I can relate so well to people. Someone who I have never met and talk for hours. About things. At 4am. But tomorrow I wake up and see everything in a different light. A light where I wonder if I am the same person at 4am then I am at 10am. I like me better at 4am. I am easier to please. What I hate though is when it's finally time I grasp I will be grump waking up in 5 hours. So I lay back and count sheep, or sing a song in my head. Then it happens. My mind goes off a mile a minute. About silly little things. internal to-do list. Tonight it's my brother. He's alone in a room with a guy that snores like a truck driver. Is it dirty? He can't smoke or have a cell phone. I wonder if he's okay I just want to talk to him. I know it's what he neeeds. but I feel like his addiction is different. Or is it different just because it's happening to me, my brother. That it feels so much more odd. Then not observing it. I wish I knew he was okay and happy and still felt he was doing the right thing. I love you and I know you can do this, make it through whatever because you, you are a person who can take over the needs/wants of addiction. To better yourself because you are so capable of bigger and better things. When things like this happen I realize how amazingly strong my mothers backbone is and how she is an inspiring woman with a heart of a lion. She amazes me everyday on how she wakes up and faces everything clear minded and clear head. And my father even though I have no patience for his long explanations, he is so full of knowledge and wisdom and experiece. He hears the music. My brothers, together or apart are the two most out of this world individual individuals. I wouldn't do anything to change my family. They are mine. adoption makes us all purely out of love. Yes!
I just uploaded pictures from the Dominican Republic and I had an outter body experience accepting that I was there with my 5 best friends sipping bahama mamaes by the pool. That was me.
What. to go bed
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Senses
I head my phone Beep beep every two minutes about, notifying that it is dead. Not speaking that he is returning yet anotehr unanswered call. I hear my radio upstairs, that has some sort of an alarm on it goes off every night, right now, heartless Kayne West. And my (THE CLASH) is low not to wake my parents volumed. Because I refuse to do my homework in my haunted room. I don't ever figure out why, or unplug it just come home to blasting Z100. Which is weird because I never set an alarm on it. (Paranomal Activity) Victim, definatley. Fuck.
What am I doing.
I just made this extensive schedule for next semested
because I will graduate on time :) 4 semester nassau girl, yes!
now I am wrtiing a paper that isn't even interesting me.
I need something to live for.
Some sort of drive.
Fufill this missing in me.
People is my drive.
I love going out and meeting new people. Some call me a people whore. But isn't that the purpose of life to interact as many people as possible. They are all here for a reason to benefit you. There are so few off the surface people. I need to cross as many as I can.
So that's what I live for. To wake up in this house of love. Get up get ready get out there, do things meet people. Feel alive. Laugh. Learn from teachers whose job it is to brain feed me information. Dance all I can because one day I won't need that.
Now fireflies on the radio. And another blog left with my insomniac on my mind.
Are you awake?
Sleep/people/desire <3
What am I doing.
I just made this extensive schedule for next semested
because I will graduate on time :) 4 semester nassau girl, yes!
now I am wrtiing a paper that isn't even interesting me.
I need something to live for.
Some sort of drive.
Fufill this missing in me.
People is my drive.
I love going out and meeting new people. Some call me a people whore. But isn't that the purpose of life to interact as many people as possible. They are all here for a reason to benefit you. There are so few off the surface people. I need to cross as many as I can.
So that's what I live for. To wake up in this house of love. Get up get ready get out there, do things meet people. Feel alive. Laugh. Learn from teachers whose job it is to brain feed me information. Dance all I can because one day I won't need that.
Now fireflies on the radio. And another blog left with my insomniac on my mind.
Are you awake?
Sleep/people/desire <3
Much overdue love making
Now that I cure all my lonliness in pouring out my soul in my newly cleared basement as a dance floor. I have been feeling a lot better. Lately I've gotten back the I don't want to wake up in the morning feeling. Even for my favorite classes. That comes with missing him, and realized time to get a life pack up and move the fuck on Lyn. What are you doing holding onto something that is one-sided. It is always one-sided the other way that to me this is a much needed reality check. I like reality checks because the bounce back is always the best. Bitter-sweet I guess. It is crazy how people can be sure good friends, and tat they are together all the time, and after one minute everything can change. I can't imagine how alone you feel. But you won't let me in so fuck it right. Ah lyn lyn lyn never changes.
After a much anticipated past 3 days. I feel so cured. But what am I trying to get at. I don't know myself. Do I want a relationship with this woman. What will it cost me. Distance one. But my mom is afraid as well. And my mom I want to make her feel happy. I keep feeling like I owe something to this woman, liek when she was here I felt like I owed it to her to be with her all the time I could because she did come here : reason to see me. But I don't owe anything to this woman. Devils advocate: she gave me life. What the fuck lyn. I am talking to myself a lot in this blog. I just have been writing all day. About him. About her. About brother. About dance. About family. About friends. About desires. About the struggle. About laying in a bed with you, without one worry in the world. And now I write my english paper.
Why is there a turnitin.com do they not trust that a english major will fucking write out of her own head. This society, no one trusts anybody. And I don't trust anybody. I've learned that years ago and to this day I feel so silly I ever trusted her with my life, when she just up and left.
I haven't hurt myself in a while. that is good news.
New moon soon.
Dancers showcase soon.
California soon.
Looking forward to that.
But truthfully, tomorrow I don't want to get out of bed.
My head is a world of it's own. I don't even understand my god damn head. I need to let somebody in. a complete stranger with long legs and red lips, not pink. Male <3
After a much anticipated past 3 days. I feel so cured. But what am I trying to get at. I don't know myself. Do I want a relationship with this woman. What will it cost me. Distance one. But my mom is afraid as well. And my mom I want to make her feel happy. I keep feeling like I owe something to this woman, liek when she was here I felt like I owed it to her to be with her all the time I could because she did come here : reason to see me. But I don't owe anything to this woman. Devils advocate: she gave me life. What the fuck lyn. I am talking to myself a lot in this blog. I just have been writing all day. About him. About her. About brother. About dance. About family. About friends. About desires. About the struggle. About laying in a bed with you, without one worry in the world. And now I write my english paper.
Why is there a turnitin.com do they not trust that a english major will fucking write out of her own head. This society, no one trusts anybody. And I don't trust anybody. I've learned that years ago and to this day I feel so silly I ever trusted her with my life, when she just up and left.
I haven't hurt myself in a while. that is good news.
New moon soon.
Dancers showcase soon.
California soon.
Looking forward to that.
But truthfully, tomorrow I don't want to get out of bed.
My head is a world of it's own. I don't even understand my god damn head. I need to let somebody in. a complete stranger with long legs and red lips, not pink. Male <3
Red belt around my mind
she gave me a ring. It fits on my pinky and 20 years ago it was a gift my birth father gave to her. it fit on her index. It is beautiful. I want to meet him too. He seems hard like me, hard to read hard to understand and get. Hard to reach as well. Forgetful.
This is how I feel about you
Slow it down, you have a tendency to rush back into your past.
Slow it down, you transfer all your weight and disappear.
You kneel to condition all the feelings that you feel.
I've got a red belt around my mind.
-T&S
Im tired of chasing you to show you what you are missing.
You will realize on your own.
By then I will be off to california.
I need ballet.
This is how I feel about you
Slow it down, you have a tendency to rush back into your past.
Slow it down, you transfer all your weight and disappear.
You kneel to condition all the feelings that you feel.
I've got a red belt around my mind.
-T&S
Im tired of chasing you to show you what you are missing.
You will realize on your own.
By then I will be off to california.
