Happiness is a warm gun

You know why I fucked it all up. I fucked it all up because I could never really tell if I was the rule or the exception. I wanted to bad to be the exception. To be barring. The thing that changed your ways. Remedy to broken heart flu. Why. Because you gave that to me. When I met you I was so out of the loop. I was on a breaking heart rampage. I felt like a vampire, sucking blood. I'd meet someone, fall head over heels. Go into it way to hard. All their great qualities would shine. I'd dig for something bad. Once I found it, I would hold onto it until I drove myself away so hard. Never any explanations. I would stop showing up if it was in groups of friends, I would stop answering, I would stop. Cold turkey. Suck the blood, leave it alone. Then I met you, and at first I didn't want anything to do with you. I didn't see anything even worth sucking. (hah dirty). But then he got all emotional, told me I had IT. And I saw him play, 2 weeks later. And I have seen a lot of bands. A lot of singers. But I have never wanted to have sex with somebody as much as after that happened. It was a brain connection, that triggered this chemical to want it. It took over my body, made me weak in the knees. I just met this kid, I wait months. This was a whole new ball game. Anxiety drew me in, Wanted to heal this fast heart. I'm sure I did. For the moment. I'm sure the 10 girls after me, you said healed you too. In a room. In that room. That room drags you in sucks you up and spits you out. I've never liked a room as much as mine, and that plain room did it for me. I loved that room. But then again I loved that boy. Another boy, another heart break. Resulted in artistic breakdown. I gave it all for weeks into my art work, I've never pushed myself so hard in dance. I truly was in a bad place after this ended ended. The day he started dated this blonde. Who I saw last night at a bar making out with someone new, and I thought fuck. MY heart is too fucked up to be normal. It's all in my head what we had. My head. To you I was a ploy, a way to get over your insecurities and I was just good. then. And to gay me. You were a shooting star. A breakthrough in my books. I think to much and I am thinking too much now.

It's a fight between my heart and mind.


It is raining. Makes me not want to get out of bed. When it rains I always remember this time I woke up on a Tuesday or Wednesday, 5th grade. It was raining so hard out. Dark, you have to look at the time to know it is 8 am and you should get up for school. My daddy snuck into my room at about 8:15 and told me to get up come eat some breakfast, tell mommy I'm not that hungry though. She'd leave at 8:30-8:45 then we'd go to Ihop and get smiley face pancakes and sausage links. Then we'd come home and watch Big comfy couch in my dads big comfy bed. Those days were the best days of my life. My dad was a superstar in my eyes. To this day he still is a god damn super star. I would spend every day with him. Running errands to Music Emporium, spend hours talking to men, looking at rack after rack of endless guitars. Banks, and amp supply stores. Offices where the secretaries knew my name and gave me the best gum balls ever. I need to go bear hug my dad.