"I just can't decide"

                     I make these pre planned days of waking up, going to class, library, gallery, nap, homework, dinner, study, paint. But then I wake up, and except for class, I don't do one thing right. Not that I don't do my work, because I do. But out of order, fun first, library for longer. At the end of the day I find myself going, look at what I just did I like to be okay with my whole day. But still everyday I make these to-do's. I've always been a planner, especially when it's something I am anxious for. But recently I have let go. Spontaneity has not only taken over my free time, but my work time too. I don't read the paperwork for bar mitzvahs anymore, I just go and read the people while I'm there. Everything will just fall into place. I don't have much, but what I do have I cherish greatly. I have realized I like having my own things recently. Groups, plans are great. But getting an unexpected something, that only you get is so so nice. I wonder something what I will be like married with kids. What is going to be to myself. Besides the fact I will stay in great shape and do bar mitzvahs until I am 35 pretending I am still 24 I don't know. I always need a side thing. No, I am not a cheater or deceiving. I just like my own things. Belongings, people, not everybody intertwined with everybody else. My personal space and unknown. Unknown is sexy. I never really know what to say, when all of my emotions get in the way. I'm just trying to get on the same page. I always get it right, afterwards. When all the wrong impressions are said and heard, why can I never find the right words? I am indecisive with futures, days, mornings, bed times, boys, feelings, family, thoughts. If you stepped into my brain it would easily confused you. Its like that devil angel thing, but with want and needs. Desires and disgust. Going or staying. Home or out. Good and bad. Off and on. Surfaced and deep.