Today was different. I kind of felt different. I got confronted by a friend. Finally seemed to be fed up with my lack of going through with something. I get to comfortable. And I am spontaneous. But I am more spontaneous with new things, new people. When I am with the same people, I tend to like to stay inside my lines. I am a room person too. When my room is neat, I stay in here for hours with a new record playing. I draw, paint, start projects that end up being never ending. I can occupy myself for days. Teaching myself guitar has taken up most of my time. It seems that I I feel bad that I can't be this person everybody wants me to be. But I am so tired of people accepting things.
After I saw him, Emily asked to feel my heart. It was racing. This is so silly. So so silly. For two people that have as many crazy things in common to not be on talking terms. But I can't do it anymore. The most self centered person. He only cares about himself, what he is getting out of a situation. In little ways, he does care. But with the big picture what is his motive. If he was in a room with 5 girls and was getting no attention. He'd probably freak out. He needs it from little girls. And when he finally gets a real on, he missed out.I am so tired of explaining what he missed out on. Because it's not me that loss.
I am just trying to figure out this world. I hung out with my give best friends tonight, it makes me remember that happy place. When I am with my friends, it's that time where I feel so content. I don't think about anything else. Because what we all say, I listen. And what I say they listen. Friends are so important and without them a lot going on in my life I wouldn't be sane. At all. I'd probably be hurting myself or ripping my hair out.
So much can be done through technology, that sometimes I forget how the real feelings feel. The way you act without a second to think. The way you react to another statement. I love beginnings. I love new things. I love new guys. Spending endless days with each other. I seem to be an all or nothing kind of girl. It always happens so fast with me. I want to be able to go back to them, each time with each person. And rewind to the favorite parts, and relive those parts once more.
I'm going away for a while, but I'll be back don't try to and follow me. cause I'll try to return as soon as possible. See I'm trying to find my place and it might not be here where I feel safe. See we all make mistakes and run from them, from them with no direction. <3
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Exposed.
To you I may seem so unkind
to me your another figment of my mind
I want to stay inside this kaleidoscope of time
the color you have made me feel aren't real
Giving myself to someone now seems so out
of the question when I am in this state
woooooah wooooah woooooah
I've been so quick to judge my life as tragic
almost missed out on my real life magic
how do I know whats real, or how I cant feel
It's so hard feelings, what you haven't learned to deal
with the things in your past, giving myself closure
so scared I will leave myself in over exposure
locked away, stay a mystery
locked away miss out on tragedy
I want to know what it would be like to actually give to someone
feel things, really feel them. stop hiding in my own past
keep myself from coming lovely and undone
to you, I seem unkind. trust me im a doll when I unwind
but lately I have been missing out on my findddddddddddddd
And So I leave, it all behind, out of this suitcase
that I pack away in, scared to look love in the face
I am AFraid of what it may to me, sweet baby
don't give up on me I think you can be the one to save me
save me
save me
save me
found.
to me your another figment of my mind
I want to stay inside this kaleidoscope of time
the color you have made me feel aren't real
Giving myself to someone now seems so out
of the question when I am in this state
woooooah wooooah woooooah
I've been so quick to judge my life as tragic
almost missed out on my real life magic
how do I know whats real, or how I cant feel
It's so hard feelings, what you haven't learned to deal
with the things in your past, giving myself closure
so scared I will leave myself in over exposure
locked away, stay a mystery
locked away miss out on tragedy
I want to know what it would be like to actually give to someone
feel things, really feel them. stop hiding in my own past
keep myself from coming lovely and undone
to you, I seem unkind. trust me im a doll when I unwind
but lately I have been missing out on my findddddddddddddd
And So I leave, it all behind, out of this suitcase
that I pack away in, scared to look love in the face
I am AFraid of what it may to me, sweet baby
don't give up on me I think you can be the one to save me
save me
save me
save me
found.
Get cape. Wear cape. Fly
So I am going to contradict everything in the message I said before. I think vitamins make me not able to fall asleep. I slept about 6 hours this weekend, and I am wired and only had one cup of coffee today. Maybe it is all in my head. And of course along with the night, brings these crazy thoughts. I am dangerous at night. Well my mind is.
I can't stop avoiding, thinking, talking about how I am really feeling about my birth mother. I have been texting, emailing her. But I won't call her. She told me she loved me, and every since then. I don't know what I am thinking. I can't even really grasp, understand, what I really feel about that. She doesn't know to. I know we had the 9 month connection but I am 18 years old and have never seen this woman. And it's not just some every day meet someone new thing. It is taking a lot out of me. Exhausting my brain. I feel like it's not happening to me though. I feel like it's happening to the me that I see and watch and act. Aka I am not excepting that IT IS HAPPENING TO ME. Me. Woah.
What are we tied to. Work, hobbies, family, money, routine, comfort. I want to lose all ties and run off somewhere with no guidelines. No dates. No time. I want that more then ever right now.
