Give' em hell, Little rebel

It's never been more perfect being alive, I've never been so satisfied...


I can't really grasp the concept of what a degree holds, and how future jobs are held in what degree you had. But I have sucked up the past 2 years to get my Associates in Liberal Arts and English. Soo now that I have a degree to tell myself that I love writing, here comes the future. School for what I want, passion every day. I've been searching for this 19 years. Welcome.

I'm going to go to Buffalo next week, visit my half sister. There is something in blood that is so rare. And I could use a different atmosphere with a diary, different air, energy. Tomorrow is my first meeting to that production of these shirts, I'm not sure what to bring, where to start but I will go brave and all. I like the sweet summer, where nights are spent outside, talking about these memories that I hold so close with these people that I'm afraid to leave. I got so lucky with these friends, they are more then that, they bring me out of my soul. Impossible usually.


Just leave me your stardust to remember you by...
Good luck, I hope you see intention over action. Two weeks that's all it took, and if nothing good came out of this. At least I know there is still feeling left in me. "You brought my love back from the dead..." (ah music, it identifies all the feelings you can't put words on). I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I have proof that it was real. That's why I keep a diary, and now People Just Always Leave... I wish you all the luck and success in your future because you dear, deserve it. SF


I could love you...




I like the new Louie Vuittons like I can't stop...wanting. California will satisfy this clothing hunger. Living in the world of fashion, Los Angeles has it all I hope. The west coast has my heart.

East coast vs Fashion dreams

When I was 13, along with all the other stupid quotes I wrote on my wall.. It says 'California Dreams'. And 1 week ago I found out, it is possible.


So now that this summer, is my goodbye of a summer. Reality hits in October, real fashion, real competition. I can't say I'm not scared shitless. When you are at a college that isn't a school made for people with this passion, it's easier to think you are good at it. I'm going to a school where, it's just fashion. I wonder sometimes, if this is everything I wanted?

FIDM, LA


I had such a great weekend. Me Emily and Rebecca went thrifting on Thursday,  found some pieces. Sequence dress, runway rejects tshirt and some Vincent Cammuto stunning heels. So beautiful. We had drinks in Brooklyn, Brooklyn pizza at 2am was inevitable, met some old friends in Brooklyn and walked the beautiful city that I will be 3000 miles away ... that I took such advantage of being 30 miles away. My city that never sleeps, hopping on a train at midnight and my night being unknown but always something. That night I went to a friends house late, just people in a backyard. It ended messy. Men and their strong egos results in ugly things. I wrote my admissions essay and finally finished my never ending admissions project. Now I just have to wait and wait for placement. Nerves. I went to Bamboozle road show to see a friends band. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. Third Eye Blind was there! Good Charlotte, haha It was like I was in middle school again, it was a good kind of rush.

Now as for Red Closet, we are officially a company. Red Closet Couture LLC. It is so exciting to be protected. I have been meeting with people about the future and they see such great depths in this, and understand my visions and end products and it is surprising me to deep ends. They like the work, and want in. It's hard deciding who and what to chose but I know I have to make smart decisions. My follow up meeting is on wednesday to decide on ink, and the final placements of the graphics. then I play the waiting game, and see the end result in July 28th. p a t i e n c e ...

Unknown, but I am happy.

sing a hymn to the setting sky

That build up before you cry, the feeling in your chest when you feel it coming on.  When you finally let go and realize you have no control over the emotion that you're feeling. It's the silence inside your head that questions if you want to halt this or just let it be, let it be, let it be.  


I always wonder if strange and unprepared is what the whole rest of the world feels. Or just little old me, the girl left out of the popular table in 4th grade. Then the girl who had more friends that she could count on her fingers and toes... and then the realization I want the friends who you can count on. Not list more on you AIM profile. I always wondered what made me feel short.


I'm 20, and I feel like I haven't grown up. I've changed. Became better, but in some ways my habits have taken over my well being and I've become worse. It's feeling young when you are so old. But I've diagnosed myself many years ago, I think to much. A diagnosis that has led to misconceptions, theories that drive people away. But also, it has led me to passion. Passion and desire that if I didn't have today, I am not sure where I would be.


There is off the surface.


I am happy I am not on the surface.




Are there any surfaces?



We all posses these individualities, but where do they come from? If you're so different then your parents how did you learn these? Innocence fades at a more younger age these days. I still feel soft, naive and innocent. But I can't kick a bad habit if I tried.


Break into me. She whispers in her head. Drives her car the same way, fast and unconcerned with the next time you have to press the brake. Blasting a song that you feel does something to you, but not to anybody else. But if you got the right person in there, they would feel it too.


Misconceptions. We're full of them. Maybe it should be me. Why do you run from me? You might deny it but we're all tied to our desires. But why do I desire freedom and wind in my hair. I have these images in my head, these quotes, these theories that I can't get rid of. It all ties back to desire and habit. 




