A most peculiar man

It is fall my favorite season, the season of leaves and wind and feelings. The seasons of birthday. The season my parents got married in. Warm days and chilly nights where you cuddle and windows open while you sleep and wake to the birds and the wind coming through your window. I like being woken up my nature. It's natural. How it should be, how it would be everyday. If I had my way out in a tent in the woods.
I saw the movie pandonium. and if you want to see it don't keep reading this. S T O P. But it got me thinking, we could be somewhere we don't expect it. Like the whole time their ship was in the middle of the ocean while they thought they were floating out in space. We could be the size of bugs compared to the people watching us as a game, for pleasure. Ever think of that? Food for thought.
No updates on the adoption. Just confusion for the past week. A week, only one week and I feel like this is a permanent, has been consistent part of my life. Confusion. Where I draw the line between holding on and letting go. I wonder what she wants, what she thinks. If she'll remember my birthday. She's going to come here. What is she going to look like. What will we talk about. You think, you'd have endless conversation with a woman who gave birth to you; but what would you really talk about? No small talk. I must say first. haha this boy used to tell me to say that right away when I got in the car for a long drive. I say it all the time now when I am preparing for a situation where it will be the simple where do you go to school, It hasn't rained in days, did you hear what kayne said on the grammys. No I'm more of a life conversationalist. But they again he stopped talking to me because I am too deep. Go figure. I wonder sometimes if I am. Too deep. Because when I am in a room full of people I think that I am thinking 100002023 racing thoughts that are different then everybody else's in the room. I don't think about outfits or who looks good or what guy am I going to go home with. I am such an analyzer. I think why that person is making that face, what is she thinking, who is she thinking about too. I think about the family life that person has. Try to read people on the small information I get by just seeing them interact.
He did it again. And again. and again. But this time we sent him away. For 3 days, lived out of his. It broke my heart. I couldn't ever get him out of my head. Cried myself to sleep a few times when he wouldn't answer any of our phonecalls. Just thinking that the next siren I heard was for him. Because he took to many and fucked up. Or drove on them. My mom said I'd have to be prepared and for the first time in my life I wanted to slap her across the face. She was doing the right thing though. He couldn't be here anymore. Passive. If someone keeps doing something you don't want them to do, you have to change something.
Lately I'm alright. And lately I'm okay. I think I've figured out, what you do to me feels like I'm floating on air.
College, when school comes around I snap right out of summer mode and right back into, I can survive on 4 hours of sleep a day, intense dance rehearsals 2 times a week and classes 5 times a day. I find myself doing homework at the most odd of times. Working my weekends away. But it's okay because my company becomes my life now. All weekend, party after party. Then we always go out for sushi and drinks even though we all work an early party on sunday too. But making work play, while the job is already play. You can't get better than that:).
When I fall, I fall hard. But lately I have been falling and falling. Falling easy which is weird because usually I have freakishly weird expectations. (not dirty, sounded dirty). It's comfortable to have a lot. Because usually I am so wrapped up in one. And for the first time, I don't want to fix any of these. I think they probably want to fix me. But there's nothing wrong. They are head straightened, ambitious, funny, sensitive, off the surface people. I like that. I like this. I like it lately.
Then there's... everything else in a jumble.
Now.. I feel like I am not doing anything.
I need to go do something.
Write, garage band, probably watch Vampire Diaries
Because I am a vampire
Obviously






Do you feel?