I'm on my way to a meeting, for support. Then Brooklyn to meet up with some friends to go shopping and see Good Old War. One of the greatest bands of all time. Music makes it all better and shopping too. Haha. Such a woman. Head head head needs some clearing. and tummy needs some mexican food. pronto!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Good Old War
My birth mothers husband got a job in White Plains, I know them being that close is could cause a lot more tension and I don't know if that's okay. How is my mom going to deal with this? That's my real worry. I mean I can't stop it and I don't want to. But for me, being the way I am I like things in distance. Or do I. Is it the distance that keeps me away from friends/family. Maybe this will be easier. White plains, an hour away. A weekly visit is apparent. I know I don't owe anything to anybody but that is how I feel. I can't help what I feel. At the same time it is kind of refreshing, easier then 8 hours every time, not a trip just an everyday experience. It is all an experience. I hope they look at it that way too. This is all for money for them, but to me it's a lot more. It is a new brand new journey. And this is what life does, I have to take it in and let it all happen because it isn't in my hands. Life is a lot bigger then me.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Rant of odiseus
This world is full of people that don't have things, that say that they have things because they want to be looked at as if they have those things.
Art students who aren't artistic.
Dancers who have never danced.
Insomniacs without insomnia?
OCD with quite the opposite.
Anxiety with no nerves.
Relying on music when don't.
Talking about books you haven't read?
Movies that are unseen.
Why would you say things you don't do. Why would you prance around boasting about things you can't fulfill. I want something real, something so real that the realness seems unreal. Rawness to a person is such an attractive thing. Honestly is such a beautiful thing. You will only be loved, wanted when you become honest with who you give off to people. I can make anybody believe anything they want about me. But the truth of the matter is, I'm going to let you know me because I can't change the evident.
Lately I am coming across these people more and more. Figuring out that people I thought really did something don't. Be for serious now. With yourself. Come to terms you are such a beautiful, full of life person. Now give them what you have. Don't spend time making up for things you can't do. And don't do things to get someone's attention. They will like you just the way you are/were.
Like what you like.
Me, I watch Disney all the time. Hannah Montana and Sonny with a Chance and that's ok! I'm a total geek I read boring books about history because I like facts. Non-fiction. I write fiction, things. made up in my head. But reading things that didn't happen sometimes freak me out. Movies though, fiction all the way. I am fascinated by the dictionary and only have OCD with grammar, I wish I had OCD maybe then my room would be clean. It is never clean. I take 2 hours to get ready. Sneezes scare me because it makes me nervous about breathing. But other then that I'm a healthy clown. I hope. I get happy attacks that are uncontrollable spurts of happy. I don't sleep in my own new bed in 2 months? Because I hate being alone.
go out and be a person, you're person. you are you because of what you like.
Real life winded
I am sitting in a dark dark room. I was filled with music, drinks, friends and family tonight. And it was enough for me. I was content and fulfilled. I wasn't thinking about my head being different or me feeling unwanted and misplaced. It was all so overwhelming that I felt completely just numb to everything except her voice. My eyes are closing as a I type this, I want to sleep. I haven't slept in days, no over exaggeration there. I get my work done before midnight but then I find myself wanted to design, sync my ipod, video chat with people across the world. and sleep doesn't come along until 5am. I realized my insomnia, isn't real anymore. When I was a child it was so apparent. I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried. Now all it is, is racing thoughts, racing mind, and the avoidance of sleep. Like now. I am so tired, and have an 8am painting2 class. But I am typing to my blog instead of letting these tired eyes win.
After a feel good night, recently it always has to come to an apparent stop. I get home, his cars not here. He ditched his 2 friends, and his meeting ended at 930. Where are you and what are you doing. I stood up for him so much at the dinner table today, saying my mother was wrong for telling other family members even though I understood how alone she felt and how she needed outside support. But you are now keeping everybody in this house awake. When you were away, we knew you were safe. Now your another lost soul in your car doing things unheard of. I fucking miss Greg, 17 years old. Following music, following girls, laughing, belly laughing. The other day it hit me, when you were 17 I thought you were the coolest kid in school. I thought everything about you was perfect. I watched you get on the bus every morning, go right to the back. Come home I would lay under your door and listen to you play for house until 3 am. I miss when this family was tied together by love and enjoyment in each other company. Now we are bound together by support of missing pieces and worry in this game of life.