It's 4 in the morning, I'm naked and staring at the wall is my only room. I swear to your beauty, I'm sorry that I'm so messed up. Don't hate me I'm under the ground.....




I could say I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I have found friends that can hear a song and understand what I'm feeling even if they don't comply. I could smoke myself into an oblivion and still feel comfortable with them even if I can't feel my toes. I could laugh until it hurts with strangers, I have just been blessed with an easy persuasive heart. 


I fall in love with fictional characters and act like they really exist. When there is no Garden State love, or vampires, and not enough people that believe the boat car man. But I am religious to them. Maybe somethings in the water, tell us if we've gone to far.


You always put yourself first. My brothers would tell me, "You think the world revolves around you". But I've learned to meet in the middle, be there for the ones who are there for me and fall short on the ones who prove untrue. Lucky me, I've gotten a lot true. But still I have an insatiable heart.


I don't see something, or enjoy it while it's in front of me. When it leaves I ache and dwell on  what we had. I may have an easy heart, but I have a fucking hard ass mind. complex and simplicity


I've learned to find my place to hide, my circus of rust and lies.


I keep the ones that I don't want the closest, and let the good ones get away. Or drive my mind great distances to let them know how I feel.


I'm a loner. I was born that way. Another bad habit on my lists of cigarettes, easy hearts and false presumptions and a head full of way to much desire.


So what does she do?


She goes with it.. I got into FIDM, why not just pick up and leave. I've never been scared of being aloe, or feeling small in a place of such great heights. So I'll go. Spend 3 months of hope in this company I've found all my time invested in. Keep dancing because that's what keeps me grounded. Fix my heart, miss you like hell. Go back to my old ways of playing it hard. And hope another you, or you come back. I guess that's life. Chance to chance. Feel to feel. Just never think you think to much until you're capable of capacity of 1000 thoughts a minute. Worst to best. Until you shake and build up that feel before you cry... where all these thoughts branched from.





This world of desire and change, there's nothing less RADIANT. 

A driving girl with endless skies on mind

music on a gloomy day


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oW4bSqgaQ3o


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnuYWr4exlA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nSMwjnKQ1I&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRt_iOAQCUQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1Ljf_Lwd0U&feature=related



“What is the feeling when you’re driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -it’s the too huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies” – Kerou

take off black rose

"My love is like a red red wine. A sacrament, exquisite and hard to find. The gladiolas in slow motion, the scar of tulips in the snow. My love is like a red red rose coveted, expensive and hard to grow"




take off rocketship.

Sleeping on a roof colored for sweet june

7 page catalog - 38 shirts, 4 sweatshirts, cover page, business spread.


Getting support from your family, whether or not you admit it or not; has a huge effect on your feelings about it. After showing my friends, and having an excuse to stay up late, have a fire pit and toast glass after glass of wine to it, I came home. I put it on my counter with a note saying   "This is all my dreams wrapped up into 5 pages." I got woken up by my mother with tears in her eyes, she said she was taken back by how beautiful it was and business particular I was. 

Phase one; complete.


it has never felt so sweet
growing up


follow your lifelong dreams.

Exist wildly

When I think about five years from now, I only see one direction. The direction where I can look at something a million times. Like when singers produce amazing songs and they play on repeat for days. All I see is this fantasy land of clothing in my head, go down on paper. I've always half put myself into something. Some say it's good because I have a lot to put on my resume. But really what is this passion driven behind my mental state? I have been saving for a company since I started getting allowance at age 11. And clothes seem to be what I'm good at. Dressing, finding, thrifting, making, cutting, sewing, drawing, daydreaming about fashion. It's where my nerves snap out of this anxious trap and run free. In front of a computer, doodling little pictures of outfits. Matching colors and designing cads. So five years from now... this wonderland will exist for you all to see.

every little girl fantasy
is coming true
thanks to me
and thanks to you

Elliott has made this possible and for that I am everlasting humble.

Red Closet Couture
creations made in a bedroom past bedtimes with too much coffee. just running on ideas and imagination.