I need ballet.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Q and A
These past three days have been a complete up and down, feelings wise. I wonder sometimes if it is me living this life. I feel like there's a little person in my head and I'm just watching myself from that view.
I tried to not give myself any expectations. because expecting something. Would leave me with unanswered questions and anxious toes. I felt so odd driving to a train station to pick up the woman who I can't remember but 19 years ago I was in her stomach.
They told each other they would meet up every year on my birthday. They never did.
She was just like me. Someone who loses everything, digs in her big bags to get things. Afro fingers. Wanderer. Loves music and dancing. So open to new experiences. A kind of go with the flow kind of person. But opininated. Sometimes when she was talking to me, I would just stare. Stare at this woman wondering what was going on in her head. The head that came to Nyc to see me.
It was easy. It was easier then I thought. I didn't feel a strong bond. But was that just an expectation I had. Should I have just assumed the least and been more satsfied. I was easy. I let her in easy. I don't feel any anger. I feel love, because she gave me away to these two people that love me unconditionally and forever.
Everything that has been going on with my brother, I see the true support of my parents.
I introduced this woman into my life. My feelings. My friends. My world. My shopping. My head. My music. My life.
I always thought of it happening a different way. But never thought it would actually happen. Happen to me. Because just like everything I don't accept anything
But now..
I must accept.
When you have a boyfriend for weeks and weeks. and you wake up in the morning and the night before you messed it up or he cheated. And you wake up and you feel so alone. And odd.
I have felt that way my whole life.
But the second I saw her.
It went away.
It has been away.
I miss my brother
I tried to not give myself any expectations. because expecting something. Would leave me with unanswered questions and anxious toes. I felt so odd driving to a train station to pick up the woman who I can't remember but 19 years ago I was in her stomach.
They told each other they would meet up every year on my birthday. They never did.
She was just like me. Someone who loses everything, digs in her big bags to get things. Afro fingers. Wanderer. Loves music and dancing. So open to new experiences. A kind of go with the flow kind of person. But opininated. Sometimes when she was talking to me, I would just stare. Stare at this woman wondering what was going on in her head. The head that came to Nyc to see me.
It was easy. It was easier then I thought. I didn't feel a strong bond. But was that just an expectation I had. Should I have just assumed the least and been more satsfied. I was easy. I let her in easy. I don't feel any anger. I feel love, because she gave me away to these two people that love me unconditionally and forever.
Everything that has been going on with my brother, I see the true support of my parents.
I introduced this woman into my life. My feelings. My friends. My world. My shopping. My head. My music. My life.
I always thought of it happening a different way. But never thought it would actually happen. Happen to me. Because just like everything I don't accept anything
But now..
I must accept.
When you have a boyfriend for weeks and weeks. and you wake up in the morning and the night before you messed it up or he cheated. And you wake up and you feel so alone. And odd.
I have felt that way my whole life.
But the second I saw her.
It went away.
It has been away.
I miss my brother
Monday, October 26, 2009
Get book go
I'm am ready to go. I got my book. I feel like a little girl with a suitcase and her book by her side. I am the narrator in this story,
My story.
Out of all people. I miss you today, I know it's been years but the advice you would give me about this I kind of wish you were by my side. I can't bring myself to make the call.
Here I go. Ugh.
My story.
Out of all people. I miss you today, I know it's been years but the advice you would give me about this I kind of wish you were by my side. I can't bring myself to make the call.
Here I go. Ugh.
Love by our side
I feel like everybody just has so much capability to give love, and if everybody were more in touch with this love that they carried inside them, this world could be so much more. I am a true believer in simplicity. I like to make situation complex but that seems to be my own satisfaction. My guidelines are based mostly on simplicity. That there should be so excuses for yourself, on why you didn't wake up in time. Or hand something in on time, or not meet your friends for coffee when you said you'd be there an hour ago. I am one to not answer, but I don't make excuses. I wasn't there because I was on this website instead. Or went to sleep to late to even think about waking up in time. You did it because you did it. End of story. You didn't do it because you didn't do it. No matter how busy you were, how hectic life is. Take responsibility for your actions.
I know that I am not alone where I feel this inside me like. Like a bubble. A bubble of love, care, truth, belief that is always on edge to bursting. I want to save people. The insecure girl in the corner. The insecure boy who smiles outside but not inside. I like to touch things in my path and make them sliver to gold. And I have come to terms that I am not the only one. It is just love inside me that I want to give to people and make the difference by showing my attempts in trying to make someone's day better. When people gather together, for class at a college, or a friends house for entertainment, or in the photo lab to get work done, or in my ballet class to practice what we love to do, you are all their at that time for a reason. Now why itch for the clock to run out and the bell to ring. I sometimes dread putting on my tights and leotard (o) and getting my car and going to go be on my feet for 6 hours saturday mornings. But when I get there and I am in a room with girls who probably didn't want to wake up either. I snap into this mode. Where I am unstoppable because the high I get off being in a room with dancers who love doing what I do just as much if not some more then me, is what this life is about. Meeting, experiencing, enjoying the company of other human beings doing, watching, helping you in doing what you love to do.
Its like when you hear a really great band live for the first time. And everybody's thinking it but nobody's saying it. I want to draw that feeling. But I don't want to ruin it. I want to explain that feeling but there is only so much you can say.. it's the god damn feeling.
Accept the fact that feeling and thought are related but sometimes I can't explain the feeling of why I continuously fall into a trap with a boy who seems to play these games with trillions of girls who are similar and completely different then me. I just mentioned that I love meeting new people. I do. And with opposite sex, I am the biggest flirt in the world. But I never ever would intentionally hurt someone, and you it's been to long now that it's nothing but intentional.
Whatever.
6 hours.
"And finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside, and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and could be, if there weren't any other people living in the world. " - Anne Frank
I know that I am not alone where I feel this inside me like. Like a bubble. A bubble of love, care, truth, belief that is always on edge to bursting. I want to save people. The insecure girl in the corner. The insecure boy who smiles outside but not inside. I like to touch things in my path and make them sliver to gold. And I have come to terms that I am not the only one. It is just love inside me that I want to give to people and make the difference by showing my attempts in trying to make someone's day better. When people gather together, for class at a college, or a friends house for entertainment, or in the photo lab to get work done, or in my ballet class to practice what we love to do, you are all their at that time for a reason. Now why itch for the clock to run out and the bell to ring. I sometimes dread putting on my tights and leotard (o) and getting my car and going to go be on my feet for 6 hours saturday mornings. But when I get there and I am in a room with girls who probably didn't want to wake up either. I snap into this mode. Where I am unstoppable because the high I get off being in a room with dancers who love doing what I do just as much if not some more then me, is what this life is about. Meeting, experiencing, enjoying the company of other human beings doing, watching, helping you in doing what you love to do.
Its like when you hear a really great band live for the first time. And everybody's thinking it but nobody's saying it. I want to draw that feeling. But I don't want to ruin it. I want to explain that feeling but there is only so much you can say.. it's the god damn feeling.
Accept the fact that feeling and thought are related but sometimes I can't explain the feeling of why I continuously fall into a trap with a boy who seems to play these games with trillions of girls who are similar and completely different then me. I just mentioned that I love meeting new people. I do. And with opposite sex, I am the biggest flirt in the world. But I never ever would intentionally hurt someone, and you it's been to long now that it's nothing but intentional.
Whatever.
6 hours.
"And finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside, and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and could be, if there weren't any other people living in the world. " - Anne Frank
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Movie life back drop
We've all got something that won't go away.