I wish I had child issues to worry about. School projects seem to be the least of my worries. I remember I used to worry about what outfit I was wearing for elementary school the next day. I would go to sleep early morning, being so quiet so my mother wouldn't hear me. I would tip toe around trying on different clothes, day dreaming about seeing my 5 year elementary school boyfriend Kevin and pretend make out on my hand. Even though I lacked my first kiss until 7th grade? I avoided boys in middle school. I slept in my clothes so when my daddy would wake me up I would just run a comb through my hair and be able to spend time with him in the morning before school. When I was younger younger, half days of kindergarden my dad being a weekend musician. I went everywhere with him. Remember when you just went without complaining. You just had to go to music stores to get amps fixed, banks to pay bills, offices where I would be bribed by candy and presents. I was always picking up check and in my dads car. We'd sing the beatles and bob dylan and giggle so much. I was attached to my father, he taught me everything there is to know to a song, an artist.
I miss it when I was a child. I miss it when I was young and innocent.
When I didn't see everything in life I could have, when I just saw what was around me.
Now I lock myself in my room like when I was 16 going through that depressed stage. I stay away from the negativity. I still blast Brand New and Bright eyes so I can't hear a thing but their voices in my head. I flash back to each song reminding me of something so magical and new. 16 friends getting cars at high school. Cutting class to get iced coffees and listening to Conors voice sing about love and feeling. I miss taking the bus home with megan. I miss coming home to an empty house and running to the stereo to dance when no one would see me until 4:15. I miss the schedule of school, home, homework, dinner, mom take me to dance class night. I miss the group of 6 friends who thought we ruled the school, going to senior parties.
I know I love where I am right now. I love where I've been, who I left and what I have proven. But when I come home to a house where everybody is wide eyed at 2am wondering where the missing link is. I remember when the problems used to be that I dyed my hair with sun in at Samantha's without permission from my mother.
I'm frightened for him. I want to know what he's thinking what he's doing, why he's hurting us and himself. I go to these meetings and I see these people and I can't accept that my brotehr is one of them
Start accepting Lyn.
I've always been blind to things really happening to me.
Bright Eyes and Brand New make this all better, every time.
After a feel good night, recently it always has to come to an apparent stop. I get home, his cars not here. He ditched his 2 friends, and his meeting ended at 930. Where are you and what are you doing. I stood up for him so much at the dinner table today, saying my mother was wrong for telling other family members even though I understood how alone she felt and how she needed outside support. But you are now keeping everybody in this house awake. When you were away, we knew you were safe. Now your another lost soul in your car doing things unheard of. I fucking miss Greg, 17 years old. Following music, following girls, laughing, belly laughing. The other day it hit me, when you were 17 I thought you were the coolest kid in school. I thought everything about you was perfect. I watched you get on the bus every morning, go right to the back. Come home I would lay under your door and listen to you play for house until 3 am. I miss when this family was tied together by love and enjoyment in each other company. Now we are bound together by support of missing pieces and worry in this game of life.
I wish I had child issues to worry about. School projects seem to be the least of my worries. I remember I used to worry about what outfit I was wearing for elementary school the next day. I would go to sleep early morning, being so quiet so my mother wouldn't hear me. I would tip toe around trying on different clothes, day dreaming about seeing my 5 year elementary school boyfriend Kevin and pretend make out on my hand. Even though I lacked my first kiss until 7th grade? I avoided boys in middle school. I slept in my clothes so when my daddy would wake me up I would just run a comb through my hair and be able to spend time with him in the morning before school. When I was younger younger, half days of kindergarden my dad being a weekend musician. I went everywhere with him. Remember when you just went without complaining. You just had to go to music stores to get amps fixed, banks to pay bills, offices where I would be bribed by candy and presents. I was always picking up check and in my dads car. We'd sing the beatles and bob dylan and giggle so much. I was attached to my father, he taught me everything there is to know to a song, an artist.
I miss it when I was a child. I miss it when I was young and innocent.
When I didn't see everything in life I could have, when I just saw what was around me.
Now I lock myself in my room like when I was 16 going through that depressed stage. I stay away from the negativity. I still blast Brand New and Bright eyes so I can't hear a thing but their voices in my head. I flash back to each song reminding me of something so magical and new. 16 friends getting cars at high school. Cutting class to get iced coffees and listening to Conors voice sing about love and feeling. I miss taking the bus home with megan. I miss coming home to an empty house and running to the stereo to dance when no one would see me until 4:15. I miss the schedule of school, home, homework, dinner, mom take me to dance class night. I miss the group of 6 friends who thought we ruled the school, going to senior parties.
I know I love where I am right now. I love where I've been, who I left and what I have proven. But when I come home to a house where everybody is wide eyed at 2am wondering where the missing link is. I remember when the problems used to be that I dyed my hair with sun in at Samantha's without permission from my mother.
I'm frightened for him. I want to know what he's thinking what he's doing, why he's hurting us and himself. I go to these meetings and I see these people and I can't accept that my brotehr is one of them
Start accepting Lyn.