I love this life and everyone who is supportive of it

Mind games color outside the lines

We all are such misguided ghosts, we listen to this inner voice inside of our small heads where nothing stands correct. We follow a list of unwritten rules when it comes to thinking. Thinking itself should be outlawed. I could go on and pretend the month didn't happen, but I'm human and I break every rule when t comes to thinking. I just let my mind run wild. People always leave. I've been running from this idea but in fact it follows me around. I'm just not going to share it anymore, with anyone. Maybe it's the energy I'm putting out there that it's coming around. I was left idle and waiting with no explanation from someone who didn't even know my favorite color. But I fell, I allowed this caged up heart to seep through and actually feel something, just to have it pulled out from underneath me. Like in those magic tricks where they pull out the table cloth but somehow all the silverware stays there. I'm still here; in East Meadow. While your hundreds of miles away, all the silverware is in the same spot except I have nothing to be comfortable on. Is it really just comfort? I have no one to confide in, listen to. Care about. Congratulations I feel like you won a contest, you made me fall and did to me what I guess I deserve. I guess I'm on the edge of a breakdown because the start you promised this wouldn't happen. Leaving geographically and realistically are two different things. You took the realistic road before you set sail to the west. The real question I keep replaying in my head, is this everything you've ever wanted?

Letters from silver lake

“The traveler sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he has come to see.”
- Chesterton




I believe in the make believe...





sleep in make believe land

Note to self

Ever wake up... wonder why you are here. what your purpose is, if your living it right. and what to do it next. I do.. everyday. So I put on my monday face. 

Happy June 11th. I have a lot on my plate, directionless and lost in confusion. but I am driven off indecision. Being unsure of where you go tomorrow is kind of what I live for today. The kind of feeling when you don't realize it until you are in a dark place and you look at someone with a new kind of light. Then you realize you're in love with your best friend. and that day on, you can't look at the person the same way ever again. Taking something back is impossible and that scares the shit out of me. but at the same time it keeps me awake. I never met my birth mother, and I always wondered. but that day I was contacted, there was no changing that. All those questions were answering.

I need someone with something to offer. If you have nothing, go search the ocean to the stars until you find it. Because we all have something, so dig it out. Dig.

I have plenty of time, and i'd like to pick apart your body and learn it like the back of my hand so no matter where we end up, we can map out each other so perfectly.



In the morning when I smoke my cigarettes I think of the times we spent along side, talking over coffee, frustrating over what movie to watch. you and your guitar, me and my dancing shoes we never had it right but to this day it never felt wrong.  -Rld

p u t  m e  o n  a  p l a n e  f l y  m e  t o  a n y w h e r e . .

Harmless heart weeks

not
so
quick
found
out
found
out.


Theory: You aren't who you make yourself out to be

Red Letter

I Love The Rain..

Ppl Alwys Lev

the world is like a science
and I'm like a secret
But i'll be true to you. . .


It's 4am. and it aches when you wake up in a place you don't remember falling asleep in and you realize the dreams of him and it being sweet was just a figment of this complex imagination and secret world I want to live in. because there is nothing on your callback zone. I seem to always give my heart to bad intentions. It's because to me, they're so much I want.
Just Let It Be


I guess I fell in love with a misguided ghost
so now I must fall in love with work...

Chasing fired dragons

Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.


I want it all, but is 'all' to big. Anything could be possible.




Little dreamer    -  s


begin
shooting.
pictures with soul
ideas becoming scenes
the scent of life
sparks of realism
surrealism too.
more then just clothing
you wear it to know
you
are
it
website to another world
rcc




little dreamer need to turn to face reality
good energy




twirlS

Singularity meets me in a blue dress

Satisfied in the satisfaction for the wanting of more.
You make me hungry for a glimpse.

My heart seems to be full and healthy but to be I am once again, a robot.
I finally talked to her about the feelings toward her mom, I wonder if I am misunderstood or shadowed looking as an outsider... looking in on me. I want to be able to have that sisterly bond, but I run from doubts and being scared of being left. Taylor Minarcin ... I'm sorry I am running, I love you and since I've met you I've felt one step closer to clarity. Time will make it right.

On the opposite hand, my heart is being rushed my technicolor desire by someone who doesn't need to say things but I know he is thinking them. He fills my doubt and I feel so satisfied in the comfort. There is a tide that pulls me in.. and then I get pushed away because my sweet lust is moving to the West. I am nervous, but for once I want to practice what I preach I want to learn to just live now. Let him take me under his wing and his energy to places undiscovered and love that can grow tall. Doubt is just something that should happen before you pass.. not when you are young and so full of the right kind of charisma. He makes that questionable side that I am missing something, come closer to being cured. He shivers me with touch and has dark stages that I want to hear about.  I want endless nights.. I want to drive miles to feel him and I want to believe that if you let it go.. and you want it still... my heart could come west to you. You're beautiful and you deserve everything you've ever wanted.

Graduating in 2 months... nervous. Next step? l o s t i n t h e o v e r c a s t


My girlfriends are becoming full circle, after a few tickles at the friend question we are learning to grow and still stay close. I have been blessed with friends who can make me belly laugh but stand in a crowded place and know what you're thinking by the tilt of your smile.
But I still miss her, and the best friend she proved to be. Maybe she's supposed to be a sister in law, not a sister. Something is stopping me from contacting her but she is all that's on my mind. I miss her most when it rains.