I had a lot of fun with Heather today. I realized what it was like opening up to a new friend so myself. Which is odd to me. I hang out with new people, but that friend friend I have a hard time making. I can be very not accepting sometimes. I like to stick to common ways sometimes. That a lot why I won't make this phone call. Heather reminds me of a friend I have always wanted, been missing ever since I was young.
I used to be best friends with this boy Sam. We would play store and house all the time. we had amazing imaginations. But Heather is like him, easy going, out going, funny, but very opinionated.
It's to early to tell but the beginnings are the best part. When you don't know a person at all. They are this complete new face of life to you. but someone they just became connected to you. By feeling. Through something, a common place, school, friend. Same place, same time. And then you just want to learn about this person because you are someone attracted to another human. I love beginnings. My beginnings never seem to progress anymore. I think I like them to much to let it get to far. I am crazy. Why am I crazy? Because I will always never know. I think I have only met one person who comes close to being equally crazy with me. Different crazy. But he's crazy. Mind is always going.
....libra <3
I can't stop avoiding, thinking, talking about how I am really feeling about my birth mother. I have been texting, emailing her. But I won't call her. She told me she loved me, and every since then. I don't know what I am thinking. I can't even really grasp, understand, what I really feel about that. She doesn't know to. I know we had the 9 month connection but I am 18 years old and have never seen this woman. And it's not just some every day meet someone new thing. It is taking a lot out of me. Exhausting my brain. I feel like it's not happening to me though. I feel like it's happening to the me that I see and watch and act. Aka I am not excepting that IT IS HAPPENING TO ME. Me. Woah.
What are we tied to. Work, hobbies, family, money, routine, comfort. I want to lose all ties and run off somewhere with no guidelines. No dates. No time. I want that more then ever right now.
I had a lot of fun with Heather today. I realized what it was like opening up to a new friend so myself. Which is odd to me. I hang out with new people, but that friend friend I have a hard time making. I can be very not accepting sometimes. I like to stick to common ways sometimes. That a lot why I won't make this phone call. Heather reminds me of a friend I have always wanted, been missing ever since I was young.
I used to be best friends with this boy Sam. We would play store and house all the time. we had amazing imaginations. But Heather is like him, easy going, out going, funny, but very opinionated.
It's to early to tell but the beginnings are the best part. When you don't know a person at all. They are this complete new face of life to you. but someone they just became connected to you. By feeling. Through something, a common place, school, friend. Same place, same time. And then you just want to learn about this person because you are someone attracted to another human. I love beginnings. My beginnings never seem to progress anymore. I think I like them to much to let it get to far. I am crazy. Why am I crazy? Because I will always never know. I think I have only met one person who comes close to being equally crazy with me. Different crazy. But he's crazy. Mind is always going.
....libra <3
Monday, September 28, 2009
A multitude of casualties
Where I end and you begin. I have been feeling so good lately. I have been taking all these vitamins and they really do something to you. Trying to regulate my sleeping habits is helping a bit to, but that is inevitable. I went into the city today, it made me realize how much I am looking forward to living with my half in the city. It will be easy, you know living with your best friend. She works 5 day work weeks, 10 hour days and I will be in school and dancing on weekends. So time together will be limited, but that makes it bettter. Taylor is my sister. I can't consider her a friend. We advice each other soo much and are able to know exactly how the person is feeling when we can play it off so good. It is so important to make that connection with another human being. Life is about making connection and I feel so lucky to have bonded with someone this early.
I think life is all about learning to be okay with yourself. You have to learn how to be okay with yourself. It takes time to learn to accept the things you cannot change. I am slowly learning to be okay with myself. But I don't think I will or any body can ever be fully until at least 30. It could take a lifetime of learning to be okay with yourself. Everybody is so hard on themselves, I am probably harder on myself then I let myself show.
Since I was 6 and started dance. You stare at yourself dance in mirror with 30 other girls. You can't help but compare yourself. And that's where you learn it. You learn compitition. Competition is inbreeded at such a young age that it is so hard to escape. I can for the first time in a long time, say that when I work a dance job, or go to an audition. I work my ass off. I stare in the mirror at myself. i am done comparing. Trying to do that. I have this style of lyrical that is different then most lyrical teachers teach. But it just happens the second the music turns on. I tried years to change it so I wouldn't look out of sort on stage, and that was okay. That was a learning process. I had to, to not be the only ballerina with her hands one way, and not the other way. But now auditioning and choreographing it is all about my style. Just like an artist, to become a sucessful artist or fashion designer you need to have sort of your own style. Obviously the technique is taught, but style is so important.
Just learn to be okay with yourself, accept the things you cannot take. And change insecurities to securities. I'm learning everyday. I feel like I should say REV RUN now. But I won't. (God bless)
I just got very good news about gina. Not only is she going to be an amazing fashion designer she is going to be Americas Next Top Model. You are beautiful. Good luck.
Now clean, paint, sketch, sleep, week of doom.
I love love.
I think life is all about learning to be okay with yourself. You have to learn how to be okay with yourself. It takes time to learn to accept the things you cannot change. I am slowly learning to be okay with myself. But I don't think I will or any body can ever be fully until at least 30. It could take a lifetime of learning to be okay with yourself. Everybody is so hard on themselves, I am probably harder on myself then I let myself show.
