Movie life back drop

We've all got something that won't go away.
For me these muttered words by a beautiful voice, since the first time I heard them a little less than a year ago. Have done something. It's something I have been trying to get out of me the right way for 6 years. Since I finally decided I am me, myself and I am only in control of my thoughts and process and no one can ever take that away. And even though I might think about it more than others, it is what it is. If others stopped and thought about it as much as I did, they would probably come to the conclusion that we all truly have something, some sort of niche or what they think is different then the other billion brains out there. That they simply cannot get rid of. That they cannot heal, cure, mend, satisfy, relate too. I just accept it and deal with it.
As an outsider I step back sometimes. I wish I could snap my fingers and make myself invisible so in my own head experiment it would be scientifically correct, and I would not be the observer that makes everything different. Even though in a room full of people I don't have that impact. But I wish I could just be a wallflower, because I love watching people interact. Or watch a really great band live and see what that particular song, lyric, lyricist, music, piano does to them. At that moment.
I am all about setting up the moment. I wish I could say I just am a go with the flow person. Which slightly I am because spontaneity is something I tend to get in trouble for in the end. But I want to live in the glorified movies they play on repeat on all the movie channels that I get sucked into watching again and again. I wonder why I am such a movie person. And it is simply because I like to live a movie life LIFE.. I love it when sentences have the same word twice and make sense.
I write in my diary every god damn day. I can go back to 1998 and tell you how I was feeling when I was 8 years old on my first entry when my mom told me that I should write in a diary because I finally saw a movie when a young boy got killed, and I realized that boy will never be able to live to have kids, or a job, or a family, pets, school, career, experience, fun, mistakes, attraction, puberty nothing. It hit me like a truck. Knowing that, that may possible could be me. And as a 8,9 year old what do I have to show for it. But a photo album and an upset family crying over the what could've been with me. So I thought if I write how I am feeling, thinking, doing, wanting, hurting then people will know me. Know who I was. What I was doing. Because you aren't always who you put off. I have learned this recently. Mostly in the boys category. But with my girlfriends as well. Friends for years, I have realized that people can put off pretend what they are for a long time. So long that they start to believe it is actually who they are. Why. You are living this life to find out who you are and learn and accept to be okay with it. So just be okay with it and go with it. Learn who you are and make mistakes and lies and oopsies to be a better person. With better people around you. Don't put off who you want to be. Put off and do what you want to do.
As I was watching a band that I was honestly looking forward to seeing for weeks when I find out they were playing near by again. I invited my best friend. Who I drive down Southern State Parkway, beach and back "beach runs" and blast red letter through her shitty stereo. It does something to my heart. That feeling of you thoughts brain coming to life in speakers with beautiful talent, producers and voices and instruments that set you mood. And knowing that no matter what he is singing about. It is what oyu are hearing. What it does to you. Mainly. I've heard the song, so many times. Seeing what it does to me, and seeing what it does to Julia. Same reaction, well similar. But complete different relations. so today live for her for the first time, I scurried back so I wasn't in her peripheral vision, and I just watched her watching this song not come out of her stereo speakers but out of the mans voice. Wondering if it would change for her, wondering where her head was at. How it was hurting her or pushing her or moving her. It was one of the most interesting things I have ever witnessed. And the best part of it, was I didn't know. I jsut created this idea of what I thought it was doing to her.
I came home, got iced coffee with someone who I really like. A boy who I am completely 100 myself in front of and not afraid of it at all. Who I don't set up movie scenes with, who I just let flow with. Those are the guys who always fall in love with. and I ditch to the curb because I'm human and I want what I can't have. But I am done doing that. If someone sees you for you and likes it. Hell if you can feel it too, really feel it. Then just go with it. Because the result could be absolutely beautiful. I talked with him for 3 hours, about so many things a lot of what I a, writing about right now. And he made me feel so god damn good and not alone. Completely off the surface depth, similar. I want to keep writing.
Tomorrow is the big day. I wish right now I can meet her because I am in such an amazing, talking, alive kind of mood. That I just want new experiences right now.
I will go to sleep tonight. and this will be the last night dreaming of what I think she looks like, what I think she acts like. Tomorrow, unless something goes wrong (I hope not) I will meet the woman who gives birth to me. And even though that scares me half to death and there is a huge part of me that still wants to cancel and not show. And there are a lot ofpeople doubting that I actually will show, due to my past. I think I will show. Alone. Me and her and my diary will be the only ones who know exactly how it went. And me and my diary only will know exactly how I felt. And I'm ok with that. I am really okay with everything right now. I am really anxious, but anxious different from the anxious I usually am. I am not feeling weird or crazy, I am feeling straight and full. Full of this new thing in my life to be opened. Whether I choose to go on with it, or close it. Tomorrow I will satisfy an itch I have been trying to scratch for the past 19 years of my life. GOODNIGHT!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

happy attack
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scared attack
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anxious attack
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love love love love love out loud!