For me these muttered words by a beautiful voice, since the first time I heard them a little less than a year ago. Have done something. It's something I have been trying to get out of me the right way for 6 years. Since I finally decided I am me, myself and I am only in control of my thoughts and process and no one can ever take that away. And even though I might think about it more than others, it is what it is. If others stopped and thought about it as much as I did, they would probably come to the conclusion that we all truly have something, some sort of niche or what they think is different then the other billion brains out there. That they simply cannot get rid of. That they cannot heal, cure, mend, satisfy, relate too. I just accept it and deal with it.
As an outsider I step back sometimes. I wish I could snap my fingers and make myself invisible so in my own head experiment it would be scientifically correct, and I would not be the observer that makes everything different. Even though in a room full of people I don't have that impact. But I wish I could just be a wallflower, because I love watching people interact. Or watch a really great band live and see what that particular song, lyric, lyricist, music, piano does to them. At that moment.
I am all about setting up the moment. I wish I could say I just am a go with the flow person. Which slightly I am because spontaneity is something I tend to get in trouble for in the end. But I want to live in the glorified movies they play on repeat on all the movie channels that I get sucked into watching again and again. I wonder why I am such a movie person. And it is simply because I like to live a movie life LIFE.. I love it when sentences have the same word twice and make sense.
I write in my diary every god damn day. I can go back to 1998 and tell you how I was feeling when I was 8 years old on my first entry when my mom told me that I should write in a diary because I finally saw a movie when a young boy got killed, and I realized that boy will never be able to live to have kids, or a job, or a family, pets, school, career, experience, fun, mistakes, attraction, puberty nothing. It hit me like a truck. Knowing that, that may possible could be me. And as a 8,9 year old what do I have to show for it. But a photo album and an upset family crying over the what could've been with me. So I thought if I write how I am feeling, thinking, doing, wanting, hurting then people will know me. Know who I was. What I was doing. Because you aren't always who you put off. I have learned this recently. Mostly in the boys category. But with my girlfriends as well. Friends for years, I have realized that people can put off pretend what they are for a long time. So long that they start to believe it is actually who they are. Why. You are living this life to find out who you are and learn and accept to be okay with it. So just be okay with it and go with it. Learn who you are and make mistakes and lies and oopsies to be a better person. With better people around you. Don't put off who you want to be. Put off and do what you want to do.
As I was watching a band that I was honestly looking forward to seeing for weeks when I find out they were playing near by again. I invited my best friend. Who I drive down Southern State Parkway, beach and back "beach runs" and blast red letter through her shitty stereo. It does something to my heart. That feeling of you thoughts brain coming to life in speakers with beautiful talent, producers and voices and instruments that set you mood. And knowing that no matter what he is singing about. It is what oyu are hearing. What it does to you. Mainly. I've heard the song, so many times. Seeing what it does to me, and seeing what it does to Julia. Same reaction, well similar. But complete different relations. so today live for her for the first time, I scurried back so I wasn't in her peripheral vision, and I just watched her watching this song not come out of her stereo speakers but out of the mans voice. Wondering if it would change for her, wondering where her head was at. How it was hurting her or pushing her or moving her. It was one of the most interesting things I have ever witnessed. And the best part of it, was I didn't know. I jsut created this idea of what I thought it was doing to her.
I came home, got iced coffee with someone who I really like. A boy who I am completely 100 myself in front of and not afraid of it at all. Who I don't set up movie scenes with, who I just let flow with. Those are the guys who always fall in love with. and I ditch to the curb because I'm human and I want what I can't have. But I am done doing that. If someone sees you for you and likes it. Hell if you can feel it too, really feel it. Then just go with it. Because the result could be absolutely beautiful. I talked with him for 3 hours, about so many things a lot of what I a, writing about right now. And he made me feel so god damn good and not alone. Completely off the surface depth, similar. I want to keep writing.
Tomorrow is the big day. I wish right now I can meet her because I am in such an amazing, talking, alive kind of mood. That I just want new experiences right now.
I will go to sleep tonight. and this will be the last night dreaming of what I think she looks like, what I think she acts like. Tomorrow, unless something goes wrong (I hope not) I will meet the woman who gives birth to me. And even though that scares me half to death and there is a huge part of me that still wants to cancel and not show. And there are a lot ofpeople doubting that I actually will show, due to my past. I think I will show. Alone. Me and her and my diary will be the only ones who know exactly how it went. And me and my diary only will know exactly how I felt. And I'm ok with that. I am really okay with everything right now. I am really anxious, but anxious different from the anxious I usually am. I am not feeling weird or crazy, I am feeling straight and full. Full of this new thing in my life to be opened. Whether I choose to go on with it, or close it. Tomorrow I will satisfy an itch I have been trying to scratch for the past 19 years of my life. GOODNIGHT!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
happy attack
sdughgshgsuaofaifhadifhaodkaifdi
scared attack
shdsugdugojeigjdijgds
anxious attack
djgdsgjsjgigojgisgijgijgsigj
love love love love love out loud!
For me these muttered words by a beautiful voice, since the first time I heard them a little less than a year ago. Have done something. It's something I have been trying to get out of me the right way for 6 years. Since I finally decided I am me, myself and I am only in control of my thoughts and process and no one can ever take that away. And even though I might think about it more than others, it is what it is. If others stopped and thought about it as much as I did, they would probably come to the conclusion that we all truly have something, some sort of niche or what they think is different then the other billion brains out there. That they simply cannot get rid of. That they cannot heal, cure, mend, satisfy, relate too. I just accept it and deal with it.
As an outsider I step back sometimes. I wish I could snap my fingers and make myself invisible so in my own head experiment it would be scientifically correct, and I would not be the observer that makes everything different. Even though in a room full of people I don't have that impact. But I wish I could just be a wallflower, because I love watching people interact. Or watch a really great band live and see what that particular song, lyric, lyricist, music, piano does to them. At that moment.
I am all about setting up the moment. I wish I could say I just am a go with the flow person. Which slightly I am because spontaneity is something I tend to get in trouble for in the end. But I want to live in the glorified movies they play on repeat on all the movie channels that I get sucked into watching again and again. I wonder why I am such a movie person. And it is simply because I like to live a movie life LIFE.. I love it when sentences have the same word twice and make sense.
I write in my diary every god damn day. I can go back to 1998 and tell you how I was feeling when I was 8 years old on my first entry when my mom told me that I should write in a diary because I finally saw a movie when a young boy got killed, and I realized that boy will never be able to live to have kids, or a job, or a family, pets, school, career, experience, fun, mistakes, attraction, puberty nothing. It hit me like a truck. Knowing that, that may possible could be me. And as a 8,9 year old what do I have to show for it. But a photo album and an upset family crying over the what could've been with me. So I thought if I write how I am feeling, thinking, doing, wanting, hurting then people will know me. Know who I was. What I was doing. Because you aren't always who you put off. I have learned this recently. Mostly in the boys category. But with my girlfriends as well. Friends for years, I have realized that people can put off pretend what they are for a long time. So long that they start to believe it is actually who they are. Why. You are living this life to find out who you are and learn and accept to be okay with it. So just be okay with it and go with it. Learn who you are and make mistakes and lies and oopsies to be a better person. With better people around you. Don't put off who you want to be. Put off and do what you want to do.
As I was watching a band that I was honestly looking forward to seeing for weeks when I find out they were playing near by again. I invited my best friend. Who I drive down Southern State Parkway, beach and back "beach runs" and blast red letter through her shitty stereo. It does something to my heart. That feeling of you thoughts brain coming to life in speakers with beautiful talent, producers and voices and instruments that set you mood. And knowing that no matter what he is singing about. It is what oyu are hearing. What it does to you. Mainly. I've heard the song, so many times. Seeing what it does to me, and seeing what it does to Julia. Same reaction, well similar. But complete different relations. so today live for her for the first time, I scurried back so I wasn't in her peripheral vision, and I just watched her watching this song not come out of her stereo speakers but out of the mans voice. Wondering if it would change for her, wondering where her head was at. How it was hurting her or pushing her or moving her. It was one of the most interesting things I have ever witnessed. And the best part of it, was I didn't know. I jsut created this idea of what I thought it was doing to her.
