I love teaching, put them together. When I work, I want to go to work and love what I am doing. I can't live with settling. I have never been a settler. I am too passionate and creative to settle. Taylor starts a job on Sunday, at a salon. This could be the job that she is at for the rest of her life. If she does well, and keeps moving up she could get her own station there. It's scary knowing my best friend is starting the first day to the rest of her life soon. It kind of is a kick in the butt for me on the ambition page, to just follow my heart. I can change it but right now I am creative and I want to express myself in my photography and art. Teaching is something I just have, and when you have something to offer you have to offer it. Especially since I love doing it. I used to win competitions but I let myself get to caught up in the I can't know what I want to do already, than I ran away from it. I feel like there's a lot of talk about running away in these blogs. Oh well. I run away but somehow always come back for some more tastes.
-Work 2 graduation parties
-Get all my paperwork done for job, July 13th:)
-Make 14-22 lesson plans on art for 3 year olds
-Try outs for dance team
-Unemployment BS
-Go hiking
-Make schedule, this should be top of the list.. I am indecisive about what classes to take.
-Finish My Sisters Keeper a third time before I see the movie
-Buy rollerblades
-Get warped tour tickets
-Studio time is essential ofc
I just want to get my groove back on, The summer time is always slow for me. All the Jewish kids go away to sleep away camp and I have no work. I'm anxious for my summer job. I get to do art projects with little kids and I think that's really what I want to do in my future. I love art and I love teaching, put them together. When I work, I want to go to work and love what I am doing. I can't live with settling. I have never been a settler. I am too passionate and creative to settle. Taylor starts a job on Sunday, at a salon. This could be the job that she is at for the rest of her life. If she does well, and keeps moving up she could get her own station there. It's scary knowing my best friend is starting the first day to the rest of her life soon. It kind of is a kick in the butt for me on the ambition page, to just follow my heart. I can change it but right now I am creative and I want to express myself in my photography and art. Teaching is something I just have, and when you have something to offer you have to offer it. Especially since I love doing it. I used to win competitions but I let myself get to caught up in the I can't know what I want to do already, than I ran away from it. I feel like there's a lot of talk about running away in these blogs. Oh well. I run away but somehow always come back for some more tastes.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
In a jar on my shelf
Selfish. I feel like I am acting very selfish lately. I just sometimes let my thoughts get ahead of me and my actions lag behind. I've been working so much lately, dancing and trying to get out and do things that I am missing that regularity I used to have. I like being free, but my free seems to be getting the best of me. I need to sit home awake and gather my thoughts. Ask myself what I am benefiting from this pull and push game I am playing.
It's just the scent or the sound, that triggers this impulse in me. It feels so good inside, and I am simply just acting on impulse. Throwing myself out there, free falling. But when is the catch going to happen. What I step back and look at the big picture I realize there is simply just nothing there anymore worth me staying for. For two true people who are so against games to get caught up in this sick love triangle or square. I have never wanted to run so far from anything before. I always run. I'm running.
I want so bad to go back to April. It started with a vacation, five of my best girlfriends went on a getaway to an island. We all paid for it by ourselves and were so psyched on being together straight for eight days straight. It did exactly what I wanted it to do, change each of us, change for the better and worse but most evident, it made us 29x closer. I have never met such a vast group of girlfriends that are tied together by the most important thing, love for one another. Emily and me just trigger that aliveness in one another. Darlene and I are probably too passionate for our own good, but it's what makes us talk and think. Thinking is key. Allison is always the friend. She's got her own plate to deal with but trip made her weed out good from bad. Gina was probably changed the most. She realized there is more out there then this town she was stuck in. Girl lost in the scene and since I have been back Gina has grown into an independent woman. Julia and me had a downfall on the trip. A falling out so you say. And if it wasn't for two boys who we became crazy for after we got back, we probably would still be on awkward terms. I think about how I might have just caved in because I was a sucker for love but, it happened for a reason. They were there primarily for a reason, so me and Jules wouldn't drift. Because she has laid out foundation and sees what I got behind my front I put out. I was anticipating what would happen what I got home. I was anxious for it. The start of something new. And god damn the BEGINNING is the BEST PART. I have never seen or let 3 people into my life as much as I let this new foursome. Looking back, it was so sweet. I did just what I was scared of since my last relationship. I fell so hard, I don't even remember falling because I was so in the now then. I didn't think about the consequences or my guard being up. I just melted into this routine.
Sweet April.
We're woman. And I am the only one in my head, who will ever be in my head. Just like that the rug can be pulled out from underneath you. It hurts, I didn't let it hurt me though. I never accept rejection or pain well. Especially when I saw all the potential it has. But it wasn't my fight to fight.
But now, what now. I am so swept up that I am not putting me first. And I need to be first. I need to take care of my own poop. My school, my art, my head, my friends, my happiness. But when does that cross the line with selfishness, this is my problem.
I'm sorry I upset you yesterday. I never meant to do that to you. I just was not in the party mood. But it was your birthday and I let you down. The eight page letter you wrote me was an eye opening thing. It made me realize that I am trying so hard for something that I am not benefiting from one small bit.
So this is my sign off. I have to focus on my dancing and my career. Most importantly, my family. They are the ones that are forced to be there, and mine isn't forced at all. It comes naturally in this home of chaos. I have to give back to the people that continuously give me and show me that I am bigger than my body. There the ones I will fight for and no matter lose or win, it's always going to be there.
I am babbling. Babble babble.
.... Heartache to heartache.
