Couples in love in the HOV lane

Everybody just wants to have something.

That is it. I just want to feel everything when everything feels wrong with me.
That is it.
There is so much beauty is this world that I think my heart might cave in.
My heart it open, so take it.

Thoughts.
Where do they come from. Those were my thoughts in 5 seconds. Those were sincere thoughts, thinking about what I wanted to think. I wish I could just really write down what I am thinking for a whole day. I would diagnose myself with crazy. Right away. ahhaha. I've been falling lately, sweetly falling. For to many boys though. And one by one I will shoot them each off the list. And go back to the one I want the most. Like a hunter, who kills deer but really wants a bear. Just to satisfy the temporary crave. I crave a bear. My bear. face. But why do I want the one who doesn't want me back. because I think he might be the only person I think is completely off the surface. There is a side of me that thinks that he is off the surface. Real confused. Then there's that part that thinks he's so on the surface, cares about himself, insecure, unreliable, likes attention. I wonder. I will never know. Wonder woman can't even help that boy. It's not my normal attraction, lust. It's deeper. It's like this chemical balance in my head needs to be near him. To feel comfortable. The second he walks in a room, I of get that butterfly feelings. But then I feel completely relaxed. It's like he is my Jasper. But he wants nothing to do with me. Because I am crazier then him. I don't think anyone, not even me. Would know what it would actually be like. It would be so sweet, sweet love. real love. feeling love. love that you feel all over not just in your stomach. But maybe not. I will never know. He will never let me get close to that heart again.
I am meeting her October 26th. Fuck. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. Last night my "half sister" taylor went to homecoming dance and for the first time I felt like a big sister. Giving her advice about 12th grade boys and who to trust and what to do. It was nice. But different. Still figuring this out. But I feel so found. So undiscovered.
I love my mother. She is my best friend. She is this light in the room. Thoughtful and caring, would seriously do anything for anyone. I see it with her helping my brother. It drives her crazy eats away at her. We are her children. No matter what I came from, what nationality I am. WHo I am. I am hers. She is the reason I am the who I am. Together we are free spirited, over thinkers, analyzers.
Last night I did a Party in NJ. The kids were so fun. It's pathetic but I had so much fun I felt like a guest at the party. Except they didn't feed me. I was hungry. I snuck a roll. Shh. I have so many jobs coming up. I am really moving up in this company. It feels so god damn good. It is about time.
Lately my mind has just been traveling in endless circles around one another, wearing me away. I am hurting myself. But with this craziness comes this side of me that just pushes. Pushes to make myself a better person. This isn't a diary more like me documenting things. Because my diary holds my thoughts, this holds my feelings. you would think the opposite.
I want to go lay on my hammock and paint listening to the rocket summer.
We have all got something that won't go away.