I came home, got iced coffee with someone who I really like. A boy who I am completely 100 myself in front of and not afraid of it at all. Who I don't set up movie scenes with, who I just let flow with. Those are the guys who always fall in love with. and I ditch to the curb because I'm human and I want what I can't have. But I am done doing that. If someone sees you for you and likes it. Hell if you can feel it too, really feel it. Then just go with it. Because the result could be absolutely beautiful. I talked with him for 3 hours, about so many things a lot of what I a, writing about right now. And he made me feel so god damn good and not alone. Completely off the surface depth, similar. I want to keep writing.
Tomorrow is the big day. I wish right now I can meet her because I am in such an amazing, talking, alive kind of mood. That I just want new experiences right now.
I will go to sleep tonight. and this will be the last night dreaming of what I think she looks like, what I think she acts like. Tomorrow, unless something goes wrong (I hope not) I will meet the woman who gives birth to me. And even though that scares me half to death and there is a huge part of me that still wants to cancel and not show. And there are a lot ofpeople doubting that I actually will show, due to my past. I think I will show. Alone. Me and her and my diary will be the only ones who know exactly how it went. And me and my diary only will know exactly how I felt. And I'm ok with that. I am really okay with everything right now. I am really anxious, but anxious different from the anxious I usually am. I am not feeling weird or crazy, I am feeling straight and full. Full of this new thing in my life to be opened. Whether I choose to go on with it, or close it. Tomorrow I will satisfy an itch I have been trying to scratch for the past 19 years of my life. GOODNIGHT!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
happy attack
sdughgshgsuaofaifhadifhaodkaifdi
scared attack
shdsugdugojeigjdijgds
anxious attack
djgdsgjsjgigojgisgijgijgsigj
love love love love love out loud!
The youth
Ugh. I am an idiot. I hate that feeling when you wake up (after only 1 hour of sleep) and feel like you were so weak to a complete idiot for no reason at all. Don't give him the satifaction of the doubt. You will get what you get when it comes around.
So tomorrow is the day. I got my friends, and my family behind me 100%. I am anxious more then ever.
Scared.
Addicton. It turns you into someone you are not. Someone I don't know. I am so broken by you but it's not you it's someone else that takes over your body. I want the old you back. Maybe now close to death you realize you need to shake this demon off. Or else he will get you.
I get to go dance now for 5 hours with 13 year olds and tell them about my life, glam is up a little. That's about it, what I live for. Is performing.
So today I will be anxious, make myself sick over it. Dance and pretend. Watch, sing and act like I'm okay when I know you will be near me.
So tomorrow is the day. I got my friends, and my family behind me 100%. I am anxious more then ever.
Scared.
Addicton. It turns you into someone you are not. Someone I don't know. I am so broken by you but it's not you it's someone else that takes over your body. I want the old you back. Maybe now close to death you realize you need to shake this demon off. Or else he will get you.
I get to go dance now for 5 hours with 13 year olds and tell them about my life, glam is up a little. That's about it, what I live for. Is performing.
So today I will be anxious, make myself sick over it. Dance and pretend. Watch, sing and act like I'm okay when I know you will be near me.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Ballerina feet
I never know what to say, I know what I am thinking and I know how to do what I want. But when I have to explain something, or tell someone how I am feeling. I am a loss for words. It's like my head is this different part of me. Not attached. Doesn't think. Just does. It could be a good thing, but not when you are dealing with people who need to be explained what you are feeling or else they want nothing to do with you or are feeling smothered. Why is it that there are a billion people surrounding this earth, with alike hobbies, alike families, alike problems. But I want to spend time with the one person who thinks I am loco (motive) and who really in the end could only be described as mean to me. A big bully. A boy bully. I don't know. I feel so lonely lately. I am doing this, dancing 5 days a week and working Bat Mitzvahs as lead, so the money flow is nice. But me I am never satisfied. But I've felt this way my whole life. Sometimes I ask for advice and this person is standing in front of me and all in their thoughts is helping me, advice, true experience I have bee through it I want to make you feel better advice, and I don't listen. I don't know how to listen all I am thinking about is my anxiety, how my toes hurt, my tailbones broken and I haven't told anybody because I need to dance to feel all right, and how I got ditched for smiley face pancakes, and I want to call my birth mother up to tell her to cancel but I don't have guts. I can't even call the doctor to make my own appointments because sometimes I am nothing but a coward.
I wonder how easy people work. The people who go with the flow. I probably looked like one of them in high school. sports, dance, homecoming, friends, parties, new clothes. But I was never and will never be easy.
I feel like when I get high, I evaporate into this normal human. I can have hour conversations about a great new movie or a band. When I am sober, its like I want to talk about life and feelings and try and figure out why the earth spins and how we were created. WIth most people the the opposite. I am just far from normal if there is a normal.
My phone won't stop beeping. I should probably answer these text messages being it takes me 20 years to respond back saying what I need to say on my 1920s house phone I carry around. Totally makes it easier with my inability to ever make sense of what my brain is thinking. I just let my fingers bumble a bunch of words together.
This house isn't making this condition any better. My beautiful mother heart broken by her son who just continues and continues to fall apart by the mention of this medicine. I can't deal with it anymore. He will be gone on monday. for training for this new job. So at least when this new woman comes into my life that my mom is hiding how scared she is, she will only have one thing to deal with .. not 2 problem children.
It is 10 on a saturday night and I truly just want to stay in turn on a movie and relax for my first lead dancer job tomorrow but I have this idea in my head, that I should be out. So I will go and dress up like max from where the wild things are and show m y face at a party that all these text messages are saying I should be there already. And I have just ignored them for the past... 2 hours. Ugh. Why do I do this. Maybe tonight I will meet a girl who wants to change the world with me, or a boy who will sing me sweet lullabies in my times of insomnia.
Scarlett Johansson's new album is quite relaxing. Total starbucks music. I have enjoyed it the past 2 days.
These next two days I can't tell where my head is going to be, but I do feel like I have no one but my diaries to talk to about it, But my nerves are all over the place. I have never been so fucking scared in my life. I feel hurt, by nothing but hurt and Ernext Hemingway once said
Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it-don't cheat with it.
So I will write with my hurt.
and dance it off because I feel like this all the time.
lonely, little and alive
I wonder how easy people work. The people who go with the flow. I probably looked like one of them in high school. sports, dance, homecoming, friends, parties, new clothes. But I was never and will never be easy.
I feel like when I get high, I evaporate into this normal human. I can have hour conversations about a great new movie or a band. When I am sober, its like I want to talk about life and feelings and try and figure out why the earth spins and how we were created. WIth most people the the opposite. I am just far from normal if there is a normal.
My phone won't stop beeping. I should probably answer these text messages being it takes me 20 years to respond back saying what I need to say on my 1920s house phone I carry around. Totally makes it easier with my inability to ever make sense of what my brain is thinking. I just let my fingers bumble a bunch of words together.
This house isn't making this condition any better. My beautiful mother heart broken by her son who just continues and continues to fall apart by the mention of this medicine. I can't deal with it anymore. He will be gone on monday. for training for this new job. So at least when this new woman comes into my life that my mom is hiding how scared she is, she will only have one thing to deal with .. not 2 problem children.
