In a jar on my shelf

Selfish. I feel like I am acting very selfish lately. I just sometimes let my thoughts get ahead of me and my actions lag behind. I've been working so much lately, dancing and trying to get out and do things that I am missing that regularity I used to have. I like being free, but my free seems to be getting the best of me. I need to sit home awake and gather my thoughts. Ask myself what I am benefiting from this pull and push game I am playing.
It's just the scent or the sound, that triggers this impulse in me. It feels so good inside, and I am simply just acting on impulse. Throwing myself out there, free falling. But when is the catch going to happen. What I step back and look at the big picture I realize there is simply just nothing there anymore worth me staying for. For two true people who are so against games to get caught up in this sick love triangle or square. I have never wanted to run so far from anything before. I always run. I'm running.
I want so bad to go back to April. It started with a vacation, five of my best girlfriends went on a getaway to an island. We all paid for it by ourselves and were so psyched on being together straight for eight days straight. It did exactly what I wanted it to do, change each of us, change for the better and worse but most evident, it made us 29x closer. I have never met such a vast group of girlfriends that are tied together by the most important thing, love for one another. Emily and me just trigger that aliveness in one another. Darlene and I are probably too passionate for our own good, but it's what makes us talk and think. Thinking is key. Allison is always the friend. She's got her own plate to deal with but trip made her weed out good from bad. Gina was probably changed the most. She realized there is more out there then this town she was stuck in. Girl lost in the scene and since I have been back Gina has grown into an independent woman. Julia and me had a downfall on the trip. A falling out so you say. And if it wasn't for two boys who we became crazy for after we got back, we probably would still be on awkward terms. I think about how I might have just caved in because I was a sucker for love but, it happened for a reason. They were there primarily for a reason, so me and Jules wouldn't drift. Because she has laid out foundation and sees what I got behind my front I put out. I was anticipating what would happen what I got home. I was anxious for it. The start of something new. And god damn the BEGINNING is the BEST PART. I have never seen or let 3 people into my life as much as I let this new foursome. Looking back, it was so sweet. I did just what I was scared of since my last relationship. I fell so hard, I don't even remember falling because I was so in the now then. I didn't think about the consequences or my guard being up. I just melted into this routine.
Sweet April.
We're woman. And I am the only one in my head, who will ever be in my head. Just like that the rug can be pulled out from underneath you. It hurts, I didn't let it hurt me though. I never accept rejection or pain well. Especially when I saw all the potential it has. But it wasn't my fight to fight.
But now, what now. I am so swept up that I am not putting me first. And I need to be first. I need to take care of my own poop. My school, my art, my head, my friends, my happiness. But when does that cross the line with selfishness, this is my problem.
I'm sorry I upset you yesterday. I never meant to do that to you. I just was not in the party mood. But it was your birthday and I let you down. The eight page letter you wrote me was an eye opening thing. It made me realize that I am trying so hard for something that I am not benefiting from one small bit.
So this is my sign off. I have to focus on my dancing and my career. Most importantly, my family. They are the ones that are forced to be there, and mine isn't forced at all. It comes naturally in this home of chaos. I have to give back to the people that continuously give me and show me that I am bigger than my body. There the ones I will fight for and no matter lose or win, it's always going to be there.
I am babbling. Babble babble.



.... Heartache to heartache.