Attack of the 5 ft 10 women

Here I am wondering where my mind went this weekend. I let is step out of line. I let it catch up with my heart, not be two steps ahead. And once again I start a week ready to concentrate, determination, ambition and always that spontaneity. For me I see the big picture. I see that now I will be paying back loans for school, so why not take the best of it. Take full advantage of the college campus, clubs, library and use it to your advantage of doing better in school. That is my goal. So this June on time, I will be en route to nyc or la. A city that never sleeps. So I can fit right in.
Last night I had the best night in a really long time. My best friend slept over, and unlike our 7th grade sleepovers where we would stay up till the sun rose, and sleep the whole day away. We would call it "vegging". This time instead, we stayed up all night, talking, laughing, crying and fell asleep close to the suns awakening but then we had to both be up at 6. Her for work and me for school. It hit me today how I am living out the life. The life struggle. The life plan. I am such a not in the boundaries type of person that it slightly urks me that I am doing something regular. I want to change the world, and I've that mentality since I was 5. but I think I finally realized maybe I can't do that alone. I feel lonely lately. Nights like last night make me realize my supports.
Of course, like a lot of you. I am so self conscious. I am a prude. So me not doing things with guys, of course adds to the question of was it me or was it him. It adds that factor, of what if this happen. Would I feel comfortable. And I just beat myself over my body and my looks. It is so silly. Being surrounded by perfect body ballerinas since I was 5 doesn't help. I was always so comfortable. Change in front of 15 girls down to my birthday suit and I was fine. But when did that all change. When did this image of the body become this canvas for nothing. I feel like one day seriously everybody decided together it was time to be so hard on one another till we hurt ourselves. And I have been there. I have hurt myself, to make my body more perfect. It is sad. So sad. So low. At that point you truly feel by yourself. Because you alone are doing it to yourself, not letting anybody anybody know. Girls all over think this is the answer, and I can only imagine how they will never know different because once you start, it's hard to stop and once alone its hard to join again.
He brought a girl to my house. the night after I make it obvious that I still feel, still think, still am hurting. A girl. To be honest I said this to my mother. It made me realize the carelessness of his feelings for anybody but himself. And that is a huge turn off. So I said to myself, I will never think about him again. I wish it could be that easy. So I am for once not indecisive I have made up my mind. I can't care for someone on the surface and just tries to hard to be off the surface. But I am the only one in my head so I will just put it out, like it is easy. and maybe one day it will just go away. People always leave.
This life is a obstacle course laid out in front of you. Things are put in your way purposely for you to have to overcome them. I wonder sometimes when this obstacle course is going to end but without it. I would be bored.
I need a good life partner. Who sees the world as an odd of a place as I do. Who's mind stretches further than knowledge can comprehend but still tries to understand it. I need the person so stay up until dawn talking about it with me, I love those people.


I am listening to Bob Dylan, drifting off to a nap before my week of tests, showcases, dancing and beach adventures start. <3

I am so blessed to have such an amazing father. Talented, true, caring musician who knows what music is and where it comes from and who defines it. He sees something so little and knows how to turn it into something huge and beautiful. He makes my creative side working, willing and eager to learn, soak more. I am his sponge and he has so much information I wish I could print it on papers and spend my whole life learning it. He is exactly what he knows.

Still.. counting the days.
Still.. confused as ever.