It is 10 on a saturday night and I truly just want to stay in turn on a movie and relax for my first lead dancer job tomorrow but I have this idea in my head, that I should be out. So I will go and dress up like max from where the wild things are and show m y face at a party that all these text messages are saying I should be there already. And I have just ignored them for the past... 2 hours. Ugh. Why do I do this. Maybe tonight I will meet a girl who wants to change the world with me, or a boy who will sing me sweet lullabies in my times of insomnia.
Scarlett Johansson's new album is quite relaxing. Total starbucks music. I have enjoyed it the past 2 days.
These next two days I can't tell where my head is going to be, but I do feel like I have no one but my diaries to talk to about it, But my nerves are all over the place. I have never been so fucking scared in my life. I feel hurt, by nothing but hurt and Ernext Hemingway once said
Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it-don't cheat with it.
So I will write with my hurt.
and dance it off because I feel like this all the time.
lonely, little and alive
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Coney Island
I am ready to show you how I dance. But will you watch.
I have been wondering how feelings work. How somebody can be so on and off. after a wonderful night filled with excitement, sexual chemistry, and more in common then I think I had with anybody. I still think have a chance with the one who tugs my heart on both sides. Do you want me or not? Come to the conclusion because you close yourself off the second you feel something. Why me? If you just stopped judging I would stop walking on egg shells around you and just be. It takes time. You can't decide in one day. Neither can I. WHo knows it might turn out the spark was then, and it's over now. or we could pick up wherewe left off. And it would be the best god damn love of your life. TAKE A CHANCE AND DO WHAT YOU FEEL.
I found a letter in the mailbox today
And I said, "thank you for your thoughts, but I'm done."
I said that I would never build this up right here
And he said, "that's why I can't work with you son."
~good old war
Monday. I could tell my mom is on edge. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to handle this. I am more scared then I am showing. I need to take my mind off of this. Somehow.
I don't want to be found.
I have been wondering how feelings work. How somebody can be so on and off. after a wonderful night filled with excitement, sexual chemistry, and more in common then I think I had with anybody. I still think have a chance with the one who tugs my heart on both sides. Do you want me or not? Come to the conclusion because you close yourself off the second you feel something. Why me? If you just stopped judging I would stop walking on egg shells around you and just be. It takes time. You can't decide in one day. Neither can I. WHo knows it might turn out the spark was then, and it's over now. or we could pick up wherewe left off. And it would be the best god damn love of your life. TAKE A CHANCE AND DO WHAT YOU FEEL.
I found a letter in the mailbox today
And I said, "thank you for your thoughts, but I'm done."
I said that I would never build this up right here
And he said, "that's why I can't work with you son."
~good old war
Monday. I could tell my mom is on edge. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to handle this. I am more scared then I am showing. I need to take my mind off of this. Somehow.
I don't want to be found.
She's my electric harmony
I am going to fall from now on. without hesitation.
New job today. at 3. I had one of the best nights last night. I am running on 0 sleep.
There is a world outside of you!
New job today. at 3. I had one of the best nights last night. I am running on 0 sleep.
There is a world outside of you!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Meet me on the equinox
this is a quick post. I am late to dance rehearsal.
But lately my head has been so cloudy. I am losing this sense of who I am. While staring at a supposed to happen meteor shower last night. I thought what am I living among, such beauty. All inspiration. I don't think it's weird that there are 1 billion stars above me. Yes I do. Quite contrary. If I do say so myself. I wonder where they came from. Where I came from. If there really is destiny then what was I put here to do. I am losing my sense of purpose I think. This seems to happen always when I get a year older. A year closer. M
My purpose is life. At it's full extent. To learn to be okay with myself and with my decisions. To find company and peace in my friends and family. To help other conquer all these same things. To fall in love with no boundaries. To make love and it be passionate amazing hard real and it never change. To never hurt myself or anybody else purposely. To feel things, really feel them. To tame my brain or just meet someone who has a brain on my weird level of craziness. Loco. I am content with where I am and where I am going. I am doing what I love to do everyday of my life. Dancing. I am running a team where I see my choreography come to life. I am working doing what I love and making money while doing what I love to do.... is what I need to do in my time.
I am scared. October 26th is around the bend. I always have things to look forward to. That's sort of what my life is based on. Everyones I think. People including myself don't know how to live in the now. I want everyone with me when I meet this woman. But I know I have to do it alone. My brothers, Taylor I want to be in a corner cafe waiting for me. Because I have never done something like this before. With so much fear and anticipation.
I need time alone with him to know exactly how I feel. I can't decided if it's desire in me to conquer something or if I still have those feelings I had.
I am sorry for hurting you, I am just not ready. I don't think I will ever be ready.
Now off to dance these thoughts off, get lost in music.
New Moon Soundtrack and Where The Wild Things Are soundtrack=<3
And today, I'm coming out.
But lately my head has been so cloudy. I am losing this sense of who I am. While staring at a supposed to happen meteor shower last night. I thought what am I living among, such beauty. All inspiration. I don't think it's weird that there are 1 billion stars above me. Yes I do. Quite contrary. If I do say so myself. I wonder where they came from. Where I came from. If there really is destiny then what was I put here to do. I am losing my sense of purpose I think. This seems to happen always when I get a year older. A year closer. M
My purpose is life. At it's full extent. To learn to be okay with myself and with my decisions. To find company and peace in my friends and family. To help other conquer all these same things. To fall in love with no boundaries. To make love and it be passionate amazing hard real and it never change. To never hurt myself or anybody else purposely. To feel things, really feel them. To tame my brain or just meet someone who has a brain on my weird level of craziness. Loco. I am content with where I am and where I am going. I am doing what I love to do everyday of my life. Dancing. I am running a team where I see my choreography come to life. I am working doing what I love and making money while doing what I love to do.... is what I need to do in my time.
I am scared. October 26th is around the bend. I always have things to look forward to. That's sort of what my life is based on. Everyones I think. People including myself don't know how to live in the now. I want everyone with me when I meet this woman. But I know I have to do it alone. My brothers, Taylor I want to be in a corner cafe waiting for me. Because I have never done something like this before. With so much fear and anticipation.
I need time alone with him to know exactly how I feel. I can't decided if it's desire in me to conquer something or if I still have those feelings I had.
I am sorry for hurting you, I am just not ready. I don't think I will ever be ready.
Now off to dance these thoughts off, get lost in music.
New Moon Soundtrack and Where The Wild Things Are soundtrack=<3
And today, I'm coming out.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Air Traffic
I could feel her breath as she’s sleeping next to me
Sharing pillows and cold feet
She can feel my heart; fell asleep to its beat
Under blankets and warm sheets
If only I could be in that bed again
If only it were me instead of him
One text can make my heart skip a beat. I am such a sucker for a sweet line, or a temporary feeling. Because I always see the good.
Where the Wild Things are made me feel like a child. All over again. I liked it. I am still a child at heart.
You're on my mind, love.
Sharing pillows and cold feet
She can feel my heart; fell asleep to its beat
Under blankets and warm sheets
If only I could be in that bed again
If only it were me instead of him
One text can make my heart skip a beat. I am such a sucker for a sweet line, or a temporary feeling. Because I always see the good.
Where the Wild Things are made me feel like a child. All over again. I liked it. I am still a child at heart.
You're on my mind, love.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Touch me inside out
But it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
Yes.
I am at the library. shhhhhh.
Yes.
I am at the library. shhhhhh.