I've always been blind to things really happening to me.
Bright Eyes and Brand New make this all better, every time.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
December daze
Aw that was my first post of December. December let's see. Where was I last December.
I had just broken up with my boyfriend in November I was still coping with the feelings of leaving someone you told you loved them, and then one day waking up and realizing you want to be alone. December was my unwind month. Defiantly. The 6 girls were hanging out, going out meeting people every night. I was still on and off with Mike. I had a fling last December that was probably the most fun I've had with a boy... Ever? It was effortless and because me and him were both tied to other things and new at this single thing it was all just fun. I needed fun. Maybe that's what I need this December too. These 3 months have flown by. I feel like it was yesterday I was on a beach with Heather sipping sangria talking about possible bbq's that evening. This year flew by really. Dominican Republic was in April. Ah sweet April. Last December and last April were the best months of my life I might say. Everything was easy, no tangled webs. Just friends being friends and lovers being lovely. This year I made a lot of money, (a lot more then I have to show) duh to my spending habits. Yes my closet tripled in the past year. I saved a lot though and I am very happy. Saving for the future feels just so sweet. Sweet triumph. ahha. I met some awesome people in this year and rekindled past relationships as well. I saw friendships start and end quickly in a year. And many year long friendships rip their last string. I met my fucking birth mother this year. I got my heart broken this year. I broke a hear this year. On a good note, I love new years. I feel fresh, rejuvenated and easy. January, you always make me feel so easy. Last January I felt like I was on top of the world with dancing and Nassau going so god damn well. And 2010 entails graduating! a new chapter in my life. I will be able to say I have an Associates Degree. Laugh at me. But god damn, I worked my confused ass off for an A in every single class minus my C in science (I hate you Kadar.hahaa). Scholorships are now in the works and they give back to me the endless hours I spent awake on this top lap. This year I feel older, mature. Capable of making huge decisions regarding money and people. I am going into fucking business with people, devoting my time and effort into something I have my heart in. I am making a name for myself and a future for me. Ambition in me feels more on fire then ever before. I want to do so much with myself, and this is exactly where I want to start. Over 25 auditions I tried out this year also. Saying that is amazing to me. I did it all. Put my heart into a movement my body is meant to make. Even being denied half of them I still went, pushed and went through with something. Now I can say I am a lead dancer, and I like feeling lke I deserve it. And anybody who knows me, knows I don't go through with things a lot of time. I make up excuses and fall out last minute. I can't do that anymore. I don't have excuses to bury my head in anymore. I have only the road ahead of me. Long and winding road! I am ready to be tossed any obstacle and not even say I will overcome it, but fuck it I'll try. I'm also 19. And I love fun. Drinks, ladies, dancing, singing, making fool out of myself, falling in and out of love like night and day, flirting, saying things I don't mean. And I'm ready to do it another year. Traveling is always a must for me and now it when I start to book my travel plans. China here I come! Isreal hopefully in march too! So December you will end and January will start. Even just months and made up things, I feel brand new.
2010:
Video girl
Publish a diary
Dance on broadway?
Friends=ideas=success
(IN)theory .. all you got
China
Israel
Back to DR or aruba with ladies (carefree)
Travel the states, meet everybody
do something different in each state
Grand Canyon.. take 2.
Say I love you in each state
Graduate NCC with killer gpa
get accepted to city college
Teach dance to my little ballerinas
Go somewhere far with my brothers.. be together. Healthy!
Waterfalls 18x !
Get an apartment in the city
Live independently
feeeeeeeel alive!
family, another year together!
