A lot is going on in my head lately.
I've lost three friends in the past week. The first one the most important to me. And the only one I think I will struggle to get back. I can type that it is not all entirely my fault, but sometimes people need a break. Tensions were high because of a car accident. That was my fault. Stupidity really. And from those tensions, money problems, confusion, insurance.. it caused us to both be very close to cracking. And miscommunication and the two of us wanting different things, led to her not wanting to be my friend anymore. I have accepted the fact that people aren't always stable. I am willing to give her, her space. But a best friend, who was their side by side with me in the four most important moments of my life, just walked out on me. I feel abandoned in a sense, I know time will come around but... it just hurts like hell. The next one who I always thought knew and understood me so well, was more then just a best friend, family close like a sister. Who knew exactly how I felt for him. Then and now. and then just slipping behind your back and needed so much attention that she canived her way in. I don't care the connection, or who is tied to who. Maybe I just know, that.. that doesn't fly. And losing her made me realize the easiness of friends. How I work friendship up to be this huge thing, when merely it could just be another human wanted company, and that is that. Third, a boy who I thought was this different soul. But according to the last two girls he was interested in, one being my friend I learn.. he's really not interested/drawn to what I thought. He is so talented and I am hoping he will go far, but now it's just the matter of what did I see in him, that my head was so into for months leading to this. Sometimes it takes losing people, feeling alone, and different to get your head on and realize it's you. And you alone. I have the few people in my life that I know.. I hope are here for the long run. Which is a crazy run, in lyns world. I wonder sometimes what kind of friend I am, I know I am not always there. I don't always answer. I like to think in benefit of me. Selfish. But I was to start giving off the energy I want to receive back. Because people deserve people to count on. The night that things went down, 1 am on a road alone. My four girlfriends piled up in a car, dropped everything they were doing/with/sleep dates... and came to me in need. That is something that I hope they would call me if tables were turned.
On top of all this, I have telephone problems, confrontation problems. You would never think. My presence is very comfortable and kind of easy. But I feel like being in the show business as a dancer and performer I am so used to putting on that kind of act. I do feel comfortable a lot of the time. And I do love new situations. But this situation with my birth mother has got me.. Caught in a pickle. I can't put myself in her shoes, I've never had a child but I feel slight overbearing from her, and confusion on my part. What do I do. I have such trouble letting new people in my life, or in this situation back into a part of her life. I answer texts, but sometimes I let them go unanswered. I won't commit to going there and everybody there is dyeing for me come. My head is so clouded. I need to be sat down and helped very badly. I'm getting my charts read again next week and I am very anxious. I feel like the stars knew my birth mother was going to find me the last time I went before this happened because she said you always feel like people leave.. well sometimes they come back. How does a stranger know I life by that quote? Freaky.
Now.. with all this going on. My social life is down the drain. I have just been designing all these ideas into paper and making them come to life. I have so much planned, this year is about getting it launched and next year is about getting it around the world. I cannot wait to travel.
Travel plans:
Study abroad: Italy september or next January for a semester
Spring break: Cancun with my 6<3 April 1st back for round 2
Israel with my brothers in February
And then if this company takes off and works out the way I have it all set up in my head... This summer 50 states with two of my favorite designers:)
I love surprises! Do you?
positive energy activates constant elevation!
On my playlist: Wolfmother
New dashboard
Between the trees (saturday!)
The Rocket Summer, who I missed yesterday (it was worth it;-))
always ... *Bob Dylan SOOOOOON in concert.
Imogen- Dec 2nd
I am going to the circus on thursday with a bunch of school girls and emily
and then that night at midnight is new moon.
I am counting down. I need to prepare myself psychologically for this haha.
I will go, dork book and all at midnight.
With shaky legs, ignoring the fact that my action was useless, I followed him into the forest. The evidence of his path had disappeared instantly. There were no footprints, the leaves were still again, but I walked forward without thinking. I could not do anything else. I had to keep moving. If I stopped looking for him, it was over. Love, life, meaning… over.
Bella Swan, New Moon, Chapter 3, p.73
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