Since I was 6 and started dance. You stare at yourself dance in mirror with 30 other girls. You can't help but compare yourself. And that's where you learn it. You learn compitition. Competition is inbreeded at such a young age that it is so hard to escape. I can for the first time in a long time, say that when I work a dance job, or go to an audition. I work my ass off. I stare in the mirror at myself. i am done comparing. Trying to do that. I have this style of lyrical that is different then most lyrical teachers teach. But it just happens the second the music turns on. I tried years to change it so I wouldn't look out of sort on stage, and that was okay. That was a learning process. I had to, to not be the only ballerina with her hands one way, and not the other way. But now auditioning and choreographing it is all about my style. Just like an artist, to become a sucessful artist or fashion designer you need to have sort of your own style. Obviously the technique is taught, but style is so important.
Just learn to be okay with yourself, accept the things you cannot take. And change insecurities to securities. I'm learning everyday. I feel like I should say REV RUN now. But I won't. (God bless)
I just got very good news about gina. Not only is she going to be an amazing fashion designer she is going to be Americas Next Top Model. You are beautiful. Good luck.
Now clean, paint, sketch, sleep, week of doom.
I love love.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
IN motion
I keep running around back for me.
I realized today, I am turning into a hypochondria. Is that possible to turn into one. I don't need it.
I realized today, I am turning into a hypochondria. Is that possible to turn into one. I don't need it.
The games that play us
What a day. Today I felt reinvigorated. Wow. I had a normal day. And it is 1 and I am in bed. How ironic. I will probably lay here until my lap top dies. Then whip out the diary and write in there. And then count sheep. Whenever I wake up the first thing I think about is the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep. Where was my head, do I remember falling asleep. Then I think about my dreams. Where the hell my head was for the past 5 hours. (3 knowing me). Every night same time, on school nights about 1am when I devote an hour to photoshop, my cat always climbs up here and cuddles right on my chest. She reads the time. clocks and all. Amazing chrissy kitty.
We've all got something that won't go away. For me it's this war inside my head about needing to get inside people heads. I feel like I can't hold a conversation with someone without thinking what is going on their head. It is such a bad fucking habit. Because I am not paying so much attention to what they are saying. But what they are thinking. I can't read minds. The only way into a persons thoughts is their words. For me it's my diary. My words are bullshit.
Doesn't it scare the shit out of you, that you will never, can never get inside a persons head. I mean I guess it scares me because I know what goes on in this head. But for real, your head is so your own. I've lied to therapists before for the fun of it, so trust me not even they can get in this flower pot on my head.
You should be ashamed of the hearts you stole.
Your freaking me out. My room is so beautiful and clean I don't want to leave here. 3 most important sayings to me:
1) Do you feel?
2) People always leave
3) Let it be
I believe in make-believe. So won't you believe in you and me.
Tomorrow I am going to my Aunts house to really do something with my funky garage band. I wish I would let people listen to it, to get back feed back. It's like girl version dashboard meets owl city vamped up with a dark twisted Lyn side. I really am digging. It's just something I needed to do. To know I did it. Like mostly everything I dip myself a little bit into different pools of colors and I am this huge rainbow of color and things with no idea which one will sweep me off my feet and consume my life and time. When I do find that thing, it will be awesome because I am such a perfectionist that it needs to be lyn esque.
I am tired. Here is my attempt at sleep and little battery life. Copeland on Saturday I hope I am not working a night party.
Wheres your head?
We've all got something that won't go away. For me it's this war inside my head about needing to get inside people heads. I feel like I can't hold a conversation with someone without thinking what is going on their head. It is such a bad fucking habit. Because I am not paying so much attention to what they are saying. But what they are thinking. I can't read minds. The only way into a persons thoughts is their words. For me it's my diary. My words are bullshit.
Doesn't it scare the shit out of you, that you will never, can never get inside a persons head. I mean I guess it scares me because I know what goes on in this head. But for real, your head is so your own. I've lied to therapists before for the fun of it, so trust me not even they can get in this flower pot on my head.
You should be ashamed of the hearts you stole.
Your freaking me out. My room is so beautiful and clean I don't want to leave here. 3 most important sayings to me:
1) Do you feel?
2) People always leave
3) Let it be
I believe in make-believe. So won't you believe in you and me.
Tomorrow I am going to my Aunts house to really do something with my funky garage band. I wish I would let people listen to it, to get back feed back. It's like girl version dashboard meets owl city vamped up with a dark twisted Lyn side. I really am digging. It's just something I needed to do. To know I did it. Like mostly everything I dip myself a little bit into different pools of colors and I am this huge rainbow of color and things with no idea which one will sweep me off my feet and consume my life and time. When I do find that thing, it will be awesome because I am such a perfectionist that it needs to be lyn esque.
I am tired. Here is my attempt at sleep and little battery life. Copeland on Saturday I hope I am not working a night party.
Wheres your head?
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