I had just broken up with my boyfriend in November I was still coping with the feelings of leaving someone you told you loved them, and then one day waking up and realizing you want to be alone. December was my unwind month. Defiantly. The 6 girls were hanging out, going out meeting people every night. I was still on and off with Mike. I had a fling last December that was probably the most fun I've had with a boy... Ever? It was effortless and because me and him were both tied to other things and new at this single thing it was all just fun. I needed fun. Maybe that's what I need this December too. These 3 months have flown by. I feel like it was yesterday I was on a beach with Heather sipping sangria talking about possible bbq's that evening. This year flew by really. Dominican Republic was in April. Ah sweet April. Last December and last April were the best months of my life I might say. Everything was easy, no tangled webs. Just friends being friends and lovers being lovely. This year I made a lot of money, (a lot more then I have to show) duh to my spending habits. Yes my closet tripled in the past year. I saved a lot though and I am very happy. Saving for the future feels just so sweet. Sweet triumph. ahha. I met some awesome people in this year and rekindled past relationships as well. I saw friendships start and end quickly in a year. And many year long friendships rip their last string. I met my fucking birth mother this year. I got my heart broken this year. I broke a hear this year. On a good note, I love new years. I feel fresh, rejuvenated and easy. January, you always make me feel so easy. Last January I felt like I was on top of the world with dancing and Nassau going so god damn well. And 2010 entails graduating! a new chapter in my life. I will be able to say I have an Associates Degree. Laugh at me. But god damn, I worked my confused ass off for an A in every single class minus my C in science (I hate you Kadar.hahaa). Scholorships are now in the works and they give back to me the endless hours I spent awake on this top lap. This year I feel older, mature. Capable of making huge decisions regarding money and people. I am going into fucking business with people, devoting my time and effort into something I have my heart in. I am making a name for myself and a future for me. Ambition in me feels more on fire then ever before. I want to do so much with myself, and this is exactly where I want to start. Over 25 auditions I tried out this year also. Saying that is amazing to me. I did it all. Put my heart into a movement my body is meant to make. Even being denied half of them I still went, pushed and went through with something. Now I can say I am a lead dancer, and I like feeling lke I deserve it. And anybody who knows me, knows I don't go through with things a lot of time. I make up excuses and fall out last minute. I can't do that anymore. I don't have excuses to bury my head in anymore. I have only the road ahead of me. Long and winding road! I am ready to be tossed any obstacle and not even say I will overcome it, but fuck it I'll try. I'm also 19. And I love fun. Drinks, ladies, dancing, singing, making fool out of myself, falling in and out of love like night and day, flirting, saying things I don't mean. And I'm ready to do it another year. Traveling is always a must for me and now it when I start to book my travel plans. China here I come! Isreal hopefully in march too! So December you will end and January will start. Even just months and made up things, I feel brand new.
2010:
Video girl
Publish a diary
Dance on broadway?
Friends=ideas=success
(IN)theory .. all you got
China
Israel
Back to DR or aruba with ladies (carefree)
Travel the states, meet everybody
do something different in each state
Grand Canyon.. take 2.
Say I love you in each state
Graduate NCC with killer gpa
get accepted to city college
Teach dance to my little ballerinas
Go somewhere far with my brothers.. be together. Healthy!
Waterfalls 18x !
Get an apartment in the city
Live independently
feeeeeeeel alive!
family, another year together!
Racing fingers match head
So today was a head race. My brother comes home tomorrow so I am playing housewife and cleaning and fixing. I want to make him comfortable but the few things I learned in meetings is I can't make it easier for him. Wooooof. I am so excited and anxious for him though. I don't even want to go to my classes, but 2 tests means I have to! I am watching boxing. It is clearing my head, hhaha I have been sucked in since I got home. Getting my body back to technique is going to be such a challenge. Doing a split today HURT! It used to be cake. I had to stretch for an hour to get it. I am in pain down all over. Poor Emily, I might go sleep in the hospital with her if Adam doesn't. I hate hospital though bad things happened in my hospitals.
Today I feel so fixed. I talked with Taylor for 4 hours. We went to the mall and ate and shopped. Then when we got in my car. It was on. All talk. I love the girl, more then I love anybody else. She is limitless to me, someone who can actually depict me and pull me apart. It scares me letting people who are not definite know me because of the fear or departure. But Taylor, she's got me and it feels damn good finally realizing that. We've had our perks that brought us closer, high school, 5 girls, brother, boys groups but at the end of the day the bottom of the pit. She and me are the rock of something some people don't ever get to experience. I have to lighten up on the fact that people come and go and not everybody is different. But when you find it. Take my advice, don't even let it wander or stray. Keep it close. In a pocket over your heart. awwww.
Take chances, be the change you want to see in the whole world.
I feel like a rope all tangled up for years unraveling, letting my ends fray.
Exactly how I feel.
Now I must paint japanese art and pretend to be a Geisha.
Today I feel so fixed. I talked with Taylor for 4 hours. We went to the mall and ate and shopped. Then when we got in my car. It was on. All talk. I love the girl, more then I love anybody else. She is limitless to me, someone who can actually depict me and pull me apart. It scares me letting people who are not definite know me because of the fear or departure. But Taylor, she's got me and it feels damn good finally realizing that. We've had our perks that brought us closer, high school, 5 girls, brother, boys groups but at the end of the day the bottom of the pit. She and me are the rock of something some people don't ever get to experience. I have to lighten up on the fact that people come and go and not everybody is different. But when you find it. Take my advice, don't even let it wander or stray. Keep it close. In a pocket over your heart. awwww.
Take chances, be the change you want to see in the whole world.
I feel like a rope all tangled up for years unraveling, letting my ends fray.
Exactly how I feel.
Now I must paint japanese art and pretend to be a Geisha.
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