Fidelity
It started out as a feeling
which then grew into a hope
which then turned into a quite though
which then turned into a quit word
And then that word grew louder and louder.
until it was battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
no need to say goodbye
just because everything's changing
doesn't mean it's never been this way before
all you can do it try to know who your friends are
as you head after the world
<3
which then grew into a hope
which then turned into a quite though
which then turned into a quit word
And then that word grew louder and louder.
until it was battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
no need to say goodbye
just because everything's changing
doesn't mean it's never been this way before
all you can do it try to know who your friends are
as you head after the world
<3
You're as crooked as the california coast line
I want to go to library and take out poetry books. I have been writing poetry a lot lately. I met somebody who really likes my poetry and lyrics and is putting amazing melodies to my words. It's really cool to have my feelings come alive, sung to me. It's like I am seeing myself from an outside view, singing to me. It is all in my head. And of course along with this recent gap of inspiration comes my art improving. My design teacher I didn't like at first but she plays this amazing african, Egyptian music while we paint and design in class. And it is doing something to me. I think I am coming onto something. Words of songs during art distract me. Because I am an analyzer I am thinking about the singer. I love music don't get me wrong. but me I think I read to much into it. That when I am trying to be creative and get what I am feeling on paper to portray through my art I need just music. Lead my mind to interpret it and think what I want. It is odd because when I am writing I like background music with words. Recently Friendly Fires, Rougue Wave, A Rocket to the Moon, Regina Spektor. Gasoline Heart.
Always: The Beatles, Mae, Nada Surf, Muse, Brand New, and Bob Dylan will always be my main man.
They all inspire. So Lately I'm just finding my place. It might not be where I feel safe. I will have to deal. I was here to inspire. I am here because I have been doing that. I want to feel things, and really show myself. Prove myself to myself. I stay busy, keep to myself, do things that make me feel so damn good inside. And life is about feeling OKAY with yourself. And I think today I can say.. I am ok!
Folding Chair - Regina Spektor. listen
Maybe one day you will understand, I don't want anything but to simply hold your hand.
Come and open up your folding chair next to mine.
Always: The Beatles, Mae, Nada Surf, Muse, Brand New, and Bob Dylan will always be my main man.
They all inspire. So Lately I'm just finding my place. It might not be where I feel safe. I will have to deal. I was here to inspire. I am here because I have been doing that. I want to feel things, and really show myself. Prove myself to myself. I stay busy, keep to myself, do things that make me feel so damn good inside. And life is about feeling OKAY with yourself. And I think today I can say.. I am ok!
Folding Chair - Regina Spektor. listen
Maybe one day you will understand, I don't want anything but to simply hold your hand.
Come and open up your folding chair next to mine.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Above Making Love Pity
When you're walking down town, do you wish i was there? do you wish it was me? and with the windows clear, and the mannequins eyes, do they all look like mine?
Paperback writer
After a long weekend spent mostly in the place that never sleeps. I don't even want to sleep. I love the feeling of people and people on every corner. And such a variety of people, different nationalities, beliefs, things to do for fun, talents, cultures. I love culture. Music in subways. Trains. Bridges, Architecture. I did a job in Central Park. Parked my car downtown. Took a cab uptown. And asked to be let out blocks early and I just walked to Central Park. My birth mother used to be a Nanny across from Central Park. She told me all about waking up. Being influenced to run through Central Park. Romantic picnics and boat rides with lovers. The city filled with City. Me and Taylor will get an apartment in the City or in Brooklyn. It will change my life, my ways. As I continue pursuing dance and work weekends and my career as a speech mythologist. I know I keep telling myself I don't need to be independent to pursue my career, I am doing just fine staying home and saving money. But I am a money saver besides my sick obsession with having to wear new clothes all the time, So I deserve to live out. PLus I have been working since I was 14. I need to get out, to see the world. saving for travels is more important. I plan on traveling the world. Soon. I don't want to be 80 traveling. I was to be 80, re-traveling all the spots I once went to when I was 20. That is why I have a savings account. Shopping account. Traveling account. and of course the dreadful, school books account. The account that gets the most usage is the books one because books are a billion dollars plus some now. Education=money. Blah. Loans loans loans= my most worries. I will be rich in a high position paying all them back, but until then. I worry.
I want tea. Passion fruit or early grey?
Tea therapy is my new thing. I have been reading so much on it. It is so interesting! The way you smell things and percieve them tells a lot about you apparently. Plus you can drink it when you are done. Those were the only lessons I paid attention to durings school. Counting with M&ms. Fatty.
..." words that used to have so much meaning are now so meaningless"
Do you know that we have bugs all over our bodies. little ones we can't see. Now i can't stop itching ever since I read this
Stumbleupon I hate you sometimes!
I want tea. Passion fruit or early grey?
Tea therapy is my new thing. I have been reading so much on it. It is so interesting! The way you smell things and percieve them tells a lot about you apparently. Plus you can drink it when you are done. Those were the only lessons I paid attention to durings school. Counting with M&ms. Fatty.
..." words that used to have so much meaning are now so meaningless"
Do you know that we have bugs all over our bodies. little ones we can't see. Now i can't stop itching ever since I read this
Stumbleupon I hate you sometimes!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
When I turn scarlet, remember me.
What runs through ones mind when she is trying to fall asleep. The loneliness that creeps into herself while it's dark. Her accomplishments of that day. Not the things, the images that formed throughout the past two days. Torn between right and wrong. She doesn't feel. She cant ever get to an answer because the images are blurry. I can't piece them together. Fighting, arguing. Wrongful words. Waking up in a bed I can't call my own. Letting people know how I feel. Images pop up and turn around. I am lost. I don't know how I got here. All the time I just go with the flow. She chooses based on her decision before that decision. I can't keep up with myself. And once again loneliness seeps in. With love all around me, the help seems unhelpful. It still feels alone. It is my existence, my purpose to be alone. Death will come and burden me of loneliness. I will be reminded of the loneliness as my last thought. The emptiness of my heart of non fulfillment. Never call her my friend. Only my mother. My emotions, are channeled on art. I choose my friends as my lovers. They are the road I choose. I get pushed away by the ones I am conditioned to love. It isn't real love. I choose my own way but there is no way out.
Blowin' in the Wind
How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
I want my answer blowing in the wind.
After my intense test anxiety (I was better as an art major) I think I did okay on my test. Due to the 14 hours I spent studying and missing a very good show. I like it when work is all over and I have time to play. But it is never over is it.
I can't imagine not having parents like mine. I can't imagine having "orderly" parents. When things have to be a special way. I think the disorderly and chaos I live in. It probably has a lot to do with why i save things for last minute and why my room half it time is turned upside down but I wouldn't have it any other way. Bob Dylan is an amazing singer/songwriter. wow. My friends parents are so on the surface that they don't see that their daughter just wants to break the lines that her sisters have followed. They don't see her talent in art and don't believe in her. And without their belief, it will be hard for her to believe in herself. Why don't people see the potential in artists ever. They don't see the chances that someone is taking, and the chance that person might make it through. It's all about chance. same thing with musicians. Dadadadamn. I need to start taking guitar lessons. I have taught myself as much as is capable. I am learning to read music but my ncc class is moving very slow.
I still haven't called my birthmother. She probably thinks I am the strangest human mystery being in the world. Which I am. So she will learn. I want October 26th of come and go. Because it is hanging over my head, eating away at me.
I am going to New Jersey this weekend to see my friend pantha and see how her college life is and hang out with some really awesome boys that we met a while ago. I just can't wait to get away, even if jersey is relatively close. It will still be away. I am working in central park on saturday and I don't think I have ever been so excited for a bat mitzvah in my whole life. I am really thankful for my coworker for getting me in with all these other dj's. It is great experience.
I started 4 months ago and I can't stop. I don't know what to do.
