Ballerina feet

I never know what to say, I know what I am thinking and I know how to do what I want. But when I have to explain something, or tell someone how I am feeling. I am a loss for words. It's like my head is this different part of me. Not attached. Doesn't think. Just does. It could be a good thing, but not when you are dealing with people who need to be explained what you are feeling or else they want nothing to do with you or are feeling smothered. Why is it that there are a billion people surrounding this earth, with alike hobbies, alike families, alike problems. But I want to spend time with the one person who thinks I am loco (motive) and who really in the end could only be described as mean to me. A big bully. A boy bully. I don't know. I feel so lonely lately. I am doing this, dancing 5 days a week and working Bat Mitzvahs as lead, so the money flow is nice. But me I am never satisfied. But I've felt this way my whole life. Sometimes I ask for advice and this person is standing in front of me and all in their thoughts is helping me, advice, true experience I have bee through it I want to make you feel better advice, and I don't listen. I don't know how to listen all I am thinking about is my anxiety, how my toes hurt, my tailbones broken and I haven't told anybody because I need to dance to feel all right, and how I got ditched for smiley face pancakes, and I want to call my birth mother up to tell her to cancel but I don't have guts. I can't even call the doctor to make my own appointments because sometimes I am nothing but a coward.
I wonder how easy people work. The people who go with the flow. I probably looked like one of them in high school. sports, dance, homecoming, friends, parties, new clothes. But I was never and will never be easy.
I feel like when I get high, I evaporate into this normal human. I can have hour conversations about a great new movie or a band. When I am sober, its like I want to talk about life and feelings and try and figure out why the earth spins and how we were created. WIth most people the the opposite. I am just far from normal if there is a normal.
My phone won't stop beeping. I should probably answer these text messages being it takes me 20 years to respond back saying what I need to say on my 1920s house phone I carry around. Totally makes it easier with my inability to ever make sense of what my brain is thinking. I just let my fingers bumble a bunch of words together.
This house isn't making this condition any better. My beautiful mother heart broken by her son who just continues and continues to fall apart by the mention of this medicine. I can't deal with it anymore. He will be gone on monday. for training for this new job. So at least when this new woman comes into my life that my mom is hiding how scared she is, she will only have one thing to deal with .. not 2 problem children.
It is 10 on a saturday night and I truly just want to stay in turn on a movie and relax for my first lead dancer job tomorrow but I have this idea in my head, that I should be out. So I will go and dress up like max from where the wild things are and show m y face at a party that all these text messages are saying I should be there already. And I have just ignored them for the past... 2 hours. Ugh. Why do I do this. Maybe tonight I will meet a girl who wants to change the world with me, or a boy who will sing me sweet lullabies in my times of insomnia.

Scarlett Johansson's new album is quite relaxing. Total starbucks music. I have enjoyed it the past 2 days.


These next two days I can't tell where my head is going to be, but I do feel like I have no one but my diaries to talk to about it, But my nerves are all over the place. I have never been so fucking scared in my life. I feel hurt, by nothing but hurt and Ernext Hemingway once said

Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it-don't cheat with it.

So I will write with my hurt.


and dance it off because I feel like this all the time.




lonely, little and alive