Back to basics

back to old ways, can't stop. must fit perfect mold.

Verbs before nouns

Hello, I am here again. Sitting on the opposite of a laptop, confused about where the rest of my brainstems fell short of the prospects of my day to day activities. I know many a people feel that they can rest easy by covering up there problems with surrounding of other people, clearing their heads by slipping into another state of mind. Simple things like boyfriends, avoiding and work to stop them from thinking of the bad. I don't do that, I avoid confrontation at every cost. But lately I've been wanting to deal head on, but because this is all so new to me. I am unsure how to go about it. I lost contact with someone who found me this year, and she waited 19 years for me, and me I anticipated 19 years, and I am left all empty and not full of answers like I usually am. Instead I am, learning from feelings. Living on feelings. Play with feelings.
Then there is him. His look could kill me itself. And I slowly slip into this state of just prying myself at him to see if it would feel the same way. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and it is all an illusion of my heart being fooled by lust, and what there was and what was left unanswered. Is there always going to be something from my energy toward your energy, or is my energy going to eventually run down, and you will be dead to me. Like they all are. Cold hearts, cold hearts, don't deserve to be so cold.
And there it is. A text message. What does she miss. I leave some of the most important text messages unanswered, and the easy ones I wait on.. hope for. Meaningless conversation is my muse lately.
This company has its prospects. All being such creative people, I hope for the best 2010 has coming. Will we be able to pull ourselves together, organize, agree, disagree to agree on ideas and will our creative juices stay flowing... until we are complete. I can only hope everybody else in this hopes as much as I do.
The nights, where young love stirs, and I finally realize I'm growing up. The conversation is easy, but older. We are getting so much older. The sexual tension is apparent. The smile is hard to wipe off my childish face. I feel fire, but some reason ice is lowering this temperature. Lyn is scared again, oh god. But why do I shut every open gateway for a move, when will he work up the courage to just work it up on me, take control I need control. I want to feel something, so unknown and so new. But am I expecting to feel this, when it is not there. Once again is my mind playing the tricks that always seem to be something when there is nothing or nothing when there is something.
Happy New Year. I am belly dancing on New Years, hahaha. I will miss my friends/family. But money is what this world is all about now. Miss my New Years kiss

Speeds of light slow gears

I'm holding tight so I can feel alive.


I am not sure of anything. I am sleeping soundly at night, on a bed of uncertainty beyond uncertainty. Should I go, should I stay. Should I open, should I close. Should I love, should I hate. (dislike). Should I feel, should I turn numb. Should I forget, should I forgive? Should I shine, should I turn dark. Do people leave, or do people come back? Does he think like me, or is he a impostor of someone who he wants to be.


So many question, unanswered.
Another night, dreaming of the possibilities.


I love Emily and Trina. 2010. They made me feel whole tonight. That's what I do know:).


The stars they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene, today. Tomorrow.




Open heart. let it open girl.

Crash course in polite conversation

Brainstorming:

you won't see me until i'm gone


running free in a field of flowers, come find me

Modern with and old soul

touch and feel

I am in
fascINation
(intheory)

stop trying to get in my head


Could you ever


he wants me, he wants me not


            

Connect my dots

I know all your favorite spots,
and tonight we will connect the dots.

A white demon love song

Sometimes I can work myself up to be this big complexed puzzle of never ending questions, impulses, reasoning. Like a creature that I can't control. But then I grab hold of every sense of feeling and realize though I can't control them, I can direct them. Direct them to the right thing, that will help me in the long run. Like surgery. It hurts then, but it is good for you in the end.
Last December I was breaking hearts, he wasn't enough for me. He helped me, showed me together we made a good story. A story with no end. But abruptly I realized it wasn't a game anymore. The games that play us are the ones that I play. Looking at her blog, and you two close, touching. That body was once mine. That heart was once in sync with mine. And all I have to show you is a broken heart by someone who faked the three words I muttered to you every night before we fell asleep under the stars. I was wronged in the end. I am glad, I needed some Karma. To realize that big hearts are for breaking. You will get by in the end, you deserve her and more. I miss you now. But why because I was reminded. Fuck, see once again. My feelings I just cant control.
"Feelings, I can't control"
Step one to my new year, is myself. Clean room, clean slate, clean break. I don't know what I want with this "others". They found me. She found me. That is the craziest thing that happened to me this year. Every question I ever had was rushed to me like a huge ocean wave that looks like it is going to break any second and crash but it just keeps growing and growing.... Then it all comes down. Down to a twisting turning cold .... Confusing complexed story that spins to the tops and the bottoms of tree tops and  ocean floors.
Can I let my heart get close to someone else I feel isn't on the surface BUT THE SAME AS ME.
the same. in a hotel room, you are all somehow like me.
Now him. New beginning new crush, do I take you seriously though? What is it that triggers in me that decides if I can actually be honest with someone. It's not dishonesty, but it is... false feelings. On the surface.
2010... intheory will sell. my ideas will be worn on people chests. my best friends and I will adventure into complete unknowns and dirty hairs. I will start being real, real with myself and other. I will let others see me as weak, instead of always pretending to be strong. I will see the world, the better part. Forget about a heart, my heart will be satisfied in time with the world, laughs, video cameras, and need of places to sleep. And new clothes, new places, new beginnings. I will miss you all.

Last night was my holiday party. We will all grow old together. My ones are never leaving. Lately people don't always leave me, I'm doing good.

Florescent Adolescent

I always think I never have enough. That there is always supposed to be more out there. Seriously, it sounds good; my dad always praised me on it. But now I am looking for love in all the wrong places. Dreams at unreachable heights. I don't want to mess anything up again. I just want it to be easy, A's on spelling tests, leads in school plays. I can't keep pushing myself anymore, I hate disappointment. I am growing tired. But I am becoming more and more dissatisfied.
And I have hurt him already, who else can I run all over? I don't want to be a killer. I just simply always and forever will want I can't have and when I get what I wanted, I walk away. Make excuses. I am so foolish sometimes. And not getting what I want isn't enough for me. I am just a little girl, among many more but somehow to me, my light is so bright that I can't settle for livable. I need it all. How am I going to go about and get it all? and when I get it all, will that be enough?