It ain't me you're looking for babe..
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
I want my answer blowing in the wind.
After my intense test anxiety (I was better as an art major) I think I did okay on my test. Due to the 14 hours I spent studying and missing a very good show. I like it when work is all over and I have time to play. But it is never over is it.
I can't imagine not having parents like mine. I can't imagine having "orderly" parents. When things have to be a special way. I think the disorderly and chaos I live in. It probably has a lot to do with why i save things for last minute and why my room half it time is turned upside down but I wouldn't have it any other way. Bob Dylan is an amazing singer/songwriter. wow. My friends parents are so on the surface that they don't see that their daughter just wants to break the lines that her sisters have followed. They don't see her talent in art and don't believe in her. And without their belief, it will be hard for her to believe in herself. Why don't people see the potential in artists ever. They don't see the chances that someone is taking, and the chance that person might make it through. It's all about chance. same thing with musicians. Dadadadamn. I need to start taking guitar lessons. I have taught myself as much as is capable. I am learning to read music but my ncc class is moving very slow.
I still haven't called my birthmother. She probably thinks I am the strangest human mystery being in the world. Which I am. So she will learn. I want October 26th of come and go. Because it is hanging over my head, eating away at me.
I am going to New Jersey this weekend to see my friend pantha and see how her college life is and hang out with some really awesome boys that we met a while ago. I just can't wait to get away, even if jersey is relatively close. It will still be away. I am working in central park on saturday and I don't think I have ever been so excited for a bat mitzvah in my whole life. I am really thankful for my coworker for getting me in with all these other dj's. It is great experience.
I started 4 months ago and I can't stop. I don't know what to do.
It ain't me you're looking for babe..
Monday, October 5, 2009
Too much monkey business
phew! I am exhausted. Busy day. Back on my grind. hahaa. Dance and work, no naps. Naps never go well for me. I start thinking I will fall asleep and slip into a comma for days because it is an abnormal time to go to bed. Then the night comes, and I get swept up. I like letting things just go. Go with the flow, but it always interrupts time for sleep. Sleep is overrated.
ever since I was a young girl, I have always been so sensitive. A sensitive little girl. I would come home, and the smallest things would bother me. I would do my homework at the dining room table before I was allowed to do anything, and my mind would just flood with little sensitive questions. Questions, about why someone would make up lies. Why someone would hurt someone else intentionally. I feel for others, sometimes more then I feel myself. Sensitive little girl still at 19 years old. When I hear something sometimes I want to lash back, but then I stop and think and know it will get me no where and they just keep looking because they obviously care.
I need to stay original. Not original style, art, act, dance. Original, like one of kind. I am not the same with anybody. My relationships when I do get serious with friends or dating, they are all personal. It is important to not be the same with anybody, because then it just reminds you of the one before or over rules the one before.
I want to help, I want to inspire I want people to relate. To me that is what I want to conquer in this life, and I am finally ready to embark on this journey. Scared and alone. I can do it.
ever since I was a young girl, I have always been so sensitive. A sensitive little girl. I would come home, and the smallest things would bother me. I would do my homework at the dining room table before I was allowed to do anything, and my mind would just flood with little sensitive questions. Questions, about why someone would make up lies. Why someone would hurt someone else intentionally. I feel for others, sometimes more then I feel myself. Sensitive little girl still at 19 years old. When I hear something sometimes I want to lash back, but then I stop and think and know it will get me no where and they just keep looking because they obviously care.
I need to stay original. Not original style, art, act, dance. Original, like one of kind. I am not the same with anybody. My relationships when I do get serious with friends or dating, they are all personal. It is important to not be the same with anybody, because then it just reminds you of the one before or over rules the one before.
I want to help, I want to inspire I want people to relate. To me that is what I want to conquer in this life, and I am finally ready to embark on this journey. Scared and alone. I can do it.
Attack of the 5 ft 10 women
Here I am wondering where my mind went this weekend. I let is step out of line. I let it catch up with my heart, not be two steps ahead. And once again I start a week ready to concentrate, determination, ambition and always that spontaneity. For me I see the big picture. I see that now I will be paying back loans for school, so why not take the best of it. Take full advantage of the college campus, clubs, library and use it to your advantage of doing better in school. That is my goal. So this June on time, I will be en route to nyc or la. A city that never sleeps. So I can fit right in.
Last night I had the best night in a really long time. My best friend slept over, and unlike our 7th grade sleepovers where we would stay up till the sun rose, and sleep the whole day away. We would call it "vegging". This time instead, we stayed up all night, talking, laughing, crying and fell asleep close to the suns awakening but then we had to both be up at 6. Her for work and me for school. It hit me today how I am living out the life. The life struggle. The life plan. I am such a not in the boundaries type of person that it slightly urks me that I am doing something regular. I want to change the world, and I've that mentality since I was 5. but I think I finally realized maybe I can't do that alone. I feel lonely lately. Nights like last night make me realize my supports.
Of course, like a lot of you. I am so self conscious. I am a prude. So me not doing things with guys, of course adds to the question of was it me or was it him. It adds that factor, of what if this happen. Would I feel comfortable. And I just beat myself over my body and my looks. It is so silly. Being surrounded by perfect body ballerinas since I was 5 doesn't help. I was always so comfortable. Change in front of 15 girls down to my birthday suit and I was fine. But when did that all change. When did this image of the body become this canvas for nothing. I feel like one day seriously everybody decided together it was time to be so hard on one another till we hurt ourselves. And I have been there. I have hurt myself, to make my body more perfect. It is sad. So sad. So low. At that point you truly feel by yourself. Because you alone are doing it to yourself, not letting anybody anybody know. Girls all over think this is the answer, and I can only imagine how they will never know different because once you start, it's hard to stop and once alone its hard to join again.
He brought a girl to my house. the night after I make it obvious that I still feel, still think, still am hurting. A girl. To be honest I said this to my mother. It made me realize the carelessness of his feelings for anybody but himself. And that is a huge turn off. So I said to myself, I will never think about him again. I wish it could be that easy. So I am for once not indecisive I have made up my mind. I can't care for someone on the surface and just tries to hard to be off the surface. But I am the only one in my head so I will just put it out, like it is easy. and maybe one day it will just go away. People always leave.
This life is a obstacle course laid out in front of you. Things are put in your way purposely for you to have to overcome them. I wonder sometimes when this obstacle course is going to end but without it. I would be bored.
I need a good life partner. Who sees the world as an odd of a place as I do. Who's mind stretches further than knowledge can comprehend but still tries to understand it. I need the person so stay up until dawn talking about it with me, I love those people.
I am listening to Bob Dylan, drifting off to a nap before my week of tests, showcases, dancing and beach adventures start. <3
I am so blessed to have such an amazing father. Talented, true, caring musician who knows what music is and where it comes from and who defines it. He sees something so little and knows how to turn it into something huge and beautiful. He makes my creative side working, willing and eager to learn, soak more. I am his sponge and he has so much information I wish I could print it on papers and spend my whole life learning it. He is exactly what he knows.
Still.. counting the days.
Still.. confused as ever.
Last night I had the best night in a really long time. My best friend slept over, and unlike our 7th grade sleepovers where we would stay up till the sun rose, and sleep the whole day away. We would call it "vegging". This time instead, we stayed up all night, talking, laughing, crying and fell asleep close to the suns awakening but then we had to both be up at 6. Her for work and me for school. It hit me today how I am living out the life. The life struggle. The life plan. I am such a not in the boundaries type of person that it slightly urks me that I am doing something regular. I want to change the world, and I've that mentality since I was 5. but I think I finally realized maybe I can't do that alone. I feel lonely lately. Nights like last night make me realize my supports.