It's just the scent or the sound, that triggers this impulse in me. It feels so good inside, and I am simply just acting on impulse. Throwing myself out there, free falling. But when is the catch going to happen. What I step back and look at the big picture I realize there is simply just nothing there anymore worth me staying for. For two true people who are so against games to get caught up in this sick love triangle or square. I have never wanted to run so far from anything before. I always run. I'm running.
I want so bad to go back to April. It started with a vacation, five of my best girlfriends went on a getaway to an island. We all paid for it by ourselves and were so psyched on being together straight for eight days straight. It did exactly what I wanted it to do, change each of us, change for the better and worse but most evident, it made us 29x closer. I have never met such a vast group of girlfriends that are tied together by the most important thing, love for one another. Emily and me just trigger that aliveness in one another. Darlene and I are probably too passionate for our own good, but it's what makes us talk and think. Thinking is key. Allison is always the friend. She's got her own plate to deal with but trip made her weed out good from bad. Gina was probably changed the most. She realized there is more out there then this town she was stuck in. Girl lost in the scene and since I have been back Gina has grown into an independent woman. Julia and me had a downfall on the trip. A falling out so you say. And if it wasn't for two boys who we became crazy for after we got back, we probably would still be on awkward terms. I think about how I might have just caved in because I was a sucker for love but, it happened for a reason. They were there primarily for a reason, so me and Jules wouldn't drift. Because she has laid out foundation and sees what I got behind my front I put out. I was anticipating what would happen what I got home. I was anxious for it. The start of something new. And god damn the BEGINNING is the BEST PART. I have never seen or let 3 people into my life as much as I let this new foursome. Looking back, it was so sweet. I did just what I was scared of since my last relationship. I fell so hard, I don't even remember falling because I was so in the now then. I didn't think about the consequences or my guard being up. I just melted into this routine.
Sweet April.
We're woman. And I am the only one in my head, who will ever be in my head. Just like that the rug can be pulled out from underneath you. It hurts, I didn't let it hurt me though. I never accept rejection or pain well. Especially when I saw all the potential it has. But it wasn't my fight to fight.
But now, what now. I am so swept up that I am not putting me first. And I need to be first. I need to take care of my own poop. My school, my art, my head, my friends, my happiness. But when does that cross the line with selfishness, this is my problem.
I'm sorry I upset you yesterday. I never meant to do that to you. I just was not in the party mood. But it was your birthday and I let you down. The eight page letter you wrote me was an eye opening thing. It made me realize that I am trying so hard for something that I am not benefiting from one small bit.
So this is my sign off. I have to focus on my dancing and my career. Most importantly, my family. They are the ones that are forced to be there, and mine isn't forced at all. It comes naturally in this home of chaos. I have to give back to the people that continuously give me and show me that I am bigger than my body. There the ones I will fight for and no matter lose or win, it's always going to be there.
I am babbling. Babble babble.
.... Heartache to heartache.
Feel Good Drag
Want to get so much out, usually when I write on paper it feels good. When I write it on paper, I feel like it's no longer inside of me (...threatening the life it belongs too... anna nalak) But lately that has not been working to well for me. I am so frustrated with my state of mind lately. It feels indecisive to the max. I am used to necessity of balance, but this is just overboard recently. I can't sit here and play buddah anymore. I wish I could be a fat bald guy who is all about peace. But I am not. I am me. I am alive. Once. I always blog when I am upset/mad/aggrivated which isn't usually so common. But lately, oh lately it's all there. Maybe I am just hoping that someone will read this and feel the same way I do, and relate. Or maybe I will just encounter this problem again along the line, and be able to take my own advice.
Everyone warned me, even he warned me. There was a really good chance this was going to end badly. But I just let it take me over, take me over with feeling and forgot all about the doubt. The feeling was all there that I didn't even think about the early warning I once got. What is an early warning, when it's so broad. There is no two people out there the same, so I guess I was hopeful that with me it would be different. And I am all about playing doctor, so I wanted to fix somebody. I was so tired of people trying to fix me, when I am not in need of repair.
Everyone warned me, even he warned me. There was a really good chance this was going to end badly. But I just let it take me over, take me over with feeling and forgot all about the doubt. The feeling was all there that I didn't even think about the early warning I once got. What is an early warning, when it's so broad. There is no two people out there the same, so I guess I was hopeful that with me it would be different. And I am all about playing doctor, so I wanted to fix somebody. I was so tired of people trying to fix me, when I am not in need of repair.
Date with the Night
My head, my head. It feels heavy today. Streaming with thoughts but when is it not? I woke up to the second page of newspaper to find out my cousin had input with a hate crime. It breaks my heart that I don't know her at all anymore. People grow apart, and I know, I have a hard time accepting change. Four months ago when her older brother/my cousin passed, I tried to be there. She made it apparent that she didn't need me or my side of the family, so I just gave my condolences and let it be. She is bigger than this. Some people don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some bad things need to happen for people to realize they just let it slip. I hope this was the wake up call. This is just the correlation of bad and good people. I think everyone has the good in them, it's whether or not you choose to follow.
P.s. Expect a lot on here. Insomnia, my macbook, tired hand from writing in my diary. This thing will be greatly used. I used to blog all the time in middle school and I love looking back on writings. Documented feeling.
P.s. Expect a lot on here. Insomnia, my macbook, tired hand from writing in my diary. This thing will be greatly used. I used to blog all the time in middle school and I love looking back on writings. Documented feeling.
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