High life scenery

Do you feel?

I ask myself that question 10x a day. at most.
I don't kiss. i don't like to kiss. Right when I meet someone a kiss is kind of not expected for me. I feel like it's not right. So when someone tries to kiss me right away. I kind of get turned off. I think it is kind of a respect issue. But then again, I am such an easy turner offer. I dislike men that can't spell. Give me a break. I wish I can help it but I can't. I like people that like their own kind of music. I don't care if you like country or hardcore. If it triggers something inside of you and makes you feel viable then so be it. Like what you want. You can't chose what you want. It is in generate. Without it you are morose.
I have two big X's on my hand and they smell like sharpie. I don't know why but it is bothering me.
Is it better to know someone is there, or not know someone is there.
I think about him all the time. Why. I was an amity but now I am insignificant. It makes me wonder how easy people are. How in and out of it people can fall. Easy hearts are a turn off. But then again, I am a living easy heart. If you have it all, you can win my heart over. I wonder sometimes about what I was thinking about in past situations/relationships and wonder, hope that I will look back on this and think, what was I thinking.
It is 230 am. I will admit I am drunk. Not usual Lyn wine drunk, beer and heavy liquor drunk and I am not going to sleep soon. I just extremely cleaned my room today. So for the first time in about 12 nights, I am going to sleep in my own bed. Since my birth mother contacted me I haven't slept out of the den or my moms room. I am five years old. But when I sleep in my room, messy or clean. I tend to stay up all night. On this device or writing until my hand falls off. But tonight I want to paint. This new sitting area I made for myself. With floor pillows and pictures of The Beatles and fairies and stars all around me. And it needs a good panting on the empty wall so tonight that is my mission.
Someone can say they love you and not mean it, don't say it. I am sorry for hurting you still, but maybe I didn't mean it. And the fact that I didn't mean it then.. means that the new him doesn't mean it. Karma. It keeps coming back to me.
Yesterday everybody was doing things for me. My company girl got me in with a new company and now I have doubles every weekend until christmas. And a older girl in Speech mythology gave me all over her old text books, and reports for the phonetics class I am taking. Saved. I owe it tomorrow to give back to someone. Because I believe once the energy is put out there and received it comes right back to you. I put the energy out there 3 months ago registering for my birth mother and 3 mothers later without any recognition of the trials I put out there, she found me. I believe in all of that.
So Mr. that means, what you did to me and how you played my heart. Will come right back to haunt you. And as much as I hope that it will lead you back to me, I know that I really subconsciously am wishing it never comes back to me. because I have had enough of fake, easy hearts. Mine at least is a real, easy heart. God dammit. I need a real slap in the face. A REAL real slap in the face. I need to paint.