Of course, like a lot of you. I am so self conscious. I am a prude. So me not doing things with guys, of course adds to the question of was it me or was it him. It adds that factor, of what if this happen. Would I feel comfortable. And I just beat myself over my body and my looks. It is so silly. Being surrounded by perfect body ballerinas since I was 5 doesn't help. I was always so comfortable. Change in front of 15 girls down to my birthday suit and I was fine. But when did that all change. When did this image of the body become this canvas for nothing. I feel like one day seriously everybody decided together it was time to be so hard on one another till we hurt ourselves. And I have been there. I have hurt myself, to make my body more perfect. It is sad. So sad. So low. At that point you truly feel by yourself. Because you alone are doing it to yourself, not letting anybody anybody know. Girls all over think this is the answer, and I can only imagine how they will never know different because once you start, it's hard to stop and once alone its hard to join again.
He brought a girl to my house. the night after I make it obvious that I still feel, still think, still am hurting. A girl. To be honest I said this to my mother. It made me realize the carelessness of his feelings for anybody but himself. And that is a huge turn off. So I said to myself, I will never think about him again. I wish it could be that easy. So I am for once not indecisive I have made up my mind. I can't care for someone on the surface and just tries to hard to be off the surface. But I am the only one in my head so I will just put it out, like it is easy. and maybe one day it will just go away. People always leave.
This life is a obstacle course laid out in front of you. Things are put in your way purposely for you to have to overcome them. I wonder sometimes when this obstacle course is going to end but without it. I would be bored.
I need a good life partner. Who sees the world as an odd of a place as I do. Who's mind stretches further than knowledge can comprehend but still tries to understand it. I need the person so stay up until dawn talking about it with me, I love those people.
I am listening to Bob Dylan, drifting off to a nap before my week of tests, showcases, dancing and beach adventures start. <3
I am so blessed to have such an amazing father. Talented, true, caring musician who knows what music is and where it comes from and who defines it. He sees something so little and knows how to turn it into something huge and beautiful. He makes my creative side working, willing and eager to learn, soak more. I am his sponge and he has so much information I wish I could print it on papers and spend my whole life learning it. He is exactly what he knows.
Still.. counting the days.
Still.. confused as ever.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Couples in love in the HOV lane
Everybody just wants to have something.
That is it. I just want to feel everything when everything feels wrong with me.
That is it.
There is so much beauty is this world that I think my heart might cave in.
My heart it open, so take it.
Thoughts.
Where do they come from. Those were my thoughts in 5 seconds. Those were sincere thoughts, thinking about what I wanted to think. I wish I could just really write down what I am thinking for a whole day. I would diagnose myself with crazy. Right away. ahhaha. I've been falling lately, sweetly falling. For to many boys though. And one by one I will shoot them each off the list. And go back to the one I want the most. Like a hunter, who kills deer but really wants a bear. Just to satisfy the temporary crave. I crave a bear. My bear. face. But why do I want the one who doesn't want me back. because I think he might be the only person I think is completely off the surface. There is a side of me that thinks that he is off the surface. Real confused. Then there's that part that thinks he's so on the surface, cares about himself, insecure, unreliable, likes attention. I wonder. I will never know. Wonder woman can't even help that boy. It's not my normal attraction, lust. It's deeper. It's like this chemical balance in my head needs to be near him. To feel comfortable. The second he walks in a room, I of get that butterfly feelings. But then I feel completely relaxed. It's like he is my Jasper. But he wants nothing to do with me. Because I am crazier then him. I don't think anyone, not even me. Would know what it would actually be like. It would be so sweet, sweet love. real love. feeling love. love that you feel all over not just in your stomach. But maybe not. I will never know. He will never let me get close to that heart again.
I am meeting her October 26th. Fuck. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. Last night my "half sister" taylor went to homecoming dance and for the first time I felt like a big sister. Giving her advice about 12th grade boys and who to trust and what to do. It was nice. But different. Still figuring this out. But I feel so found. So undiscovered.
I love my mother. She is my best friend. She is this light in the room. Thoughtful and caring, would seriously do anything for anyone. I see it with her helping my brother. It drives her crazy eats away at her. We are her children. No matter what I came from, what nationality I am. WHo I am. I am hers. She is the reason I am the who I am. Together we are free spirited, over thinkers, analyzers.
Last night I did a Party in NJ. The kids were so fun. It's pathetic but I had so much fun I felt like a guest at the party. Except they didn't feed me. I was hungry. I snuck a roll. Shh. I have so many jobs coming up. I am really moving up in this company. It feels so god damn good. It is about time.
Lately my mind has just been traveling in endless circles around one another, wearing me away. I am hurting myself. But with this craziness comes this side of me that just pushes. Pushes to make myself a better person. This isn't a diary more like me documenting things. Because my diary holds my thoughts, this holds my feelings. you would think the opposite.
I want to go lay on my hammock and paint listening to the rocket summer.
We have all got something that won't go away.
That is it. I just want to feel everything when everything feels wrong with me.
That is it.
There is so much beauty is this world that I think my heart might cave in.
My heart it open, so take it.
Thoughts.
Where do they come from. Those were my thoughts in 5 seconds. Those were sincere thoughts, thinking about what I wanted to think. I wish I could just really write down what I am thinking for a whole day. I would diagnose myself with crazy. Right away. ahhaha. I've been falling lately, sweetly falling. For to many boys though. And one by one I will shoot them each off the list. And go back to the one I want the most. Like a hunter, who kills deer but really wants a bear. Just to satisfy the temporary crave. I crave a bear. My bear. face. But why do I want the one who doesn't want me back. because I think he might be the only person I think is completely off the surface. There is a side of me that thinks that he is off the surface. Real confused. Then there's that part that thinks he's so on the surface, cares about himself, insecure, unreliable, likes attention. I wonder. I will never know. Wonder woman can't even help that boy. It's not my normal attraction, lust. It's deeper. It's like this chemical balance in my head needs to be near him. To feel comfortable. The second he walks in a room, I of get that butterfly feelings. But then I feel completely relaxed. It's like he is my Jasper. But he wants nothing to do with me. Because I am crazier then him. I don't think anyone, not even me. Would know what it would actually be like. It would be so sweet, sweet love. real love. feeling love. love that you feel all over not just in your stomach. But maybe not. I will never know. He will never let me get close to that heart again.
I am meeting her October 26th. Fuck. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. Last night my "half sister" taylor went to homecoming dance and for the first time I felt like a big sister. Giving her advice about 12th grade boys and who to trust and what to do. It was nice. But different. Still figuring this out. But I feel so found. So undiscovered.
I love my mother. She is my best friend. She is this light in the room. Thoughtful and caring, would seriously do anything for anyone. I see it with her helping my brother. It drives her crazy eats away at her. We are her children. No matter what I came from, what nationality I am. WHo I am. I am hers. She is the reason I am the who I am. Together we are free spirited, over thinkers, analyzers.
Last night I did a Party in NJ. The kids were so fun. It's pathetic but I had so much fun I felt like a guest at the party. Except they didn't feed me. I was hungry. I snuck a roll. Shh. I have so many jobs coming up. I am really moving up in this company. It feels so god damn good. It is about time.
Lately my mind has just been traveling in endless circles around one another, wearing me away. I am hurting myself. But with this craziness comes this side of me that just pushes. Pushes to make myself a better person. This isn't a diary more like me documenting things. Because my diary holds my thoughts, this holds my feelings. you would think the opposite.
I want to go lay on my hammock and paint listening to the rocket summer.
We have all got something that won't go away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
