I have diaries and diaries of these memories that lay within me, and I can read them 100 times and feel like i'm writing about this girl outside of body who is a picture who looks nothing like me but looks like a mannequin who is soft and everything she could have be, a catrastophe of messes, an elegance of softness but so many ideas that I don't tell the people. Its like into a brain of what everybody wonders if other people think these things, and everybody does. We all do. We all can't help the strange, dirty, hurtful, beautiful, deep and strong things that come into our heads. I wonder when I leave this place, where I would go and who will read these. What will they think? People think I should be a writer, it's a personal thing rather then a shared experience.
You can wake up one morning, and a tsunami could have hit and earthquake could rupture. We all have to start living like it is all ending. Don't hold it back, let people know the things that you feel. If not write it all down, get it out. My love goes out to family in Hawaii and everybody who is affected. I want to sign up for habitat for humanity in July and go to help rebuild with Leon. I just filled out an application, it seems like such a heart warming experience. "Come together right now, over me".
It hit me, I don't want to spend my time with this push and pull love game. Happiness is only real when shared. You don't want to share it with me, so I will go find happiness somewhere else. With someone else, or alone within myself. I wish everybody would truly realize this, because time is wasted when you can be seeing things, doing things,
Alice in Wonderland comes out this week. American Idiot comes out March 24th, It looks amazing. If I had a voice I would be in that cast. Last Copeland show it March 7th at bowery Ballroom. This snowy month is making me do more things inside, even though I did go on a day long hike into this scary forest. It ended up being beautiful and we found a little creek that I had no idea was there. Behind beautiful things is so much more beauty. Connecticut was beautiful this weekend, I went early and spent time in this great little town where I can see me living one day. Right by the water, so quiet but lively. I have over 100 headbands made, and they are started to sell well. Right now it's just for fun but eventually I would love to put my photography into them and sell them online. I have been working on ballet and putting together a little studio in my basement. It's small but being in the surroundings gets me going and pushing. I miss pointe. The snow leads to sleeping in, drinking to much tea and having late guacamole parties. It leads to too much money on alcohol, girl parties and art and crafts started and never finished. I have been sketching out t shirt designs and hoping to get them all designed soon. Me and Emily have been van shopping for this summer; so many are on sale. I feel like the world is on sale. I want to plan a camping trip to New Mexico with Julia, but first I have to save for bonnaroo. and I need to make my way to Buffalo before they move. I have always had this inner fear of buffalo because knowing they were there and having no contact with them, now that it's all settled I should explore there. I feel so much energy, now put that energy into things.
You've got so much love in you.
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