We're all on the same page

Anxious.
Since Tuesday I haven't felt all real. I feel like everything that is happening to me I am pretending it's happening to a person other then me. Attached to me. Next to me. The person inside my head. I'm having trouble accepting anything. What is the word acceptation to you anyway. How do you accept things. I am thinking there are stages of accepting. And I am at the first stage. Shock. I need time after the shock wears off to decide what I want with my own blood. I know you can't get in peoples head. But what is inside the head of the woman who had a baby and 19 years later, wants to see that baby. I've never felt abandonment, and because I've never felt that is it necessary to go make things more complicated. I am a curious mover. I tend to do things in my life out of pure curiosity. But where will my curiosity lead me in a situation like this. I am settled. Living. What does she want from me. It is simple, a relationship with something she says she's thought about everyday for 19 years. I am filled with feeling like I am owing people things. I need to be selfish in this situation are really figure out what it is that I want now and out of this.
I don't want to upset my mother. I could only imagine the fear she has, if she is thinking of the worst. She shouldn't be thinking of the worst, because I have my head on straight and I see what it is. What a parent is. No matter what happens, where this new thing goes she is the woman who showed me how to live my life. I owe all of me to her because she was there every morning and night. I just don't know anybodies intentions, not even my own. I have never felt so confused in my god damn life, my head is always in this and no where else.

Tired. Physically and mentally.
Goodnight*