sing a hymn to the setting sky

That build up before you cry, the feeling in your chest when you feel it coming on.  When you finally let go and realize you have no control over the emotion that you're feeling. It's the silence inside your head that questions if you want to halt this or just let it be, let it be, let it be.  


I always wonder if strange and unprepared is what the whole rest of the world feels. Or just little old me, the girl left out of the popular table in 4th grade. Then the girl who had more friends that she could count on her fingers and toes... and then the realization I want the friends who you can count on. Not list more on you AIM profile. I always wondered what made me feel short.


I'm 20, and I feel like I haven't grown up. I've changed. Became better, but in some ways my habits have taken over my well being and I've become worse. It's feeling young when you are so old. But I've diagnosed myself many years ago, I think to much. A diagnosis that has led to misconceptions, theories that drive people away. But also, it has led me to passion. Passion and desire that if I didn't have today, I am not sure where I would be.


There is off the surface.


I am happy I am not on the surface.




Are there any surfaces?



We all posses these individualities, but where do they come from? If you're so different then your parents how did you learn these? Innocence fades at a more younger age these days. I still feel soft, naive and innocent. But I can't kick a bad habit if I tried.


Break into me. She whispers in her head. Drives her car the same way, fast and unconcerned with the next time you have to press the brake. Blasting a song that you feel does something to you, but not to anybody else. But if you got the right person in there, they would feel it too.


Misconceptions. We're full of them. Maybe it should be me. Why do you run from me? You might deny it but we're all tied to our desires. But why do I desire freedom and wind in my hair. I have these images in my head, these quotes, these theories that I can't get rid of. It all ties back to desire and habit. 




It's 4 in the morning, I'm naked and staring at the wall is my only room. I swear to your beauty, I'm sorry that I'm so messed up. Don't hate me I'm under the ground.....




I could say I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I have found friends that can hear a song and understand what I'm feeling even if they don't comply. I could smoke myself into an oblivion and still feel comfortable with them even if I can't feel my toes. I could laugh until it hurts with strangers, I have just been blessed with an easy persuasive heart. 


I fall in love with fictional characters and act like they really exist. When there is no Garden State love, or vampires, and not enough people that believe the boat car man. But I am religious to them. Maybe somethings in the water, tell us if we've gone to far.


You always put yourself first. My brothers would tell me, "You think the world revolves around you". But I've learned to meet in the middle, be there for the ones who are there for me and fall short on the ones who prove untrue. Lucky me, I've gotten a lot true. But still I have an insatiable heart.


I don't see something, or enjoy it while it's in front of me. When it leaves I ache and dwell on  what we had. I may have an easy heart, but I have a fucking hard ass mind. complex and simplicity


I've learned to find my place to hide, my circus of rust and lies.


I keep the ones that I don't want the closest, and let the good ones get away. Or drive my mind great distances to let them know how I feel.


I'm a loner. I was born that way. Another bad habit on my lists of cigarettes, easy hearts and false presumptions and a head full of way to much desire.


So what does she do?


She goes with it.. I got into FIDM, why not just pick up and leave. I've never been scared of being aloe, or feeling small in a place of such great heights. So I'll go. Spend 3 months of hope in this company I've found all my time invested in. Keep dancing because that's what keeps me grounded. Fix my heart, miss you like hell. Go back to my old ways of playing it hard. And hope another you, or you come back. I guess that's life. Chance to chance. Feel to feel. Just never think you think to much until you're capable of capacity of 1000 thoughts a minute. Worst to best. Until you shake and build up that feel before you cry... where all these thoughts branched from.





This world of desire and change, there's nothing less RADIANT.